Monday, November 30, 2009
Nepali comedy
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nepali jokes and fun
गाउँबाट भर्खरै शहर आएका एउटा केटा पसलमा गएछ:
केटा: साहुजी, यहाँ के-के पाइन्छ ?
साहुजी: यहाँ कोक, फेन्टा, पेप्सी... सबै पाइन्छ ।
केटा: त्यसोभए मलाई कोक र पेप्सी गरेर एक पाथी राख्दिनुस न ।
एउटा बालकले आफ्ना बाबासँग सोधेछन्:
बालक: बाबा, फेवाताल कहाँ छ ?
(हतारिँदै) बुबा: छोरा, घरको सबै कुरा तिम्रो आमालाई थाहा हुन्छ, उसैले कतै राखेकी होली ।
दुई प्रेमी प्रेमीका कोठामा बसिरहेका बेला प्रेमीले अकष्मात बत्ती निभाए:
प्रेमीका: तिमीले के गरेको यो ? बत्ती बाल मलाई डर लाग्छ ।
प्रेमी: तिमी नडराउन प्रिय, म छँदै छु नि ।
प्रेमीका: तिमी भएर त डराएको नि ।
नव विवाहित दम्पति शहर जान बस चढेछन्, बसमा भिँडभाँड भएकाले युवकले युवतीलाई अँगालो हालेर उभिएको थियो:
त्यो देखेर कण्डक्टरले भन्यो: ऐ दाई, बस्न नपाए पनि त्यो दिदीलाई राम्रोसँग उभिन त दिनुस् ।
युवक: अगि तपाँईले नै भनेको होईन, आफ्नो सामानको सुरक्षा आफैले गर्नु भनेर ?
श्यामे: मैले मोबाइलमा नम्बर डायल गर्यो कि एउटी केटीले मलाई जिस्क्याउँछे यार ।
रामे: हो र ? के भन्छे त ?
श्यामे: तिमी आफै सुन न ।
रामे ले सुन्छ “माफ गर्नुहोला तपाँईले सम्पर्क गर्नुभएको मोवाइलको सुईच अफ गरिएको छ ।“
Saturday, November 28, 2009
nepali jokes
ग्राहक:-यदि मैले यो चिठ्ठी आज पोष्ट गरे भने पर्सी र पोखरा पुग्छ नि हैन?
पोष्ट मास्टर:- जरुर, किन नपुग्नु।
ग्राहक:-म बाजी राखछु यो पुग्दैन।
पोष्ट मास्टर:- किन पुग्दैन?
ग्राहक:- किनकि यसको ठेगाना काठमाण्डौको छ।
बाख्रा र सुङगुरको बस्ने ठाऊ नभएकोले गर्दा उनिहरुले शिवजीको तपस्या गरेछन्। शिवजी प्रसन्न भएर प्रकट हुनुभएछ र सोध्नु भयो:- मेरा प्यारा बालक, तिमीहरुलाई के आपत पर्यो?
सुङगुर:-हामीलाई बस्नको लागि खोर भएन। हामीलाई दया गर्नुहोस्।
शिवजी:- ल! मैले बनाइदिएको त्यत्रो खोर कै त?
बाख्रा:- त्यो त प्रकाश ओझाले भत्काइदियो नि।
शिक्षक:- तलाई गधा ! यति पनि आउदैन?
राम:- सर पनि खाली गधा गधा मात्र भन्नुहुन्छ, कहिले पनि राम भनेर बोलाउनुहुन्न।
(अर्को दिन सरको अगाडी डाक्टर लिएर आउछ)
नमस्ते सर!
शिक्षक:- अनिँ त गधाले चाँहि डाक्टर किन बोलाको नि?
राम:- के गर्नु सर तपाई मलाई गधा मात्र देख्नुहुन्छ, त्यहि भएर तपाईको आँखा देखाउन ल्याएको नि।
बिद्यार्थी:- सर मलाई जसरी भएपनि पास गराइदिनुहोस्। अहिले पास भइन भने मेरो त जहाजै डुब्छ।
शिक्षक:- स्कुल आउदा लुरुलुरु हिडेर आउछौ, साइकल त छैन तिम्रो जहाज डोब्छ भन्छौ?
जज:- तिमीलाई पटक पटक अदालतमा आउन लाज लाग्दैन?
चोर:- हजुर म त कहिले काही मात्र आउछु, तर तपाइ त दिनदनै आउनु हुन्छ, लाज त तपाईलाई लाग्नु पर्ने हो नि।
चौकीदार:- तँ आप चोर्छस् तेरो घरमा गएर तेरो बुबालाई भनिदिउ?
केटो:- बुबा घरमा भेटिनुहुन्न! बुबा पनि छिमेकीको आँप टिप्दै हुनुहुन्छ।
शिक्षक:- ल भन त दिपेश, राम किन वनबास गएका थिए?
दिपेश:- सर काठ चिर्न गएका होलान् नि त।
प्रेमिकाले प्रभावको छातीमा हात राखदै भनिछ:- तिम्रो दिल त पथ्थर जस्तै कडा रहेछ।
प्रेमी:- (हास्दै):- हिइन डार्लिङ तिम्रो हात त मेरो गोजीमा भएको लाइटरमा छ।
दुईजना मन्त्रीहरु हेलिकप्टरमा बसेर बाढीग्रस्त क्षेत्रको निरिक्षण गरिरहेका थिए।
पहिलो मन्त्री:- यदि मैले यहाँबाट ५०० को नोट फ्याके भने ति पिडित जनताहरु कति खुसी होलान् हगि?
दोस्रो मन्त्री:- मैले पि यहाँबाट १००० को नोट फ्याँके भने झन् जनता कति खुसी होलान्।
(दुबै मन्त्रीको कुरा सुनेर पाइलटलाई ज्यादै रिस उठेछ र झोकिदैँ) भनेछ:- यदि मैले तपाईहरु दुबैलाई यहाबाट फ्याकेँ भने ति जनताहरु सबैभन्दा बढि खुसी होलान्।
कृष्ण :- मलाई आज भोली निन्द्रा नै लाग्दैन यार ।
रमेश :- अँ..!, त्यसो भए तिमी एउटा उपाय गर ।
कृष्ण :- के छ त्यस्तो उपाय ?
रमेश :- तिमी राती जहिल्यै आधा-आधा घण्टामा हुस्की पिउने गर ।
कृष्ण :- किन नि ?
रमेश :- तिमी कमसे कम आधा घण्टा त सुत्न पाउँछौ ।
बिरामी : डाक्टरसाप ! मेरो आँखाको अगाडि दाग देखाईदिनुस न ।
डाक्टर : किन, तिम्रो चश्माले राम्रो देखिरहेको छैन ?
बिरामी : हैन सर ! मेरो चश्माले दागलाई पनि सफा बनाएर देखाईरहेको छ ।
एउटा मानिस रेष्टुरामा बसेर पिउदै थियो। उ जति पिउदै जान्थ्यो उति नै पर्सबाट आफ्नो स्वास्नीको फोटो निकाल्दै
हेर्थ्यो। एक पेग स्वाट्ट पार्थ्यो अनि फेरी पर्सबाट आफ्नो स्वास्नीको फोटो निकालेर हेर्थ्यो। त्यो अघी देखी हेरिरहेको मान्छेले अचम्ममा पर्दै सोध्यो:- किन तिमी एक पेग लिन्छौ, अनि फोटो हेर्छौ, अनि फेरी पिउन सुरु गर्छौ, यो के गरेको?
पिउने मान्छे:- वास्तबमा यो मेरो स्वास्नीको फोटो हो, जब मलाई उ राम्री लाग्छे अनि मात्र म घर जान्छु।
एक बृद्दा अस्पतालमा चेकअप गर्न गईन र एउटा जवान डाक्टरले उनीलाई क्याबिन मा लगेर चेकअप गर्न थाल्यो तर अचानक बृद्दा चिच्याउदै बाहिर आई। त्यो देखेर सिनियर डाक्टरले सबै कुरा बुझ्न चाहयो र त्यसपछि जवान डाक्टरलाई हकार्दै भन्यो:- तपाईको दिमाग ठिक मा त छ, तपाई ६५ बर्षको बृद्दालाई गर्भवति भन्दै हुनु हुन्छ?
जुनियर डाक्टर:- सर म कर गरु, उहाको बाडुली रोक्ने अर्को उपाया नै मसँग थिएन।
आमा:- हेर छोरी त यती राम्री छस् कि म तेरो बिहे कुनै ठुलो घरमा गरिदिन्छु।
छोरी:- आमा मेरो बिहे सानो घरमा नै गरिदिनु, आखिरमा सफा त मैले नै गर्नु पर्छ नि हैन।
ग्राहक चकित हुदै:- तिमिले कसरी म यो होटलमा पहिलो चोटी आएको हो भनेर थहा पायौ?
वेटर:- यहा जो एक चोटी खाना खाएर जान्छ दोस्रो पल्ट फर्केर कहिल्लै आउदैन।
पसलमा एउटा मान्छे आएर कहिले यो सामान त कहिले त्यो सामान उठाएर हेर्दै राखछ। त्यो देखेर साउजीलाई वाक्क लाग्छ ।पसलेले:- आखिर तपाईलाई के चाहिएको हो?
मान्छे:- मौका
पुत्र (पितासँग):- पिता जि मलाई एउटा ढोल किनिदिनुहोस न।
पिता:- हुदैन छोरा, तैले मलाई ढोल बजाएर वाक्क लगाउछस्।
पुत्र :- लगाउदिन बुबा, म तपाई निदाएको बेला बजाउछु नि।
पत्नी:- यदि तपाइ मसँग सपिङको लागी जानु हुन्छ भने, म पनि जान्न ।
पति (खुसी हुदै):- किन र तिमीलाई मेरो साथ जान रमाइलो लाग्छ हो?
पत्नी:- मलाई त्यस्तो रमाइलो समाइलो हैन कि , त्यहा सपिङ सेन्टरमा सामान उठाउने कोही पनि हुदैन।
पोष्ट मास्टर:- जरुर, किन नपुग्नु।
ग्राहक:-म बाजी राखछु यो पुग्दैन।
पोष्ट मास्टर:- किन पुग्दैन?
ग्राहक:- किनकि यसको ठेगाना काठमाण्डौको छ।
बाख्रा र सुङगुरको बस्ने ठाऊ नभएकोले गर्दा उनिहरुले शिवजीको तपस्या गरेछन्। शिवजी प्रसन्न भएर प्रकट हुनुभएछ र सोध्नु भयो:- मेरा प्यारा बालक, तिमीहरुलाई के आपत पर्यो?
सुङगुर:-हामीलाई बस्नको लागि खोर भएन। हामीलाई दया गर्नुहोस्।
शिवजी:- ल! मैले बनाइदिएको त्यत्रो खोर कै त?
बाख्रा:- त्यो त प्रकाश ओझाले भत्काइदियो नि।
शिक्षक:- तलाई गधा ! यति पनि आउदैन?
राम:- सर पनि खाली गधा गधा मात्र भन्नुहुन्छ, कहिले पनि राम भनेर बोलाउनुहुन्न।
(अर्को दिन सरको अगाडी डाक्टर लिएर आउछ)
नमस्ते सर!
शिक्षक:- अनिँ त गधाले चाँहि डाक्टर किन बोलाको नि?
राम:- के गर्नु सर तपाई मलाई गधा मात्र देख्नुहुन्छ, त्यहि भएर तपाईको आँखा देखाउन ल्याएको नि।
बिद्यार्थी:- सर मलाई जसरी भएपनि पास गराइदिनुहोस्। अहिले पास भइन भने मेरो त जहाजै डुब्छ।
शिक्षक:- स्कुल आउदा लुरुलुरु हिडेर आउछौ, साइकल त छैन तिम्रो जहाज डोब्छ भन्छौ?
जज:- तिमीलाई पटक पटक अदालतमा आउन लाज लाग्दैन?
चोर:- हजुर म त कहिले काही मात्र आउछु, तर तपाइ त दिनदनै आउनु हुन्छ, लाज त तपाईलाई लाग्नु पर्ने हो नि।
चौकीदार:- तँ आप चोर्छस् तेरो घरमा गएर तेरो बुबालाई भनिदिउ?
केटो:- बुबा घरमा भेटिनुहुन्न! बुबा पनि छिमेकीको आँप टिप्दै हुनुहुन्छ।
शिक्षक:- ल भन त दिपेश, राम किन वनबास गएका थिए?
दिपेश:- सर काठ चिर्न गएका होलान् नि त।
प्रेमिकाले प्रभावको छातीमा हात राखदै भनिछ:- तिम्रो दिल त पथ्थर जस्तै कडा रहेछ।
प्रेमी:- (हास्दै):- हिइन डार्लिङ तिम्रो हात त मेरो गोजीमा भएको लाइटरमा छ।
दुईजना मन्त्रीहरु हेलिकप्टरमा बसेर बाढीग्रस्त क्षेत्रको निरिक्षण गरिरहेका थिए।
पहिलो मन्त्री:- यदि मैले यहाँबाट ५०० को नोट फ्याके भने ति पिडित जनताहरु कति खुसी होलान् हगि?
दोस्रो मन्त्री:- मैले पि यहाँबाट १००० को नोट फ्याँके भने झन् जनता कति खुसी होलान्।
(दुबै मन्त्रीको कुरा सुनेर पाइलटलाई ज्यादै रिस उठेछ र झोकिदैँ) भनेछ:- यदि मैले तपाईहरु दुबैलाई यहाबाट फ्याकेँ भने ति जनताहरु सबैभन्दा बढि खुसी होलान्।
कृष्ण :- मलाई आज भोली निन्द्रा नै लाग्दैन यार ।
रमेश :- अँ..!, त्यसो भए तिमी एउटा उपाय गर ।
कृष्ण :- के छ त्यस्तो उपाय ?
रमेश :- तिमी राती जहिल्यै आधा-आधा घण्टामा हुस्की पिउने गर ।
कृष्ण :- किन नि ?
रमेश :- तिमी कमसे कम आधा घण्टा त सुत्न पाउँछौ ।
बिरामी : डाक्टरसाप ! मेरो आँखाको अगाडि दाग देखाईदिनुस न ।
डाक्टर : किन, तिम्रो चश्माले राम्रो देखिरहेको छैन ?
बिरामी : हैन सर ! मेरो चश्माले दागलाई पनि सफा बनाएर देखाईरहेको छ ।
एउटा मानिस रेष्टुरामा बसेर पिउदै थियो। उ जति पिउदै जान्थ्यो उति नै पर्सबाट आफ्नो स्वास्नीको फोटो निकाल्दै
हेर्थ्यो। एक पेग स्वाट्ट पार्थ्यो अनि फेरी पर्सबाट आफ्नो स्वास्नीको फोटो निकालेर हेर्थ्यो। त्यो अघी देखी हेरिरहेको मान्छेले अचम्ममा पर्दै सोध्यो:- किन तिमी एक पेग लिन्छौ, अनि फोटो हेर्छौ, अनि फेरी पिउन सुरु गर्छौ, यो के गरेको?
पिउने मान्छे:- वास्तबमा यो मेरो स्वास्नीको फोटो हो, जब मलाई उ राम्री लाग्छे अनि मात्र म घर जान्छु।
एक बृद्दा अस्पतालमा चेकअप गर्न गईन र एउटा जवान डाक्टरले उनीलाई क्याबिन मा लगेर चेकअप गर्न थाल्यो तर अचानक बृद्दा चिच्याउदै बाहिर आई। त्यो देखेर सिनियर डाक्टरले सबै कुरा बुझ्न चाहयो र त्यसपछि जवान डाक्टरलाई हकार्दै भन्यो:- तपाईको दिमाग ठिक मा त छ, तपाई ६५ बर्षको बृद्दालाई गर्भवति भन्दै हुनु हुन्छ?
जुनियर डाक्टर:- सर म कर गरु, उहाको बाडुली रोक्ने अर्को उपाया नै मसँग थिएन।
आमा:- हेर छोरी त यती राम्री छस् कि म तेरो बिहे कुनै ठुलो घरमा गरिदिन्छु।
छोरी:- आमा मेरो बिहे सानो घरमा नै गरिदिनु, आखिरमा सफा त मैले नै गर्नु पर्छ नि हैन।
ग्राहक चकित हुदै:- तिमिले कसरी म यो होटलमा पहिलो चोटी आएको हो भनेर थहा पायौ?
वेटर:- यहा जो एक चोटी खाना खाएर जान्छ दोस्रो पल्ट फर्केर कहिल्लै आउदैन।
पसलमा एउटा मान्छे आएर कहिले यो सामान त कहिले त्यो सामान उठाएर हेर्दै राखछ। त्यो देखेर साउजीलाई वाक्क लाग्छ ।पसलेले:- आखिर तपाईलाई के चाहिएको हो?
मान्छे:- मौका
पुत्र (पितासँग):- पिता जि मलाई एउटा ढोल किनिदिनुहोस न।
पिता:- हुदैन छोरा, तैले मलाई ढोल बजाएर वाक्क लगाउछस्।
पुत्र :- लगाउदिन बुबा, म तपाई निदाएको बेला बजाउछु नि।
पत्नी:- यदि तपाइ मसँग सपिङको लागी जानु हुन्छ भने, म पनि जान्न ।
पति (खुसी हुदै):- किन र तिमीलाई मेरो साथ जान रमाइलो लाग्छ हो?
पत्नी:- मलाई त्यस्तो रमाइलो समाइलो हैन कि , त्यहा सपिङ सेन्टरमा सामान उठाउने कोही पनि हुदैन।
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
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Saturday, November 14, 2009
Johnnny johnnny yes papa
Johnnny johnnny yes papa
fucking girls yes papa
using condoms no papa
getting AIDS ha ha haaaa.
A prostitute goes to a school for a job
Principal: Can you teach zoology/biology/geology or physiology?
Prostitute: No. Only DALOGY & NIKALOGY
fucking girls yes papa
using condoms no papa
getting AIDS ha ha haaaa.
A prostitute goes to a school for a job
Principal: Can you teach zoology/biology/geology or physiology?
Prostitute: No. Only DALOGY & NIKALOGY
Rupak vs preetam
Talking about mam
Rupak: Behind every successful student there is a Good Teacher
Preetam: But What about Failed student?
Rupak: A BEAUTIFUL TEACHER…!
Sardar sent SMS to his BOSS
Sardar sent SMS to his BOSS:
“Me sick, no work”
Boss SMS back:
“When I am sick I kiss my wife try it”
2 hours later sardar sms 2 boss:
“Me ok, ur wife very sweet”
Love kaisay hota hai?
Teacher: LOVE kese hota hai?
Student: Miss ge…”L” ko pakar ke,
“O” ko daba ke,
“V” mein dalo,
jab “E” kee awaz aaye to samjho k “LOVE” ho gaya
Rupak: Behind every successful student there is a Good Teacher
Preetam: But What about Failed student?
Rupak: A BEAUTIFUL TEACHER…!
Sardar sent SMS to his BOSS
Sardar sent SMS to his BOSS:
“Me sick, no work”
Boss SMS back:
“When I am sick I kiss my wife try it”
2 hours later sardar sms 2 boss:
“Me ok, ur wife very sweet”
Love kaisay hota hai?
Teacher: LOVE kese hota hai?
Student: Miss ge…”L” ko pakar ke,
“O” ko daba ke,
“V” mein dalo,
jab “E” kee awaz aaye to samjho k “LOVE” ho gaya
teacher and a student about the success and failure
Rupak: Behind every successful student there is a Good Teacher
Preetam: But What about Failed student?
Rupak: A BEAUTIFUL TEACHER…!
Happy Christmas jokes
Eik sardar ki suhag raat thi...Sardar apni bevi kay pechay dalnay laga to wo boli ....na na sardar jee pechay nahi agay
sardar bola tumhain kaisay pata hai
bevi boli...mera boy friend meray agay dalta tha
Sardar bola...acha...par mera boy friend to meray pechay dalta tha...
Happy Christmas jokes sms
sardar bola tumhain kaisay pata hai
bevi boli...mera boy friend meray agay dalta tha
Sardar bola...acha...par mera boy friend to meray pechay dalta tha...
Happy Christmas jokes sms
Monday, November 9, 2009
KISSING at the top,HOLDING at the middle &FIRE at the bottom!
Collection of adult jokes
KISSING at the top,HOLDING at the middle &FIRE at the bottom!
Do you know the ANSWAR?
WHAT?
ho...don't think dirty...
its A ''CIGRETTE''
Girl Friend ke saath,
Kamre ke andhar,
Table ke upar,
Batti ke neeche,
De tacatac.... tacatac..
De tacatac.... tacatac..
Stupid I am playing table tennis.... ;->
Bite the neck gently,
Chew the breast softly,
Spread the legs slowly,
Suck the juice excitingly,
That is the way to eat Tandoori Chicken!!!!
Lastnite i went 2 bed without u..cold,naked,thinking of u,
missing ur warmth, ur soft touch against my skin. Where were
u lastnite, my lovely pyjamas
PAPA : vo kon si cheez hai jis k charoo taraf baal hotay hain
SON : papa may bataoo
PAPA :nahi tum chup rahoo
SON : may batata hoo ..... AANKH
PAPA : ohh haan
SON : to kya aap lun samajh rahay thay
Eik sardar ki suhag raat thi...Sardar apni bevi kay pechay
dalnay laga to wo boli ....na na sardar jee pechay nahi agay
sardar bola tumhain kaisay pata hai
bevi boli...mera boy friend meray agay dalta tha
Sardar bola...acha...par mera boy friend to meray pechay
dalta tha...
Girl MOM se jab main susu karte hun tu siti ki awaz ati hai
par ap
ki nahi ati kiun?
MOM replies : baita siti tu maire b bajti the lekin tere bap
ne baja baja
kar kharab kardi.
Gandoo ki 3 nishaniyan:
1. Hamesha bewaqt miss call dega.
2. Gande Gande SMS muskra kar parhe ga.
3. Don't scroll down:
Jis baat ko mana karo wo zaroor kare ga.
dekho eik couple sex kar raha hai
ah
oh
dheere
ah
mar gayi
ah
oh
ahah
chal ab bas kar
1 rupee k sms mein kya pori blue film dikhaon
Rishte ki baat chal rahi thi:
Faraz clerk hai 5000 pagar hai
uper se 15000 kamata hai
lardki walle: lardki nurse hai
2500 pagar hai + nicche se 50000
kamati hai!
"HONEYMOON"
H-hawas mita do
O-or chuso
N-nanga karke
E-ek hi jhatke mein
Y-yeh gaya
M-mar dala
O-or dalo
O-or tez
N-ni..k..a.. l...g..a. y..a
"Tendulker" Having Sex With "Malika"
Malika:Tumhari LuLi par tu AIDS Likha Hai;
Tendulker:MAA ki LORI KHARA tu hone de "ADDIDAS likha hai
Feelings of girls after exam & Sex..
kitna lamba tha.kash thoda time aur mil jata.
Pahele kitna darr lag raha tha na.Pta hi nahi Lga kab ho gya.
mera to shoot gya tha thoda.3 ghnte mujhe to saans hi nahi
aayi.
saari raat nahi soyi.Pata nahi ajeeb sa dalte hain.
Aage se soch smjh kar tyari se dungi.
Richman to poorman- "How-come ur penis so big? Poorman-
replied:
"B'coz in my childhood i had no other toys to play"!!!
Sardar wid Grandson.Late nite Shouts,"I need a Girl,I hv an
Erection!" Gson says,"1st its 2 Late,2nd ur 75yrs Old,3rd d
Cock u holdin isn mine"
KISSING at the top,HOLDING at the middle &FIRE at the bottom!
Do you know the ANSWAR?
WHAT?
ho...don't think dirty...
its A ''CIGRETTE''
Girl Friend ke saath,
Kamre ke andhar,
Table ke upar,
Batti ke neeche,
De tacatac.... tacatac..
De tacatac.... tacatac..
Stupid I am playing table tennis.... ;->
Bite the neck gently,
Chew the breast softly,
Spread the legs slowly,
Suck the juice excitingly,
That is the way to eat Tandoori Chicken!!!!
Lastnite i went 2 bed without u..cold,naked,thinking of u,
missing ur warmth, ur soft touch against my skin. Where were
u lastnite, my lovely pyjamas
PAPA : vo kon si cheez hai jis k charoo taraf baal hotay hain
SON : papa may bataoo
PAPA :nahi tum chup rahoo
SON : may batata hoo ..... AANKH
PAPA : ohh haan
SON : to kya aap lun samajh rahay thay
Eik sardar ki suhag raat thi...Sardar apni bevi kay pechay
dalnay laga to wo boli ....na na sardar jee pechay nahi agay
sardar bola tumhain kaisay pata hai
bevi boli...mera boy friend meray agay dalta tha
Sardar bola...acha...par mera boy friend to meray pechay
dalta tha...
Girl MOM se jab main susu karte hun tu siti ki awaz ati hai
par ap
ki nahi ati kiun?
MOM replies : baita siti tu maire b bajti the lekin tere bap
ne baja baja
kar kharab kardi.
Gandoo ki 3 nishaniyan:
1. Hamesha bewaqt miss call dega.
2. Gande Gande SMS muskra kar parhe ga.
3. Don't scroll down:
Jis baat ko mana karo wo zaroor kare ga.
dekho eik couple sex kar raha hai
ah
oh
dheere
ah
mar gayi
ah
oh
ahah
chal ab bas kar
1 rupee k sms mein kya pori blue film dikhaon
Rishte ki baat chal rahi thi:
Faraz clerk hai 5000 pagar hai
uper se 15000 kamata hai
lardki walle: lardki nurse hai
2500 pagar hai + nicche se 50000
kamati hai!
"HONEYMOON"
H-hawas mita do
O-or chuso
N-nanga karke
E-ek hi jhatke mein
Y-yeh gaya
M-mar dala
O-or dalo
O-or tez
N-ni..k..a.. l...g..a. y..a
"Tendulker" Having Sex With "Malika"
Malika:Tumhari LuLi par tu AIDS Likha Hai;
Tendulker:MAA ki LORI KHARA tu hone de "ADDIDAS likha hai
Feelings of girls after exam & Sex..
kitna lamba tha.kash thoda time aur mil jata.
Pahele kitna darr lag raha tha na.Pta hi nahi Lga kab ho gya.
mera to shoot gya tha thoda.3 ghnte mujhe to saans hi nahi
aayi.
saari raat nahi soyi.Pata nahi ajeeb sa dalte hain.
Aage se soch smjh kar tyari se dungi.
Richman to poorman- "How-come ur penis so big? Poorman-
replied:
"B'coz in my childhood i had no other toys to play"!!!
Sardar wid Grandson.Late nite Shouts,"I need a Girl,I hv an
Erection!" Gson says,"1st its 2 Late,2nd ur 75yrs Old,3rd d
Cock u holdin isn mine"
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
happy dashain jokes
Changa chet, ramailo bhet,
nidar ma tika, kan ma jamara,
khasi ko rate, masu ko plate,
Juwa ko khel,hunacha shabai ko mel
lakhou ko mal,chiurako thal..
64 saal, Dashain babbal
“Happy Dashain 2066”
nidar ma tika, kan ma jamara,
khasi ko rate, masu ko plate,
Juwa ko khel,hunacha shabai ko mel
lakhou ko mal,chiurako thal..
64 saal, Dashain babbal
“Happy Dashain 2066”
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
गाउँबाट भर्खरै शहर आएका एउटा केटा पसलमा गएछ:
Dashain Special jokes and fun in Nepali
गाउँबाट भर्खरै शहर आएका एउटा केटा पसलमा गएछ:
केटा: साहुजी, यहाँ के-के पाइन्छ ?
साहुजी: यहाँ कोक, फेन्टा, पेप्सी... सबै पाइन्छ ।
केटा: त्यसोभए मलाई कोक र पेप्सी गरेर एक पाथी राख्दिनुस न ।
गाउँबाट भर्खरै शहर आएका एउटा केटा पसलमा गएछ:
केटा: साहुजी, यहाँ के-के पाइन्छ ?
साहुजी: यहाँ कोक, फेन्टा, पेप्सी... सबै पाइन्छ ।
केटा: त्यसोभए मलाई कोक र पेप्सी गरेर एक पाथी राख्दिनुस न ।
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
nepali jokes and sms in nepali language
nepali jokes and sms in nepali language
एक जना मान्छे हस्पिटलमा गएर डाक्टरसँग:
मान्छे: ५ किलो आलु दिनुस न।
डाक्टर:यहाँ आलु पाईदैन।
मान्छे:३ किलो मात्र भए पनि दिनुस न त:
डाक्टर:यहाँ आलु सालु पाईदैन भनेको..
त्यसपछि त्यो मान्छे त्यहाबाट गयो र एक अर्का मान्छे
आइपुग्यो र सोध्यो..
के भयो ...तपाई रिसाएको जस्तो देखिनुहुन्छ नि?
डाक्टर:मान्छे देखाउदै..त्यो मान्छे यहाँ मलाई आलु
मागेर हैरान नै गर्यो भन्या..?
दोस्रो मान्छे रिसाउदै: त्यसलाई त्यति नि थाहा छैन।
झन यहाँबाट प्याज लिएर आईज भनेर पठाको त।
एक भुगोलको शिक्षक अफ्नो क्लासमा अमेरिकाको बारेमा पढाउने वाला थियो।उसले पहिले एक ग्लोब लिएर आयो र
रामलाई बोलायो र ग्लोबमा अमेरिका दिखादन भन्यो।रामले ग्लोबमा अमेरिका पत्ता लगायो।
फेरि क्लासलाई आगडि बढाउन शिक्षकने सोघ्यो।
अमेरिका किसलाई कसले पत्ता लगाएको हो?
सबैले एकै स्वरमा भने:सर रामले
राम र श्याम कारमा जादै थिए।रामलाई आफ्नो कारको साइडलाईटले काम
नगरेको जस्तो लाग्यो।
रामले श्यामलाई कारको साइडलाईटले काम गरे नगरेको हेर्न भन्यो।
श्यामले झ्यालबाट बाहिर हेर्यो र भन्यो।
गरेको छ..गरेको छैन...गरेको छ..गरेको छैन...गरेको छ..गरेको छैन...
बाबु छोरासंग: जब म तिमीलाई कुटछु तब तिमी आफ्नो रिसलाई कसरी
काबुमा राख्न के गर्छौ?
छोरा:म टाव्ईलेट सफा गर्छु।
बाबु:यसले कसरी रिस शान्त हुन्छ त।
छोरा:म तपाईको दाँत माझ्ने बुरुसले सफा गर्छु नि त।
स्कुलको पहिलो दिन एक शिक्षकले आफ्नो बिद्यार्थीहरुलाई भनेछन्।
शिक्षक:तिमिहरुमध्ये को को आफुलाई मुर्ख सम्झन्छौ उठ
सबै बसिसहे तर राम उठे यो देखेर शिक्षकले रामलाई सोध्यो
शिक्षक:के तिमि आफु लाई मुर्ख ठान्छौ?
राम :होइन होइन सर,तपाई मात्र उठेको राम्रो लागेन त्यसैले उठेको।
FOR MORE CILCK ME
एक जना मान्छे हस्पिटलमा गएर डाक्टरसँग:
मान्छे: ५ किलो आलु दिनुस न।
डाक्टर:यहाँ आलु पाईदैन।
मान्छे:३ किलो मात्र भए पनि दिनुस न त:
डाक्टर:यहाँ आलु सालु पाईदैन भनेको..
त्यसपछि त्यो मान्छे त्यहाबाट गयो र एक अर्का मान्छे
आइपुग्यो र सोध्यो..
के भयो ...तपाई रिसाएको जस्तो देखिनुहुन्छ नि?
डाक्टर:मान्छे देखाउदै..त्यो मान्छे यहाँ मलाई आलु
मागेर हैरान नै गर्यो भन्या..?
दोस्रो मान्छे रिसाउदै: त्यसलाई त्यति नि थाहा छैन।
झन यहाँबाट प्याज लिएर आईज भनेर पठाको त।
एक भुगोलको शिक्षक अफ्नो क्लासमा अमेरिकाको बारेमा पढाउने वाला थियो।उसले पहिले एक ग्लोब लिएर आयो र
रामलाई बोलायो र ग्लोबमा अमेरिका दिखादन भन्यो।रामले ग्लोबमा अमेरिका पत्ता लगायो।
फेरि क्लासलाई आगडि बढाउन शिक्षकने सोघ्यो।
अमेरिका किसलाई कसले पत्ता लगाएको हो?
सबैले एकै स्वरमा भने:सर रामले
राम र श्याम कारमा जादै थिए।रामलाई आफ्नो कारको साइडलाईटले काम
नगरेको जस्तो लाग्यो।
रामले श्यामलाई कारको साइडलाईटले काम गरे नगरेको हेर्न भन्यो।
श्यामले झ्यालबाट बाहिर हेर्यो र भन्यो।
गरेको छ..गरेको छैन...गरेको छ..गरेको छैन...गरेको छ..गरेको छैन...
बाबु छोरासंग: जब म तिमीलाई कुटछु तब तिमी आफ्नो रिसलाई कसरी
काबुमा राख्न के गर्छौ?
छोरा:म टाव्ईलेट सफा गर्छु।
बाबु:यसले कसरी रिस शान्त हुन्छ त।
छोरा:म तपाईको दाँत माझ्ने बुरुसले सफा गर्छु नि त।
स्कुलको पहिलो दिन एक शिक्षकले आफ्नो बिद्यार्थीहरुलाई भनेछन्।
शिक्षक:तिमिहरुमध्ये को को आफुलाई मुर्ख सम्झन्छौ उठ
सबै बसिसहे तर राम उठे यो देखेर शिक्षकले रामलाई सोध्यो
शिक्षक:के तिमि आफु लाई मुर्ख ठान्छौ?
राम :होइन होइन सर,तपाई मात्र उठेको राम्रो लागेन त्यसैले उठेको।
FOR MORE CILCK ME
Monday, March 30, 2009
one liner jokes
I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others
He always finds himself lost in thought - it's an unfamiliar territory
Don't let you mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own
Your mind is so open - so open that ideas simply pass through it.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket
He always finds himself lost in thought - it's an unfamiliar territory
Don't let you mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own
Your mind is so open - so open that ideas simply pass through it.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
FUNNY QUESTION AND ANSWER
What does it mean when the Easter Bunny arrives one day late with melted candy?
He probably had a bad hare day.
--------------------------------------------------------
How does a rabbit make gold soup?
He begins with 24 carrots.
--------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you pour boiling hot water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear?
Because when he tried to make a second one he made a boo-boo.
--------------------------------------------------------
What's the best way to make a bull sweat?
Give him a tight jersey.
--------------------------------------------------------
Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor
--------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
HAPPY VALENTINE -2009
Dear sweetheart
I will luv u like this forever. Hope you do the same. Lets believe in
god and wait for the right time to come.
You don't know how you make me feel each time I see you online or
offline. I wait for only you all day. You are always in my mind and
heart. I feel your presence with me though we are too far away from
each other. We came so close to each other in such a short time, I
truly think we must have known each other in another lifetime. You have
shared your soul to me & I have shared mine with you. While writing
this I have so much emotions inside me that I feel like crying because
I miss you so much. I feel so happy and complete even in our silences.
I feel I am connected to you through my soul. Your caring attitude,
thoughtfulness & sweet personality has captured my heart and for that I
am so grateful to you. All I know is wherever life takes us I hope
you'll always know how much I thank Babaji for bringing you into my
life:)
Hugz forever
To the one that got away
Happy valentines day! I wish things had turned out different and you
had realized giving me a second chance. I can't just turn my feelings
off. I will always remember the good times we had over the year,
especially the trip to Florida. I'm sorry I had issues, and didn't
handle my surgery and rehab well. I realized now that you were trying
to be there for me.
To my sweetest darling
Thanks for making my life so beautiful and colorful!!
Always remember I Love U the Most!
Only your's I've realized I need to become more like I was 5-10 years ago. When you
left I remember thinking "Why didn't she say she wants to get back with
me?" realizing that now, I flip it over and think, "Why didn't I say I
want to get back with Corinne". That is why I say I'm sorry. I've
realized I can love, and be loved.
I'll remember you forever.
May all the lovers across the world get the love of their life. Happy
Valentine's Day to all!! Cheers
I will luv u like this forever. Hope you do the same. Lets believe in
god and wait for the right time to come.
You don't know how you make me feel each time I see you online or
offline. I wait for only you all day. You are always in my mind and
heart. I feel your presence with me though we are too far away from
each other. We came so close to each other in such a short time, I
truly think we must have known each other in another lifetime. You have
shared your soul to me & I have shared mine with you. While writing
this I have so much emotions inside me that I feel like crying because
I miss you so much. I feel so happy and complete even in our silences.
I feel I am connected to you through my soul. Your caring attitude,
thoughtfulness & sweet personality has captured my heart and for that I
am so grateful to you. All I know is wherever life takes us I hope
you'll always know how much I thank Babaji for bringing you into my
life:)
Hugz forever
To the one that got away
Happy valentines day! I wish things had turned out different and you
had realized giving me a second chance. I can't just turn my feelings
off. I will always remember the good times we had over the year,
especially the trip to Florida. I'm sorry I had issues, and didn't
handle my surgery and rehab well. I realized now that you were trying
to be there for me.
To my sweetest darling
Thanks for making my life so beautiful and colorful!!
Always remember I Love U the Most!
Only your's I've realized I need to become more like I was 5-10 years ago. When you
left I remember thinking "Why didn't she say she wants to get back with
me?" realizing that now, I flip it over and think, "Why didn't I say I
want to get back with Corinne". That is why I say I'm sorry. I've
realized I can love, and be loved.
I'll remember you forever.
May all the lovers across the world get the love of their life. Happy
Valentine's Day to all!! Cheers
Sunday, February 1, 2009
FUNNY MONKEY JOKES ( ANIMAL JOKES)
Funny Monkeys Joke #1:
A young pet monkey had an accident and needed a brain transplant. The veterinarian told the monkey's human family...
"Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the family.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the vet.
All the men in the family nodded because they thought they understood. But the mother was unsatisfied and asked...
"Why the difference in price between male and female brains?"
"Standard pricing practice," said the vet.
"The female brains have to be marked down because they’ve actually been used!”
Funny Monkeys Joke #2:
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper...
"I'll have a C monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed to the customer, saying...
"That'll be $5,000."
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said...
"That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did it cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "Hey, that one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. The tourist gasped to the shopkeeper...
"That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a project manager".
Funny Monkeys Joke #3:
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said...
"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized with her and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Funny Monkeys Joke #4:
A three-year-old boy fell eighteen feet into a zoo enclosure containing seven gorillas. He was immediately rescued, not by zookeepers, but by one of the animals.
The 150 lb. female gorilla picked up the unconscious form of the boy and laid it at a door to be easily retrieved to by zookeepers.
This cross-species rescue has resulted in thousands of dollars in donations to the zoo.
It is perhaps because of these donations that zookeepers have kept quiet about one vital detail, a hastily scrawled note tucked in the boy's collar...
"Thanks; but we prefer fruit."
Funny Monkeys Joke #5:
Your monkey plays chess?
He must be clever!
Not really, I usually beat him three times out of four!
......... ???!@#!$@#$!!!$%@!
Funny Monkeys Joke #6:
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said...
"I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" asked the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking inward quickly.
"They were smoking marijuana too?" said the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" queried the officer.
The monkey motioned with his fingers...
“Having sex! They were having sex, too!?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes," nodded the monkey.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and having sex before they wrecked?"
"Yes," the Monkey nodded.
"What were you doing during all this?" asked the Officer.
"Driving," motioned the monkey.
Funny Monkeys Joke #7:
Once upon a time, there lived a poor hat seller in a small village in India. He earned his livelihood stitching hats and selling them in the neighboring villages. Once when going to another village through a forest, he fell asleep under a tree.
When he woke up, he was surprised to find his basket empty and all the hats missing. Then he noticed a troop of monkeys sitting in the tree wearing his hats. He came up with a brilliant idea to retrieve his hats. He lifted the hat on his head and threw it to the ground. Out of their aping habits the monkeys followed suit. The hat seller then collected all the hats and triumphantly proceeded to the market.
As the years pass by, the hat seller has a grandson who too ends up being a hat seller. One day he has to pass through the same forest to sell hats in the village on the other side. As he is leaving, his grandpa tells him of the monkeys and how he outsmarted them and warns the grandson to be careful in the forest and remember his grandpa's trick if the monkeys cause any trouble.
So the grandson sets forth on his journey. While passing through the forest, he gets tired and falls asleep to wake up and find the basket empty and all the hats gone. Then he notices the monkeys on the tree wearing the hats.
Smiling to himself he says, "Aha! I know how to deal with this. I'll use my grandpa's trick!”
So he hurls his hat to the ground expecting the monkeys to do the same. All this time, there is a young hatless monkey sitting in the tree.
This monkey jumps down from the tree, quickly picks up the grandson's hat and puts it on his head. Then as he is scampering away, he says to the grandson sarcastically:
"HA! HA! DID YOU THINK ONLY HUMANS HAVE A GRANDPA!?"
Funny Monkeys Joke #8:
A monkey walks into a drugstore and orders a fifty-cent sundae. He puts down a ten-dollar bill to pay for it.
The clerk thinks, "What can a monkey know about money?"
So he hands back a single dollar in change and says, "You know, we don't get many monkeys in here."
"No wonder," answers the monkey, "At these prices you won't get many more."
A young pet monkey had an accident and needed a brain transplant. The veterinarian told the monkey's human family...
"Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the family.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the vet.
All the men in the family nodded because they thought they understood. But the mother was unsatisfied and asked...
"Why the difference in price between male and female brains?"
"Standard pricing practice," said the vet.
"The female brains have to be marked down because they’ve actually been used!”
Funny Monkeys Joke #2:
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper...
"I'll have a C monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed to the customer, saying...
"That'll be $5,000."
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said...
"That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did it cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "Hey, that one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. The tourist gasped to the shopkeeper...
"That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a project manager".
Funny Monkeys Joke #3:
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said...
"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized with her and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Funny Monkeys Joke #4:
A three-year-old boy fell eighteen feet into a zoo enclosure containing seven gorillas. He was immediately rescued, not by zookeepers, but by one of the animals.
The 150 lb. female gorilla picked up the unconscious form of the boy and laid it at a door to be easily retrieved to by zookeepers.
This cross-species rescue has resulted in thousands of dollars in donations to the zoo.
It is perhaps because of these donations that zookeepers have kept quiet about one vital detail, a hastily scrawled note tucked in the boy's collar...
"Thanks; but we prefer fruit."
Funny Monkeys Joke #5:
Your monkey plays chess?
He must be clever!
Not really, I usually beat him three times out of four!
......... ???!@#!$@#$!!!$%@!
Funny Monkeys Joke #6:
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said...
"I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" asked the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking inward quickly.
"They were smoking marijuana too?" said the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" queried the officer.
The monkey motioned with his fingers...
“Having sex! They were having sex, too!?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes," nodded the monkey.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and having sex before they wrecked?"
"Yes," the Monkey nodded.
"What were you doing during all this?" asked the Officer.
"Driving," motioned the monkey.
Funny Monkeys Joke #7:
Once upon a time, there lived a poor hat seller in a small village in India. He earned his livelihood stitching hats and selling them in the neighboring villages. Once when going to another village through a forest, he fell asleep under a tree.
When he woke up, he was surprised to find his basket empty and all the hats missing. Then he noticed a troop of monkeys sitting in the tree wearing his hats. He came up with a brilliant idea to retrieve his hats. He lifted the hat on his head and threw it to the ground. Out of their aping habits the monkeys followed suit. The hat seller then collected all the hats and triumphantly proceeded to the market.
As the years pass by, the hat seller has a grandson who too ends up being a hat seller. One day he has to pass through the same forest to sell hats in the village on the other side. As he is leaving, his grandpa tells him of the monkeys and how he outsmarted them and warns the grandson to be careful in the forest and remember his grandpa's trick if the monkeys cause any trouble.
So the grandson sets forth on his journey. While passing through the forest, he gets tired and falls asleep to wake up and find the basket empty and all the hats gone. Then he notices the monkeys on the tree wearing the hats.
Smiling to himself he says, "Aha! I know how to deal with this. I'll use my grandpa's trick!”
So he hurls his hat to the ground expecting the monkeys to do the same. All this time, there is a young hatless monkey sitting in the tree.
This monkey jumps down from the tree, quickly picks up the grandson's hat and puts it on his head. Then as he is scampering away, he says to the grandson sarcastically:
"HA! HA! DID YOU THINK ONLY HUMANS HAVE A GRANDPA!?"
Funny Monkeys Joke #8:
A monkey walks into a drugstore and orders a fifty-cent sundae. He puts down a ten-dollar bill to pay for it.
The clerk thinks, "What can a monkey know about money?"
So he hands back a single dollar in change and says, "You know, we don't get many monkeys in here."
"No wonder," answers the monkey, "At these prices you won't get many more."
SARDAR JOKES
Santa: Doctor, ye phulon ki mala kis ke liye?
Doctor: Ye mera pehla operation hai, success hua to mere liye, nahi to
tumhare liye.
*********************************************
Santa: Doc saab, mein Chashma laga ke pad to sakoonga?
Doc: Haan, bilkul.
Santa: To phir theek hai doc saab varna Anpad aadmi ki zindagi bhi koi zindagi hai.
*********************************************
Santa joined NASA. After one month the Americans had to change the name from
NASA to SATYANASA
*********************************************
Santa apni girl friend ko I Luv U kehta hai aur gir jata hai.
Gal: Yeh kya kar rahe ho?
Santa: I'm falling in love.
*********************************************
Banta: Yeh chaaku kyon ubaal rahe ho?
Santa: Suicide karne ke liye
Banta: To phir ubalne ki kya zaroorat hai?
Santa: Kahin infection na ho jaaye
*********************************************
Santa: Today is Sunday & I wanna njoy, so I bought 3 movie tickets
Jeeto: Why 3?
Santa: For you and your parents
*********************************************
Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.
Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.
*********************************************
Lady Doc: Tum roz subah clinic ke bahar khade ho kar auraton ko kyon ghoorte
ho?
Santa: Ji aap hi ne bahar likha hai: Auraton ko dekhne ka samay 9am-11am
*********************************************
A man to Santa: Aao ji chess khelein
Santa: Tu chal mein sports shoes pehen kar aaya.
*********************************************
There's a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. All the sardars in the mayyat' are dancing the bhangra and singing and general 'balle balle'
is on. The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if its marriage baraat. So one of them asks Santa sing,
"Singh saab, how come you are celebrating?"..... comes the reply :
Its the first time that a sardar has died of "brain" tumour !!"
*********************************************
One Sardar was enjoying Sun on a Beach in UK. A lady came and asked him, "Are you relaxing" Sardar answered '" No I am Banta Singh" Another Guy came and
asked the same Question. Sardar answered "No No Me Banta Singh." Third one came and asked the same question Sardar was totally annoyed and decided to shift
his place. While walking he saw another Sardar enjoying the Beach. He went and asked him " Are you Relaxing?" The other Sardar was much educated and answered
"Yes I am relaxing. The Sardar slapped him on his face and said "Idiot, Sab tere Ko wahahn dhoond rahe hai aur tu Yahaan Aaram Kar raha hai." (Translation
... Idiot everyone is looking for you and you are relaxing here!!!!!)
*********************************************
So this sardarji is walking the other day and comes across a banana peel on the road. Can you guess what he might be thinking??
"Saala today again I will have to fall......"
*********************************************
Doctor: Ye mera pehla operation hai, success hua to mere liye, nahi to
tumhare liye.
*********************************************
Santa: Doc saab, mein Chashma laga ke pad to sakoonga?
Doc: Haan, bilkul.
Santa: To phir theek hai doc saab varna Anpad aadmi ki zindagi bhi koi zindagi hai.
*********************************************
Santa joined NASA. After one month the Americans had to change the name from
NASA to SATYANASA
*********************************************
Santa apni girl friend ko I Luv U kehta hai aur gir jata hai.
Gal: Yeh kya kar rahe ho?
Santa: I'm falling in love.
*********************************************
Banta: Yeh chaaku kyon ubaal rahe ho?
Santa: Suicide karne ke liye
Banta: To phir ubalne ki kya zaroorat hai?
Santa: Kahin infection na ho jaaye
*********************************************
Santa: Today is Sunday & I wanna njoy, so I bought 3 movie tickets
Jeeto: Why 3?
Santa: For you and your parents
*********************************************
Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.
Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.
*********************************************
Lady Doc: Tum roz subah clinic ke bahar khade ho kar auraton ko kyon ghoorte
ho?
Santa: Ji aap hi ne bahar likha hai: Auraton ko dekhne ka samay 9am-11am
*********************************************
A man to Santa: Aao ji chess khelein
Santa: Tu chal mein sports shoes pehen kar aaya.
*********************************************
There's a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. All the sardars in the mayyat' are dancing the bhangra and singing and general 'balle balle'
is on. The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if its marriage baraat. So one of them asks Santa sing,
"Singh saab, how come you are celebrating?"..... comes the reply :
Its the first time that a sardar has died of "brain" tumour !!"
*********************************************
One Sardar was enjoying Sun on a Beach in UK. A lady came and asked him, "Are you relaxing" Sardar answered '" No I am Banta Singh" Another Guy came and
asked the same Question. Sardar answered "No No Me Banta Singh." Third one came and asked the same question Sardar was totally annoyed and decided to shift
his place. While walking he saw another Sardar enjoying the Beach. He went and asked him " Are you Relaxing?" The other Sardar was much educated and answered
"Yes I am relaxing. The Sardar slapped him on his face and said "Idiot, Sab tere Ko wahahn dhoond rahe hai aur tu Yahaan Aaram Kar raha hai." (Translation
... Idiot everyone is looking for you and you are relaxing here!!!!!)
*********************************************
So this sardarji is walking the other day and comes across a banana peel on the road. Can you guess what he might be thinking??
"Saala today again I will have to fall......"
*********************************************
FRIENDSHIP SMS
Friendship is a promise made in the heart.
Silent.
Unwritten.
Unbreakable by distance.
Unchangeable by time.
Its lovely to have u as one !
No one will manufacture a lock without a key.
Similarly, God wont give problems without solutions.
So defeat your problems with great confidence.
Never ask 4 a kiss, just take it.
Never give a hug, ask 4 it.
Never ask do u love me, first say I love u.
Never say I cant live without u, say I live for u.
If a drop of water falls in
lake there is no identity.
But if it falls on a leaf of lotus
it shine like a pearl.
so choose the best place
where you would shine..
I have a pen which is blue,
I have a friend which is you.
Flowers will die, waters will dry,
but our friendship will never say goodbye.
X’cuse me,
Agar ap abhi soye nahin ho
aur sms parh rahe ho to
“Good Night”
Aur agar aap so gaye ho
aur sms subah parho gay to phir
“Good Morning
Shakespear said don’t worry!
because if u r worried u get a wrinkle,
So why don’t u smile & get a dimple.
Always smile and be happy
The world’s most beautiful sentence is…
“BUT…I LOVE U”
and the world’s most selfish and painful sentence is
“I LOVE YOU…BUT..”
Man: Sir, my wife is missing.
Postmaster:bhai ye post office hai,
police station me complain dijiyee.
Man:Kia karon, khushi k mare
kuch samajh nahin aa raha
0ur Friendship is Like Playing on See-Saw
Not only Because Its Always Fun With You
But Also Because I Wouldnt Mind
Going Down 2 See You Rising !!!
Sometimes in life we think
we don’t need anyone,
But sometimes we don’t have
anyone when we need someone.
So,hold good peoples around
&
never let your friends go!
Salesman:This computer will
cut your workload by 50%.
Babbal Singh:That is great,
I will take two of them
Man standing on the scale,
holding his stomach in.
Wife:I do not think that is going to help.
Man:Sure it does. How else could I see the numbers?
A man sees a fat man
sitting in a train cabin.
Taunting, he asks:
Is this cabin for elephants only!
Fat man humbly replies:
No!Even monkeys like you can sit!
Love is what I see in, your smile every day.
Love is what I feel in, every touch you give.
Love is what I hear in, every word you say.
Love is what we share every day we live
FRIEND means
f=free frm all formalities
r=right to say any thing
i=in anyway
e=either good or bad
n=no sorry no thnx
d=daantna peetna allowed 24 hours
Look Outside its So Pleasant!
Sun Smiling 4 U !
Trees Dancing 4 U !
Birds Singing 4 U !
Because, I Asked Them All 2 Wish You
True friends are like mornings,
u cant have them the whole day,
but u can be sure,
they will be there when u wakeup tomorrow,
next year and forever.
When clouds break rain falls.
When coconut break water falls.
when love break tears falls
but
when friendship break life falls
so never break friendship.
“Friends”
are
like
balloons
once u let them go
u cant ever get them
back
dats y i ll tie u
tight tu my heart
u r precious to lose
Lovers sitting in a park,
boy tries to kiss the girl..
Girl says No dear not all this before marriage..
Boy: Don’t worry darling “I am already married”.:
Once there was a mirror which used to kill “LIERS”
FRENCH:I think I don’t smoke (killed)
AMERICAN:I think, I love Iraq(killed)
Indian:I think (killed)
Life spent with someone
for a lifetime may be meaningless,
But a few moments spent
with someone who really loves U,
Means more than a life itself!
A beautiful girl goes to Professor cabin
and
say
that i will do anything to pass in the exams
and professor says
NOW OPEN YOUR
.
.
.
.
.
.
Books And Study
How long will you be special to me?
As long as the stars twinkle in the sky,
As long as angels are there up high,
Till the ocean run dry and till the day i die.
6 rules to be HAPPY:
Free your heart from hatred;
Free your mind from worries;
Live simply;
Expect less;
Give more & Always have ME as UR FRIEND
:-)
Love story!
A mosquito & hen fell in love with each other.
1 day they kissed each other
Hen died of dengue
&
Mosquito died of bird flu
Moral: Sachi mohabbat:-)
Professor:Chemical symbol of Barium?
Sardar: BA
Professor:For sodium?
Sardar: NA
Professor:What will we get if 1 atom of BA
& 2 atoms of NA combined?
Sardar: BANANA
Easiest ways to Die,
1.Have a cigerrate daily
U’ll die 10 years early
2.Have drink daily,
U’ll die 30 years early
3.Love some1 truely
U’ll die daily.
Its not an achievement to
make 1000’s friends in a year,
but an achievement is when
you make a friend for 1000’s years.
Be my vallentine
i am sending you this valentine wish
with hugs and kissess ,too ;
cause there,s a place
here in my neart that,s
mad for only you!!!!!!!!!!
What do you give a lady so sweet?
Who makes my existence so complete.
Should She get a Long-stemmed Rose?
Perhaps some very heartfelt pros?
A store-bought card with another’s word?
Anything that’s purchased seems absurd.
I would give you the World if it were mine,
For now, take my heart, and be My Valentine.
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!
Old man walking on the street,
sees a child trying 2 reach a door bell.
Old man goes to the door,
rings the bell & says: what else?
Child:Uncle ab bhagoo!
Pundit:-Tumhare jeevan me 6 larkian ayengi.
Bow:Wow, kia bat hai.
Pandit:Ziada khush hone ki baat nahin hai.
1 ghar wali or 5 betiyan hain
Lawyer to sardar:geeta pe hath rakho
Sardar:Kamal hai, Seeta pe hath rakha
to baat court tak pohanch gaye,
ab bol raha he geeta pe hath rakho:
Babbal Singh saw a very high Airtel Tower
& red light glowing on the top,
seeing this he said “India is developing fast,
see there are traffic signals for Aeroplane in the air"
Congratulations!
Good news for Pokhara University students
Exams of Board have been postponed upto june
To confirm goto site
www.stop dreaming & start studying.com
If dentists make films,?the names will be -
*Daant ho na ho
*Jaanam brush karo
*Aa ab clean karen
*Kabhi teeth kabhi gum
*Humara daant aapke paas hai!
Silent.
Unwritten.
Unbreakable by distance.
Unchangeable by time.
Its lovely to have u as one !
No one will manufacture a lock without a key.
Similarly, God wont give problems without solutions.
So defeat your problems with great confidence.
Never ask 4 a kiss, just take it.
Never give a hug, ask 4 it.
Never ask do u love me, first say I love u.
Never say I cant live without u, say I live for u.
If a drop of water falls in
lake there is no identity.
But if it falls on a leaf of lotus
it shine like a pearl.
so choose the best place
where you would shine..
I have a pen which is blue,
I have a friend which is you.
Flowers will die, waters will dry,
but our friendship will never say goodbye.
X’cuse me,
Agar ap abhi soye nahin ho
aur sms parh rahe ho to
“Good Night”
Aur agar aap so gaye ho
aur sms subah parho gay to phir
“Good Morning
Shakespear said don’t worry!
because if u r worried u get a wrinkle,
So why don’t u smile & get a dimple.
Always smile and be happy
The world’s most beautiful sentence is…
“BUT…I LOVE U”
and the world’s most selfish and painful sentence is
“I LOVE YOU…BUT..”
Man: Sir, my wife is missing.
Postmaster:bhai ye post office hai,
police station me complain dijiyee.
Man:Kia karon, khushi k mare
kuch samajh nahin aa raha
0ur Friendship is Like Playing on See-Saw
Not only Because Its Always Fun With You
But Also Because I Wouldnt Mind
Going Down 2 See You Rising !!!
Sometimes in life we think
we don’t need anyone,
But sometimes we don’t have
anyone when we need someone.
So,hold good peoples around
&
never let your friends go!
Salesman:This computer will
cut your workload by 50%.
Babbal Singh:That is great,
I will take two of them
Man standing on the scale,
holding his stomach in.
Wife:I do not think that is going to help.
Man:Sure it does. How else could I see the numbers?
A man sees a fat man
sitting in a train cabin.
Taunting, he asks:
Is this cabin for elephants only!
Fat man humbly replies:
No!Even monkeys like you can sit!
Love is what I see in, your smile every day.
Love is what I feel in, every touch you give.
Love is what I hear in, every word you say.
Love is what we share every day we live
FRIEND means
f=free frm all formalities
r=right to say any thing
i=in anyway
e=either good or bad
n=no sorry no thnx
d=daantna peetna allowed 24 hours
Look Outside its So Pleasant!
Sun Smiling 4 U !
Trees Dancing 4 U !
Birds Singing 4 U !
Because, I Asked Them All 2 Wish You
True friends are like mornings,
u cant have them the whole day,
but u can be sure,
they will be there when u wakeup tomorrow,
next year and forever.
When clouds break rain falls.
When coconut break water falls.
when love break tears falls
but
when friendship break life falls
so never break friendship.
“Friends”
are
like
balloons
once u let them go
u cant ever get them
back
dats y i ll tie u
tight tu my heart
u r precious to lose
Lovers sitting in a park,
boy tries to kiss the girl..
Girl says No dear not all this before marriage..
Boy: Don’t worry darling “I am already married”.:
Once there was a mirror which used to kill “LIERS”
FRENCH:I think I don’t smoke (killed)
AMERICAN:I think, I love Iraq(killed)
Indian:I think (killed)
Life spent with someone
for a lifetime may be meaningless,
But a few moments spent
with someone who really loves U,
Means more than a life itself!
A beautiful girl goes to Professor cabin
and
say
that i will do anything to pass in the exams
and professor says
NOW OPEN YOUR
.
.
.
.
.
.
Books And Study
How long will you be special to me?
As long as the stars twinkle in the sky,
As long as angels are there up high,
Till the ocean run dry and till the day i die.
6 rules to be HAPPY:
Free your heart from hatred;
Free your mind from worries;
Live simply;
Expect less;
Give more & Always have ME as UR FRIEND
:-)
Love story!
A mosquito & hen fell in love with each other.
1 day they kissed each other
Hen died of dengue
&
Mosquito died of bird flu
Moral: Sachi mohabbat:-)
Professor:Chemical symbol of Barium?
Sardar: BA
Professor:For sodium?
Sardar: NA
Professor:What will we get if 1 atom of BA
& 2 atoms of NA combined?
Sardar: BANANA
Easiest ways to Die,
1.Have a cigerrate daily
U’ll die 10 years early
2.Have drink daily,
U’ll die 30 years early
3.Love some1 truely
U’ll die daily.
Its not an achievement to
make 1000’s friends in a year,
but an achievement is when
you make a friend for 1000’s years.
Be my vallentine
i am sending you this valentine wish
with hugs and kissess ,too ;
cause there,s a place
here in my neart that,s
mad for only you!!!!!!!!!!
What do you give a lady so sweet?
Who makes my existence so complete.
Should She get a Long-stemmed Rose?
Perhaps some very heartfelt pros?
A store-bought card with another’s word?
Anything that’s purchased seems absurd.
I would give you the World if it were mine,
For now, take my heart, and be My Valentine.
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!
Old man walking on the street,
sees a child trying 2 reach a door bell.
Old man goes to the door,
rings the bell & says: what else?
Child:Uncle ab bhagoo!
Pundit:-Tumhare jeevan me 6 larkian ayengi.
Bow:Wow, kia bat hai.
Pandit:Ziada khush hone ki baat nahin hai.
1 ghar wali or 5 betiyan hain
Lawyer to sardar:geeta pe hath rakho
Sardar:Kamal hai, Seeta pe hath rakha
to baat court tak pohanch gaye,
ab bol raha he geeta pe hath rakho:
Babbal Singh saw a very high Airtel Tower
& red light glowing on the top,
seeing this he said “India is developing fast,
see there are traffic signals for Aeroplane in the air"
Congratulations!
Good news for Pokhara University students
Exams of Board have been postponed upto june
To confirm goto site
www.stop dreaming & start studying.com
If dentists make films,?the names will be -
*Daant ho na ho
*Jaanam brush karo
*Aa ab clean karen
*Kabhi teeth kabhi gum
*Humara daant aapke paas hai!
BIRTHDAY SMS
Happy Birthday
A couple phoned a neighbour to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him. But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.
"Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need all the practice you can get."
Mr.Mundre(as a teacher) had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science.
He had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time...
"Class," said he, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things... What am I?"
A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother!"
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that
.
Sorry 4 disturb u. can u fax me ur photo, its very urgent, serious matter has comeup actually, we r playing a cards and I lost the joker.
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. mundre, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. mundre replied. "I hung him up to dry."
I want u... To be with me In a nice Restaurent To have candle light dinner.... & to say say those sweet three words to U.... "Pay The Bill"
A Short thing
It gets Longer
when U hold it
N pass between
women Breasts
N enters into
A hole
What is it?
1 min 2 think!
Car Seat Belt
U dirty mind.
Colour of underwear reflects your mood:
Red - Wild,
Black - Sexy,
Blue - Romantic,
Pink - Seductive
White - Calm,
Yellow - time to change your undrewear!
INDIA KI REET... Ladki agar apni marzi se de de to PYAAR... Agar Dost Dilwaye to UPHAR... Ghar wale dilwaye to SANSKAR... aur agar apne aap lele to... BaLaTkAar...
Sali: Jija ji 500 rs. dedo, agley hafte doongi...
Jija: 1500 lele par abhi de..
Make luv to ur galfriend on Valentine day. She'll give u gud news on Mothers` day n u'll hv a child on children`s day. Don't try this on everybody. U'll hv bad news on Dec 1 (AIDS day)
Mental anxiety,
Mental breakdowns,
Menstrual cramps,
Menopause...
Did you ever notice how all women problems begin with MEN!
School mein bachche ke papa ne teacher se kaha: Madam ji thodi aap koshish karo, thodi hum karte hain, bachcha to nikal hi jayega...!
Teacher: why are you late?
Student: My dad told me to take our cow to bull.
Teacher(Angrily): Can't your dad to it?
Student: No, only BULL can do it.
Wht he wants, I do not want ... What I want, he doesn't want ... What we both want, is not allowed!
Don't send any messages, I don't want to see you, hear your voice, think of you, coz my doctor advised me 2 keep away from Sweets.
Q: What is the difference b/w secretary & private secretary?
Ans: Secretary says GOOD MORNING SIR
&
Private secretary says ITS MORNING SIR
Miss: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?
Student: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.
What are the difference between a paisa and a friend? A paisa is easy to earn, a friend is hard to find. A paisa loses its value, a friend increases its worth. I don't have a paisa but I have you!
In da mornin I don’t eat coz I think of u, at noon I don’t eat coz I think of u, in da evenin I don’t eat coz I think of u, at night I don’t sleep coz Im hungry
At this moment 3.7 Millions are sleeping,2.3 Millions are falling in Love,4.1 Million are eating & only one cute person in the whole world is reading my SMS....Good Night!!!
Forgetting u is hard to do, 4gtn me is upto you, Forgetting me not, forgt me never, bt don’t forget, we’re great together
Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
A couple phoned a neighbour to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him. But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.
"Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need all the practice you can get."
Mr.Mundre(as a teacher) had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science.
He had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time...
"Class," said he, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things... What am I?"
A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother!"
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that
.
Sorry 4 disturb u. can u fax me ur photo, its very urgent, serious matter has comeup actually, we r playing a cards and I lost the joker.
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. mundre, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. mundre replied. "I hung him up to dry."
I want u... To be with me In a nice Restaurent To have candle light dinner.... & to say say those sweet three words to U.... "Pay The Bill"
A Short thing
It gets Longer
when U hold it
N pass between
women Breasts
N enters into
A hole
What is it?
1 min 2 think!
Car Seat Belt
U dirty mind.
Colour of underwear reflects your mood:
Red - Wild,
Black - Sexy,
Blue - Romantic,
Pink - Seductive
White - Calm,
Yellow - time to change your undrewear!
INDIA KI REET... Ladki agar apni marzi se de de to PYAAR... Agar Dost Dilwaye to UPHAR... Ghar wale dilwaye to SANSKAR... aur agar apne aap lele to... BaLaTkAar...
Sali: Jija ji 500 rs. dedo, agley hafte doongi...
Jija: 1500 lele par abhi de..
Make luv to ur galfriend on Valentine day. She'll give u gud news on Mothers` day n u'll hv a child on children`s day. Don't try this on everybody. U'll hv bad news on Dec 1 (AIDS day)
Mental anxiety,
Mental breakdowns,
Menstrual cramps,
Menopause...
Did you ever notice how all women problems begin with MEN!
School mein bachche ke papa ne teacher se kaha: Madam ji thodi aap koshish karo, thodi hum karte hain, bachcha to nikal hi jayega...!
Teacher: why are you late?
Student: My dad told me to take our cow to bull.
Teacher(Angrily): Can't your dad to it?
Student: No, only BULL can do it.
Wht he wants, I do not want ... What I want, he doesn't want ... What we both want, is not allowed!
Don't send any messages, I don't want to see you, hear your voice, think of you, coz my doctor advised me 2 keep away from Sweets.
Q: What is the difference b/w secretary & private secretary?
Ans: Secretary says GOOD MORNING SIR
&
Private secretary says ITS MORNING SIR
Miss: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?
Student: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.
What are the difference between a paisa and a friend? A paisa is easy to earn, a friend is hard to find. A paisa loses its value, a friend increases its worth. I don't have a paisa but I have you!
In da mornin I don’t eat coz I think of u, at noon I don’t eat coz I think of u, in da evenin I don’t eat coz I think of u, at night I don’t sleep coz Im hungry
At this moment 3.7 Millions are sleeping,2.3 Millions are falling in Love,4.1 Million are eating & only one cute person in the whole world is reading my SMS....Good Night!!!
Forgetting u is hard to do, 4gtn me is upto you, Forgetting me not, forgt me never, bt don’t forget, we’re great together
Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
WEDDING MC JOKES( RELATIONSHIP JOKES)
Being asked to be the Wedding MC can be a nerve-wracking experience for many men. Responsible for making sure the reception timetable is adhered to, the wedding MC is also expected to be funny, although he doesn't give a speech unless he is also best man - the role was traditionally performed by the best man, but these days is often a separate function. However, the wedding MC is required to speak in public when introducing the speakers and making other announcements.
How to Prepare Your Wedding MC Jokes
The good news about weddings is that people will tend to laugh at anything that is even remotely funny and so your wedding MC jokes don't need to be the best you've ever heard. However, delivery and timing certainly help, so you should prepare your jokes in advance and practice speaking them aloud.
A warm, friendly manner will go down well and make people more predisposed to like what you say. Don't try and be the center of attention, and make sure the jokes you use are appropriate for everyone invited to the wedding. The guests are likely to comprise of all age ranges from toddlers to the elderly and so don't say anything that might offend!
If you're not a natural comedian - and lets face it, not many of us are - then you may be short of jokes. Most people can only remember a few, so it can really be helpful to invest a few dollars in a Wedding MC Jokebook. While some of the jokes may have been used before, they are tried and tested and you'll also get tips of delivery from professional comedians and your performance can really benefit.
Example Jokes
The jokes below are just a selection from the Wedding MC Jokebook, but may give you some ideas to get started.
Example 1
Why are husbands like lawnmowers? They’re hard to get started, they emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time.
Example 2
A young couple was called to heaven before they could be married. The disappointed groom asked St. Peter if it would still be possible for them to get married.
"I'm afraid you'll have to wait," St. Peter replied. If you still want to get married we will talk about it."
Five years passed and the couple came back. They asked to be married again. St. Peter said, "Sorry, you'll have to wait five more years."
They waited another five years and St. Peter said they could be married. The wedding was beautiful and at first the couple was happy, but then they realized they made a mistake. They now asked St. Peter if they could get a divorce.
"What?" St . Peter asked. "It took us 10 years to find a minister in heaven, and now you want a lawyer?"
Example 3
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested her husband should try his hand changing diapers.
"I’m busy" he said, "I’ll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled.
"Oh, I didn’t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"
Practicing your Wedding MC Jokes
Once you've prepared your jokes, you should make a note of them - just enough to remind you of what they are. Also start to plan when during the day you are going to say them. Only use one at a time, otherwise people will start to think you're stealing some of the limelight from the bride and groom.
Since you need to announce what happens when, you should consult the bride and groom to find out what their plans are. Write this all down with approximate timings so that on the big day you don't have to do it all from memory - a sure-fire road to disaster.
Once you have a list of what you need to do and when, and notes on the jokes you should start to think about what you'll say during the announcements. In addition to your wedding MC jokes you need to pass of information too!
Practice what you've planned until you are comfortable with it. Once you start on the wedding day, you'll tart to enjoy the role and relax. And once people laugh at your comments then you'll be able to really enjoy yourself.
Good luck!
How to Prepare Your Wedding MC Jokes
The good news about weddings is that people will tend to laugh at anything that is even remotely funny and so your wedding MC jokes don't need to be the best you've ever heard. However, delivery and timing certainly help, so you should prepare your jokes in advance and practice speaking them aloud.
A warm, friendly manner will go down well and make people more predisposed to like what you say. Don't try and be the center of attention, and make sure the jokes you use are appropriate for everyone invited to the wedding. The guests are likely to comprise of all age ranges from toddlers to the elderly and so don't say anything that might offend!
If you're not a natural comedian - and lets face it, not many of us are - then you may be short of jokes. Most people can only remember a few, so it can really be helpful to invest a few dollars in a Wedding MC Jokebook. While some of the jokes may have been used before, they are tried and tested and you'll also get tips of delivery from professional comedians and your performance can really benefit.
Example Jokes
The jokes below are just a selection from the Wedding MC Jokebook, but may give you some ideas to get started.
Example 1
Why are husbands like lawnmowers? They’re hard to get started, they emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time.
Example 2
A young couple was called to heaven before they could be married. The disappointed groom asked St. Peter if it would still be possible for them to get married.
"I'm afraid you'll have to wait," St. Peter replied. If you still want to get married we will talk about it."
Five years passed and the couple came back. They asked to be married again. St. Peter said, "Sorry, you'll have to wait five more years."
They waited another five years and St. Peter said they could be married. The wedding was beautiful and at first the couple was happy, but then they realized they made a mistake. They now asked St. Peter if they could get a divorce.
"What?" St . Peter asked. "It took us 10 years to find a minister in heaven, and now you want a lawyer?"
Example 3
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested her husband should try his hand changing diapers.
"I’m busy" he said, "I’ll do the next one."
The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled.
"Oh, I didn’t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"
Practicing your Wedding MC Jokes
Once you've prepared your jokes, you should make a note of them - just enough to remind you of what they are. Also start to plan when during the day you are going to say them. Only use one at a time, otherwise people will start to think you're stealing some of the limelight from the bride and groom.
Since you need to announce what happens when, you should consult the bride and groom to find out what their plans are. Write this all down with approximate timings so that on the big day you don't have to do it all from memory - a sure-fire road to disaster.
Once you have a list of what you need to do and when, and notes on the jokes you should start to think about what you'll say during the announcements. In addition to your wedding MC jokes you need to pass of information too!
Practice what you've planned until you are comfortable with it. Once you start on the wedding day, you'll tart to enjoy the role and relax. And once people laugh at your comments then you'll be able to really enjoy yourself.
Good luck!
FUNNY KIDS JOKES
Funny Kids Joke #1:
o A little girl goes to see the doctor. She's got a pea in one nostril, a grape in the other, and a string bean stuck in her ear.
She says to the doctor... "I don't feel good."
The doctor replies... "The problem is clear to me. You're not eating right!"
o What did the chewing gum say to the shoe?
I'm stuck on you
o What did the silly comedian bake on his day off?
Cornbread
o What is black and white and pink all over?
An embarrassess zebra!
o What did one mountain say to the other mountain?
Let's meet in the valley
o What bird steals from the rich to give to the poor?
Robin Hood
o What did the toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a little flushed
o Why did the woman wear a helmet at the dinner table?
She was on a crash diet.
o Why didn't the hotdog star in the movies?
The rolls weren't good enough.
o Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere.
Funny Kids Joke #2:
o What do you call a fairy that hasn't taken a bath?
Stinkerbell
o Why do birds fly south?
Because it is too far to walk.
o What time is it when an elephant sites on a fence?
Time to get a new fence.
o Which word in the dictionary is spelled incorrectly?
Incorrectly
o What is the cannibals’ favorite game?
Swallow the leader.
o What do you call a scared dinosaur?
A nervous Rex.
o Why are Teddy Bears never hungry?
Because they are always stuffed.
o Who granted the fish's wish?
The Fairy Cod Mother.
Funny Kids Joke #3:
o How do change a pumpkin into another vegetable?
You throw it up in the air and it comes down squash.
o Why is Dracula so unpopular?
He's a pain in the neck.
o If you are American outside of the bathroom what are you when you are inside the bathroom?
European (you're a peeing)
o What did the snail say when she climbed up on the turtle's back?
Wheeeeeeeeeeee
o Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.
o Who always steals the soap in the bathroom?
The robber ducky!
o What do you call a lamb attack ship?
A battlesheep!
o What did Adam say to Eve on Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!
o What kind of vegetable did Gus eat at the bowling alley?
A-spare-a-gus!
o What are grey, purple, pink, orange, yellow and blue?
An elephant holding a box of crayons!!
o What's the LONGEST word in the WHOLE WORLD?
S-MILE...because "s" is a mile from the end!
Funny Kids Joke #4:
o Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
He wanted cold hard cash!
o What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
"Is that you mommy?"
o What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
o How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
o What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
o What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
o Where do polar bears vote?
The North Poll
o What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
ME!!!
o Where do snowmen keep their money?
In snow banks.
o What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Funny Kids Joke #5:
o Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
o What dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog.
o Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing!
o What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
It let out a little wine!
o How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogey in it!
o Where do bees go to the bathroom?
At the BP station!
o What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
Odor in the court.
o What did the water say to the boat?
Nothing, it just waved.
o What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
Dam!
o Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts.
Funny Kids Joke #6:
o What has four legs but can't walk?
A table!
o Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station!
o What did the ground say to the earthquake?
You crack me up!
o What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
Milk and quackers!
o Why did the elephant eat the candle?
He wanted a light snack!
o Why is the letter "G" scary?
It turns a host into a ghost
o What has 4 eyes but no face?
Mississippi!
o What did the spider do on the computer?
Made a website!
o What letters are not in the alphabet?
The ones in the mail, of course!
o Why were 6 afraid of 7?
Because 789!
Funny Kids Joke #7:
o Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because it felt crummy.
o How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses!
o What do you call a pony with a sore throat?
A little horse
o What do you call cheese that is not yours?
Nacho Cheese
o Why did the sheep say "moo"?
It was learning a new language!
o What streets do ghosts haunt?
Dead ends!
o What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?
The Space bar!
o What exam do young witches have to pass?
A spell-ing test!
o Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
o Why is Basketball such a messy sport?
Because you dribble on the floor!
Funny Kids Joke #8:
o What is the best day to go to the beach?
Sunday, of course!
o What bow can't be tied?
A rainbow!
o What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
Every morning you'll rise and shine!
o What does a teddy bear put in his house?
Fur-niture!
o What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
Spring time.
o What happens to cows during an earthquake?
They give milk shakes!
o Why did the jelly wobble?
Because it saw the milk shakes!
o What do you call a girl who is always in the bookies?
Betty!
o Where do cows go on holiday?
Moo York
o Where did the computer go to dance?
To a disc-o.
o What do you call a man who rolls in the leaves?
Russell
Funny Kids Joke #9:
o What has one head, one foot and four legs?
A Bed
o Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
He was a chicken.
o What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?
The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
o What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil?
Stop going in circles and get to the point!
o How do you make a hotdog stand?
Steal its chair!
o Did you hear about what happened at the Laundromat last night?
Three clothes-pins held up two shirts!
o Why did the computer squeak?
Because someone stepped on its mouse
o What did one earthquake say to another?
It's not my fault!
o Where's an astronaut's favorite place on the computer?
The spacebar!
o What do you call a cat that sucks on lemons?
A sour puss!
o A little girl goes to see the doctor. She's got a pea in one nostril, a grape in the other, and a string bean stuck in her ear.
She says to the doctor... "I don't feel good."
The doctor replies... "The problem is clear to me. You're not eating right!"
o What did the chewing gum say to the shoe?
I'm stuck on you
o What did the silly comedian bake on his day off?
Cornbread
o What is black and white and pink all over?
An embarrassess zebra!
o What did one mountain say to the other mountain?
Let's meet in the valley
o What bird steals from the rich to give to the poor?
Robin Hood
o What did the toilet say to the other toilet?
You look a little flushed
o Why did the woman wear a helmet at the dinner table?
She was on a crash diet.
o Why didn't the hotdog star in the movies?
The rolls weren't good enough.
o Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere.
Funny Kids Joke #2:
o What do you call a fairy that hasn't taken a bath?
Stinkerbell
o Why do birds fly south?
Because it is too far to walk.
o What time is it when an elephant sites on a fence?
Time to get a new fence.
o Which word in the dictionary is spelled incorrectly?
Incorrectly
o What is the cannibals’ favorite game?
Swallow the leader.
o What do you call a scared dinosaur?
A nervous Rex.
o Why are Teddy Bears never hungry?
Because they are always stuffed.
o Who granted the fish's wish?
The Fairy Cod Mother.
Funny Kids Joke #3:
o How do change a pumpkin into another vegetable?
You throw it up in the air and it comes down squash.
o Why is Dracula so unpopular?
He's a pain in the neck.
o If you are American outside of the bathroom what are you when you are inside the bathroom?
European (you're a peeing)
o What did the snail say when she climbed up on the turtle's back?
Wheeeeeeeeeeee
o Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.
o Who always steals the soap in the bathroom?
The robber ducky!
o What do you call a lamb attack ship?
A battlesheep!
o What did Adam say to Eve on Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!
o What kind of vegetable did Gus eat at the bowling alley?
A-spare-a-gus!
o What are grey, purple, pink, orange, yellow and blue?
An elephant holding a box of crayons!!
o What's the LONGEST word in the WHOLE WORLD?
S-MILE...because "s" is a mile from the end!
Funny Kids Joke #4:
o Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
He wanted cold hard cash!
o What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
"Is that you mommy?"
o What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
o How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
o What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
o What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
o Where do polar bears vote?
The North Poll
o What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
ME!!!
o Where do snowmen keep their money?
In snow banks.
o What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Funny Kids Joke #5:
o Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
o What dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog.
o Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing!
o What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
It let out a little wine!
o How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogey in it!
o Where do bees go to the bathroom?
At the BP station!
o What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
Odor in the court.
o What did the water say to the boat?
Nothing, it just waved.
o What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
Dam!
o Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts.
Funny Kids Joke #6:
o What has four legs but can't walk?
A table!
o Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station!
o What did the ground say to the earthquake?
You crack me up!
o What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
Milk and quackers!
o Why did the elephant eat the candle?
He wanted a light snack!
o Why is the letter "G" scary?
It turns a host into a ghost
o What has 4 eyes but no face?
Mississippi!
o What did the spider do on the computer?
Made a website!
o What letters are not in the alphabet?
The ones in the mail, of course!
o Why were 6 afraid of 7?
Because 789!
Funny Kids Joke #7:
o Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because it felt crummy.
o How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses!
o What do you call a pony with a sore throat?
A little horse
o What do you call cheese that is not yours?
Nacho Cheese
o Why did the sheep say "moo"?
It was learning a new language!
o What streets do ghosts haunt?
Dead ends!
o What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?
The Space bar!
o What exam do young witches have to pass?
A spell-ing test!
o Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
o Why is Basketball such a messy sport?
Because you dribble on the floor!
Funny Kids Joke #8:
o What is the best day to go to the beach?
Sunday, of course!
o What bow can't be tied?
A rainbow!
o What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
Every morning you'll rise and shine!
o What does a teddy bear put in his house?
Fur-niture!
o What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
Spring time.
o What happens to cows during an earthquake?
They give milk shakes!
o Why did the jelly wobble?
Because it saw the milk shakes!
o What do you call a girl who is always in the bookies?
Betty!
o Where do cows go on holiday?
Moo York
o Where did the computer go to dance?
To a disc-o.
o What do you call a man who rolls in the leaves?
Russell
Funny Kids Joke #9:
o What has one head, one foot and four legs?
A Bed
o Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
He was a chicken.
o What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?
The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
o What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil?
Stop going in circles and get to the point!
o How do you make a hotdog stand?
Steal its chair!
o Did you hear about what happened at the Laundromat last night?
Three clothes-pins held up two shirts!
o Why did the computer squeak?
Because someone stepped on its mouse
o What did one earthquake say to another?
It's not my fault!
o Where's an astronaut's favorite place on the computer?
The spacebar!
o What do you call a cat that sucks on lemons?
A sour puss!
FUNNY DOG JOKES(ANIMAL)
Funny Dogs Joke #1:
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a cute dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his long tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded!
He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
Funny Dogs Joke #2:
There is a pit-bull, bull-dog, and a black lab all locked up in the local dog pound.
The pit-bull decides to speak freely and says, "You know, it wasn't my fault I bit that kid's head off. The kids have been throwing rocks at me for years and I just couldn't help but jump the fence one day and go after them. Now they are going to put me to sleep."
The bull-dog speaks up and says, "I'm in for a similar incident. My master just wasn't paying any attention to me since that stinking baby came along and one day while it was crawling around on the floor I bit its leg off. Now they are going to put me to sleep too."
Both the pit-bull and bull-dog look at the black lab and ask, "What are you in for?"
The lab replies, "Well the other day my master's lady was walking around the house naked all day long cleaning the house. When she went into the bathroom and bent over to clean the tub I just couldn't take it anymore. I came up behind her, put my front paws on her back and mounted her."
The pit-bull asks, "So when are you due to be put to sleep?"
And the lab replies, "Oh, I'm not in to be put to sleep, I'm just in to have my nails trimmed and groomed."
Funny Dogs Joke #3:
A guy wanted to take his Chihuahua into a restaurant with him, so he put on dark glasses and "tapped" his way into the establishment.
The waiter said "Hey! You can't bring a dog in here."
The man indignantly claimed "I'm blind! ... This is my Seeing Eye dog!"
"You're trying to tell me" said the waiter, "that this Chihuahua is a Seeing Eye dog?"
"What???!!” cried the man, "they gave me a Chihuahua?"
Funny Dogs Joke #4:
Man to dog trainer: "Every time a bell rings, my dog goes into the corner."
Dog trainer: "That's OK, he is a Boxer."
Funny Dogs Joke #5:
A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."
Her husband replies, "Well, lots of clever dogs can do that."
The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any!"
Funny Dogs Joke #6:
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part... did you get...?"
Funny Dogs Joke #7:
As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.
"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.
"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.
"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother.
"Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"
POOF: There, in front stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.
As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I bet you are sorry you had me neutered."
Funny Dogs Joke #8:
During break time at obedience school, two silly dogs were talking. One said to the other...
"The thing I hate about obedience school is you learn ALL this stuff you will never use in the real world."
Funny Dogs Joke #9:
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
The vet says, "Well, let's have a look at him."
So the vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes.
“Finally” he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Just because he is cross-eyed?"
"No, because he is really, really heavy."
Funny Dogs Joke #10:
A little girl asks her Mom, "Mom, may I take the little dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom says, "The dog is in heat, go ask daddy."
The little girl goes to her father,
"Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? Mom said the dog is in heat and that I should ask you."
"Hm." He answers, “Takes a rag, soaks it with gasoline, and scrubs the dog's butt with it.”
"OK, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash."
Little girl goes and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Dad asks, "Where is Susie?"
Little girl says, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block. But another dog is pushing her home."
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a cute dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his long tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded!
He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
Funny Dogs Joke #2:
There is a pit-bull, bull-dog, and a black lab all locked up in the local dog pound.
The pit-bull decides to speak freely and says, "You know, it wasn't my fault I bit that kid's head off. The kids have been throwing rocks at me for years and I just couldn't help but jump the fence one day and go after them. Now they are going to put me to sleep."
The bull-dog speaks up and says, "I'm in for a similar incident. My master just wasn't paying any attention to me since that stinking baby came along and one day while it was crawling around on the floor I bit its leg off. Now they are going to put me to sleep too."
Both the pit-bull and bull-dog look at the black lab and ask, "What are you in for?"
The lab replies, "Well the other day my master's lady was walking around the house naked all day long cleaning the house. When she went into the bathroom and bent over to clean the tub I just couldn't take it anymore. I came up behind her, put my front paws on her back and mounted her."
The pit-bull asks, "So when are you due to be put to sleep?"
And the lab replies, "Oh, I'm not in to be put to sleep, I'm just in to have my nails trimmed and groomed."
Funny Dogs Joke #3:
A guy wanted to take his Chihuahua into a restaurant with him, so he put on dark glasses and "tapped" his way into the establishment.
The waiter said "Hey! You can't bring a dog in here."
The man indignantly claimed "I'm blind! ... This is my Seeing Eye dog!"
"You're trying to tell me" said the waiter, "that this Chihuahua is a Seeing Eye dog?"
"What???!!” cried the man, "they gave me a Chihuahua?"
Funny Dogs Joke #4:
Man to dog trainer: "Every time a bell rings, my dog goes into the corner."
Dog trainer: "That's OK, he is a Boxer."
Funny Dogs Joke #5:
A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."
Her husband replies, "Well, lots of clever dogs can do that."
The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any!"
Funny Dogs Joke #6:
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part... did you get...?"
Funny Dogs Joke #7:
As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her.
"Well," said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into solid gold.
"And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess, with a priceless crown of jewels.
"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother.
"Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince?"
POOF: There, in front stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. She stared at him in awe, completely smitten.
As he came toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I bet you are sorry you had me neutered."
Funny Dogs Joke #8:
During break time at obedience school, two silly dogs were talking. One said to the other...
"The thing I hate about obedience school is you learn ALL this stuff you will never use in the real world."
Funny Dogs Joke #9:
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
The vet says, "Well, let's have a look at him."
So the vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes.
“Finally” he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Just because he is cross-eyed?"
"No, because he is really, really heavy."
Funny Dogs Joke #10:
A little girl asks her Mom, "Mom, may I take the little dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom says, "The dog is in heat, go ask daddy."
The little girl goes to her father,
"Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? Mom said the dog is in heat and that I should ask you."
"Hm." He answers, “Takes a rag, soaks it with gasoline, and scrubs the dog's butt with it.”
"OK, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash."
Little girl goes and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Dad asks, "Where is Susie?"
Little girl says, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block. But another dog is pushing her home."
FUNNY FOOTBALL JOKES( SPORTS JOKES)
Funny Football Joke #1:
o Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
o What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?
They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.
o How many Man U fans does it take to pave up a driveway?
Depends how thin you slice them.
o What would you call a pregnant Man United fan?
A dope carrier.
o Sir Alex is queuing in his local building society, when a gunman bursts in through the door demanding money. Ferguson attempts to tackle the raider, but gets knocked over...
As he falls, his head smashes the counter and Sir Alex is out cold. The robber escapes and the cashier try to revive Ferguson.
After a few minutes he comes round and looks bewildered. His first words are...
"Where the hell am I?”
The Cashier replies...
"Don’t worry, it’s ok, you're in the Nationwide."
Ferguson replies, "F**k me, is it May already?"
o What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain?
Gifted.
________________________________________
Funny Football Joke #2:
o How many Man United fans does it take to change a light bulb?
560,001. That is 1 to change it, 60,000 to say they've been changing it for years and 500,000 to buy the replica kit.
o Michael Barrymore has offered Manchester United £1 million pounds to play as their striker because he wants 10 pricks behind him and 67,000 assholes jumping up and down.
o What do Manchester fans use as birth control?
Their personalities.
o What do Beckham and Posh Spice both have in common?
Both are f**ing bad singers!!!
o How many Man U supporters does it take to stop a moving Bus?
Never enough.
o What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?
God doesn't think he's Alex Ferguson.
o What do you call a Mancunian with no arms and legs?
Trustworthy.
________________________________________
Funny Football Joke #3:
o What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Man Utd. Fan?
Skid marks in front of the dog.
o What's the difference between a Man-U fan and a Vibrator?
A Man U fan is a real dick
o Why can't you get a cup of tea at Old Trafford?
All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Highbury.
o David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happily...
Posh asks him “why he’s celebrating?”
He answers...
"Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."
o "And that's good?" asks Posh.
"You bet Hon" says David."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."
o What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl?
Waste of Spice
o David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank...
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist...
"Have you donated before?”
"Yes" replies Beckham
"You should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist...
"But I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham
The receptionist replies...
"Well David, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."
________________________________________
Funny Football Joke #4:
o David Beckham walks into a pub.
The landlord says...
'A pint of your usual, David?'
Beckham replies...
'No, just a half, then I'm off'
o It’s the year 2019 and Romeo Beckham is about to sign professional terms with Manchester United.
Pondering the situation, he asks his Father...
"What squad number should I ask for dad?"
David thinks for a moment and says...
"Wear four out there Romeo"
o What do Barry Manilow and David Beckham have in common?
They are both f***ing useless singers.
o Why is David Beckham like a Ferrari Roche?
They both come in a posh box
o What's the difference between David Beckham and Posh?
Posh Spice doesn't kick back when she's taken from behind.
o What do David Beckham and British rail trains have in common?
They both go in and out of Victoria
o What do the England football team and Posh Spice both have in common?
They've both been screwed by David Beckham.
________________________________________
Funny Football Joke #5:
o Why did Posh Spice marry David Beckham?
Because he's the only fella who can lob Seaman at 60 yards!
o David Beckham has gone crazy believing Posh has been having an affair on him. In manic rage, he goes out and buys a gun. He rushes home to confront his wife, and finds her in bed with none other than Rudd Van Nistelroy. Devastated, Beckham takes out the gun and points it at his own head...
"No, David don't do it.!" Posh cries jumping up from her spot underneath the covers....
"I'm sorry and I know we can work this out."
"Shut up and sit back Victoria." Beckham replies.
"You're next."
o Every time Big Roger attends a Chelsea game he books 2 seats...
One to sit in, the other to throw when the fighting starts.
o Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read...
"Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan."
So, one of them asked the other...
"When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?"
o Two Chelsea fans jump off a cliff. Which one hits the ground first?.
Who gives a F**K!
o What do you get when you cross a Chelsea Fan with a pig?
I don't know, there are some things a pig just won't do.
o What do you call a Chelsea fan on the moon?
A Problem.
________________________________________
Funny Football Joke #6:
o What do you call 100 Chelsea fans on the moon?
An even bigger problem.
o What do you call all the Chelsea fans on the moon?
Problem solved
o How do you define 144 Chelsea fans
Gross Stupidity
o Why did Chelsea go on the stock exchange?
To prove that crap can float.
o What is the difference between Gianfranco Zola and a mini?
A mini can only carry three passengers.
o Why do Chelsea fans whistle whilst sitting on the toilet?
So they know which end to wipe!
o I've heard that Stamford Park has arguably the best pitch in the Premiership.
Well... not entirely surprising considering all the sh*t that has been on there.
o What's the difference between a Chelsea supporter and an Onion?
No one cries when you chop up a Chelsea fan!
________________________________________
Funny Football Joke #7:
o What do Chelsea keepers and Singer Michael Jackson both have in common?
Both wear gloves for no apparent reason.
o What does Claudi Ranieri say when Chelsea score?
Fantastic!!! Now let us try to get goal at other end of pitch.
o Two Gunners fans are on the plane on the way to Holland.
One turns to the other and says...
"Hey Arthur! See if this plane turns upside-down... will we fall out?"
"No way Richard," says his mate...
"Of course we'll still be pals!!"
o You're trapped in a room with a Lion, Cobra snake and an Arsenal Fan.
You have a gun with two bullets... What should you do?
Shoot the Arsenal Fan Twice!!!
o What is the difference between Arsenal and a cup of tea?
The tea stays in the cup longer!
o What do you call an Arsenal fan in a suit?
The accused.
o Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
o What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?
They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.
o How many Man U fans does it take to pave up a driveway?
Depends how thin you slice them.
o What would you call a pregnant Man United fan?
A dope carrier.
o Sir Alex is queuing in his local building society, when a gunman bursts in through the door demanding money. Ferguson attempts to tackle the raider, but gets knocked over...
As he falls, his head smashes the counter and Sir Alex is out cold. The robber escapes and the cashier try to revive Ferguson.
After a few minutes he comes round and looks bewildered. His first words are...
"Where the hell am I?”
The Cashier replies...
"Don’t worry, it’s ok, you're in the Nationwide."
Ferguson replies, "F**k me, is it May already?"
o What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain?
Gifted.
________________________________________
Funny Football Joke #2:
o How many Man United fans does it take to change a light bulb?
560,001. That is 1 to change it, 60,000 to say they've been changing it for years and 500,000 to buy the replica kit.
o Michael Barrymore has offered Manchester United £1 million pounds to play as their striker because he wants 10 pricks behind him and 67,000 assholes jumping up and down.
o What do Manchester fans use as birth control?
Their personalities.
o What do Beckham and Posh Spice both have in common?
Both are f**ing bad singers!!!
o How many Man U supporters does it take to stop a moving Bus?
Never enough.
o What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?
God doesn't think he's Alex Ferguson.
o What do you call a Mancunian with no arms and legs?
Trustworthy.
________________________________________
Funny Football Joke #3:
o What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Man Utd. Fan?
Skid marks in front of the dog.
o What's the difference between a Man-U fan and a Vibrator?
A Man U fan is a real dick
o Why can't you get a cup of tea at Old Trafford?
All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Highbury.
o David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happily...
Posh asks him “why he’s celebrating?”
He answers...
"Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."
o "And that's good?" asks Posh.
"You bet Hon" says David."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."
o What would David Beckham's name be if he was a Spice Girl?
Waste of Spice
o David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank...
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist...
"Have you donated before?”
"Yes" replies Beckham
"You should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist...
"But I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham
The receptionist replies...
"Well David, it says on your record that you're a useless wanker...."
________________________________________
Funny Football Joke #4:
o David Beckham walks into a pub.
The landlord says...
'A pint of your usual, David?'
Beckham replies...
'No, just a half, then I'm off'
o It’s the year 2019 and Romeo Beckham is about to sign professional terms with Manchester United.
Pondering the situation, he asks his Father...
"What squad number should I ask for dad?"
David thinks for a moment and says...
"Wear four out there Romeo"
o What do Barry Manilow and David Beckham have in common?
They are both f***ing useless singers.
o Why is David Beckham like a Ferrari Roche?
They both come in a posh box
o What's the difference between David Beckham and Posh?
Posh Spice doesn't kick back when she's taken from behind.
o What do David Beckham and British rail trains have in common?
They both go in and out of Victoria
o What do the England football team and Posh Spice both have in common?
They've both been screwed by David Beckham.
________________________________________
Funny Football Joke #5:
o Why did Posh Spice marry David Beckham?
Because he's the only fella who can lob Seaman at 60 yards!
o David Beckham has gone crazy believing Posh has been having an affair on him. In manic rage, he goes out and buys a gun. He rushes home to confront his wife, and finds her in bed with none other than Rudd Van Nistelroy. Devastated, Beckham takes out the gun and points it at his own head...
"No, David don't do it.!" Posh cries jumping up from her spot underneath the covers....
"I'm sorry and I know we can work this out."
"Shut up and sit back Victoria." Beckham replies.
"You're next."
o Every time Big Roger attends a Chelsea game he books 2 seats...
One to sit in, the other to throw when the fighting starts.
o Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read...
"Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan."
So, one of them asked the other...
"When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?"
o Two Chelsea fans jump off a cliff. Which one hits the ground first?.
Who gives a F**K!
o What do you get when you cross a Chelsea Fan with a pig?
I don't know, there are some things a pig just won't do.
o What do you call a Chelsea fan on the moon?
A Problem.
________________________________________
Funny Football Joke #6:
o What do you call 100 Chelsea fans on the moon?
An even bigger problem.
o What do you call all the Chelsea fans on the moon?
Problem solved
o How do you define 144 Chelsea fans
Gross Stupidity
o Why did Chelsea go on the stock exchange?
To prove that crap can float.
o What is the difference between Gianfranco Zola and a mini?
A mini can only carry three passengers.
o Why do Chelsea fans whistle whilst sitting on the toilet?
So they know which end to wipe!
o I've heard that Stamford Park has arguably the best pitch in the Premiership.
Well... not entirely surprising considering all the sh*t that has been on there.
o What's the difference between a Chelsea supporter and an Onion?
No one cries when you chop up a Chelsea fan!
________________________________________
Funny Football Joke #7:
o What do Chelsea keepers and Singer Michael Jackson both have in common?
Both wear gloves for no apparent reason.
o What does Claudi Ranieri say when Chelsea score?
Fantastic!!! Now let us try to get goal at other end of pitch.
o Two Gunners fans are on the plane on the way to Holland.
One turns to the other and says...
"Hey Arthur! See if this plane turns upside-down... will we fall out?"
"No way Richard," says his mate...
"Of course we'll still be pals!!"
o You're trapped in a room with a Lion, Cobra snake and an Arsenal Fan.
You have a gun with two bullets... What should you do?
Shoot the Arsenal Fan Twice!!!
o What is the difference between Arsenal and a cup of tea?
The tea stays in the cup longer!
o What do you call an Arsenal fan in a suit?
The accused.
FUNNY CAT JOKES
Funny Cat Joke #1:
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."
Funny Cat Joke #2:
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven. There he meets the Lord himself.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him in a deep sleep on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you arrived?"
The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending by are theeeeeeee best!!!"
The Lord ................ ???#@!!@#!#$!#$!@#%!%!#$@#
Funny Cat Joke #3:
A mother cat was teaching her kitten cat lore. She explained that this was the duty of all mother cats since before recorded history and it was important that her kitten would not do anything to embarrass her when she allowed her master to play with her.
At the end of the lesson, after she had gone over all the cat rules such as ignoring anything the human might say, she asked her kitten if there was question she might want to ask.
The kitten said, "Momma, you have given me all the situations a cat might get into and the proper cat-responses but, what should I do if a new situation comes up that you haven't covered?"
Momma cat responded, "Oh my gosh! I'm SO glad you asked that. I've gotten into so many rules that I forgot the most important first rule!"
Kitten asked: "What is that, Momma?"
Momma drew up and looked kitten right in the eye and said: "When in doubt -- wash!"
Funny Cat Joke #4:
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table.
The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis,
thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$350."
"$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $300 was for the cat scan."
Funny Cat Joke #5:
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc....
The taxi arrives and as the couple go out the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver, ....
"He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab: "Sorry I took so long," he says,
"stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
The taxi driver....... ???!!!!@#!@!~#$!#$%!@
Funny Cat Joke #6:
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
He set a new lap record.
Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool?
She had mittens.
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat?
A peeping tom.
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.
What is a cat's favourite song?
Three Blind Mice.
What is a cat's way of keeping law & order?
Claw Enforcement.
How did a cat take first prize at the bird show?
He just jumped up to the cage, reached in, and took it.
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
Why did the litter of communist kittens become capitalists?
Because they finally opened their eyes.
Why are cats better than babies?
Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.
What is the name of the unauthorized autobiography of the cat?
Hiss and Tell.
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."
Funny Cat Joke #2:
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven. There he meets the Lord himself.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him in a deep sleep on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you arrived?"
The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending by are theeeeeeee best!!!"
The Lord ................ ???#@!!@#!#$!#$!@#%!%!#$@#
Funny Cat Joke #3:
A mother cat was teaching her kitten cat lore. She explained that this was the duty of all mother cats since before recorded history and it was important that her kitten would not do anything to embarrass her when she allowed her master to play with her.
At the end of the lesson, after she had gone over all the cat rules such as ignoring anything the human might say, she asked her kitten if there was question she might want to ask.
The kitten said, "Momma, you have given me all the situations a cat might get into and the proper cat-responses but, what should I do if a new situation comes up that you haven't covered?"
Momma cat responded, "Oh my gosh! I'm SO glad you asked that. I've gotten into so many rules that I forgot the most important first rule!"
Kitten asked: "What is that, Momma?"
Momma drew up and looked kitten right in the eye and said: "When in doubt -- wash!"
Funny Cat Joke #4:
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table.
The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis,
thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$350."
"$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $300 was for the cat scan."
Funny Cat Joke #5:
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc....
The taxi arrives and as the couple go out the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver, ....
"He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab: "Sorry I took so long," he says,
"stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
The taxi driver....... ???!!!!@#!@!~#$!#$%!@
Funny Cat Joke #6:
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
He set a new lap record.
Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool?
She had mittens.
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat?
A peeping tom.
Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.
What is a cat's favourite song?
Three Blind Mice.
What is a cat's way of keeping law & order?
Claw Enforcement.
How did a cat take first prize at the bird show?
He just jumped up to the cage, reached in, and took it.
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
Why did the litter of communist kittens become capitalists?
Because they finally opened their eyes.
Why are cats better than babies?
Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.
What is the name of the unauthorized autobiography of the cat?
Hiss and Tell.
FUNNY GIRLS JOKES
Funny Girls Joke #1:
"My husband claims to be a great sexual athlete, just because he always comes first."
(Ellie Lane)
"The emotional, sexual, and psychological stereotyping of females begins when the doctor says: 'It's a girl.'"
(Shirley Chisholm)
"A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after."
(Gloria Steinem)
"A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times."
(Sanskrit proverb)
Funny Girls Joke #2:
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her...
"If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said...
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that what ever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said...
"That would be okay,"
and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her...
"You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock too."
The woman replied...
"That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM ... she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said...
"That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said...
"That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM... she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered...
"I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: “Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.”
Funny Girls Joke #3:
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically...
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Funny Girls Joke #4:
o Why do men become smarter during sex?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
o Why don't women blink during foreplay?
(they don't have enough time)
o Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
o Why did god put men on earth?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
o Why don't women have men's brains?
(because they don't have penises to put them in)
Funny Girls Joke #5:
o What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
(they're intended for children, but men usually play with them)
o Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
(because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock)
o Why do men masturbate?
(it is sex with someone they love)
o Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.)
o Why did god make men before women?
(you need a rough draft before you make the perfect final copy)
o Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
(so he can tell if he's coming or going)
o How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down?
(it's never happened)
Funny Girls Joke #6:
Male language dictionary
o I am hungry : I am hungry
o I am sleepy : I am sleepy
o I am tired : I am tired
o Nice dress : Nice cleavage!
o I love you : Let's have sex now
o I am bored : Can we have sex now?
o May I have this dance? : I'd like to have sex with you
o Can I call you sometime? : I'd like to have sex with you
o Do you want to go to a movie? : I'd like to have sex with you
o Can I take you out to dinner? : I'd like to have sex with you
o I don't think those shoes go with that outfit : I'm gay
Funny Girls Joke #7:
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard...
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" the man replies.
"Can you get him for me?" she asks.
"I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message"...
she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies toilet".
Funny Girls Joke #8:
How to speak about women and be politically correct:
o She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
o She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
o She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
o She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
o She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
o She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
o She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
o She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
o She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
o She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
o She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
Funny Girls Joke #9:
o What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman is easier to make...
“cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its bollocks.”
o What's the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman?
“Snowballs.”
o What's the difference between a man and ET?
“ET phoned home.”
o What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
“Men always miss them.”
o Why do men have a hole in their penis?
“So oxygen can get to their brains.”
o Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
“When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.”
o What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
“The man.”
"My husband claims to be a great sexual athlete, just because he always comes first."
(Ellie Lane)
"The emotional, sexual, and psychological stereotyping of females begins when the doctor says: 'It's a girl.'"
(Shirley Chisholm)
"A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after."
(Gloria Steinem)
"A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times."
(Sanskrit proverb)
Funny Girls Joke #2:
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her...
"If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said...
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that what ever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said...
"That would be okay,"
and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her...
"You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock too."
The woman replied...
"That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM ... she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said...
"That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said...
"That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM... she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered...
"I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: “Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.”
Funny Girls Joke #3:
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically...
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Funny Girls Joke #4:
o Why do men become smarter during sex?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
o Why don't women blink during foreplay?
(they don't have enough time)
o Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
o Why did god put men on earth?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
o Why don't women have men's brains?
(because they don't have penises to put them in)
Funny Girls Joke #5:
o What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
(they're intended for children, but men usually play with them)
o Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
(because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock)
o Why do men masturbate?
(it is sex with someone they love)
o Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.)
o Why did god make men before women?
(you need a rough draft before you make the perfect final copy)
o Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
(so he can tell if he's coming or going)
o How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down?
(it's never happened)
Funny Girls Joke #6:
Male language dictionary
o I am hungry : I am hungry
o I am sleepy : I am sleepy
o I am tired : I am tired
o Nice dress : Nice cleavage!
o I love you : Let's have sex now
o I am bored : Can we have sex now?
o May I have this dance? : I'd like to have sex with you
o Can I call you sometime? : I'd like to have sex with you
o Do you want to go to a movie? : I'd like to have sex with you
o Can I take you out to dinner? : I'd like to have sex with you
o I don't think those shoes go with that outfit : I'm gay
Funny Girls Joke #7:
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard...
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" the man replies.
"Can you get him for me?" she asks.
"I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message"...
she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies toilet".
Funny Girls Joke #8:
How to speak about women and be politically correct:
o She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
o She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
o She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
o She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
o She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
o She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
o She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
o She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
o She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
o She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
o She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
Funny Girls Joke #9:
o What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman is easier to make...
“cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its bollocks.”
o What's the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman?
“Snowballs.”
o What's the difference between a man and ET?
“ET phoned home.”
o What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
“Men always miss them.”
o Why do men have a hole in their penis?
“So oxygen can get to their brains.”
o Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
“When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.”
o What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
“The man.”
VALENTINE SMS AND MESSAGES
Trip over love, you can get up. Fall in love and you fall forever.
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind
The lover is a monotheist who knows that other people worship different
gods but cannot himself imagine that there could be other Gods.
We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find
someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them
and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.
Love helps us to communicate with God
Sometimes we make love with our eyes.
Love is like a butterfly. It goes where it pleases and it pleases where
it goes.
Love is like a fire. Whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn
your house down, you'll never know.
Draw a circle, not a heart, around the one you love because a heart can
break but a circle goes on forever.
Valentine's Day is a day to express your feelings and renew the bond of
love you share with your Valentine. To make this Valentine Day
memorable for your beloved declare your love to the world by sending a
cute and heartfelt Valentine's Day message to us!! We will carry your
message along with your name in this page dedicated to lovers and their
messages.
LOVE
I am so happy to share with you my first valentine's day, I am sure
without you my love is tasteless, I am yours and only yours. When I am
with you there is no need of any other person or anything, I believe
you are my life, I love you Mamica.
Dear
I LOVE YOU. I hope to give you reasons to live for tomorrow and
forever, I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.You are my Valentine not just on the
14th of the second month of each year but throughout the life.
Dear
I thank God and you for the privilege of having you in my life. You are
so special to me and this day and everyday i want you to know how much
i need and want you in my life. God will bring everything together. I
love you.
My Soldier
I love you, 100 times.
I miss you 2,000 times .
I want to be with you always and forever!!
I love you 1 in a million times of each day.
I want to make you mine.
I love you for you and only.
I mean every word!
I think about you more and more every 24hrs and 7days a week.
My heart bleeds for you .
My tears fall for you cause I'm lonely.
Many times I think of the day that you say those 4 words .
In the days that you are away it's how many times I say I LOVE YOU AND
TRULY WANT U.
I miss you even 365 days of the year.
Sweetie just know that I really, truly & madly love you.
COME HOME SOON.
Love
Dear
Happy Valentines Day!
Or should I say talentines again, I don’t know!! I just want you to
know that you make me feel like it's Valentines Day 365 days a year.
The presents are just for fun. Past 3 years have been great. I hope we
have many more to come. I want you to always be my Valentine, today and
forever. I love you more than anything.
Dear
I really like you and we should get 2 no each even better!!
Happy Valentines Day !!!
Wish you a very Happy Valentine's Day. This message is to let you know
that you are thought of always. May God give you everything you wish
for. My heart will pray for you, for your happiness wherever you are.
Jill my love, you are all I need.
Jill my love, I will die for thee.
Jill my love, your what I've been waiting for.
Jill my love, I love you more and more.
HAPPY VALENTINE DAY
jaan,
You are the world to me. U make my life totally complete. They say that
absence from those whom we love is worse than death, but I feel that in
absence we realize how strong our love is. I feel so complete with you
and as you have always told me that 'if our love is true, God will
surely show us the way'. I love you with every beat of my heart. Happy
Valentines Day!!!
Love u
Each day your smile becomes my morning star,
I look at you & then my feelings shine,
From you I learn far more than words or numbers,
You're the book that someday will be mine.
You're the one whose love my love of learning,
Will one day trace in its ancestral line,
For all the ways you help me grow towards beauty,
I ask you please to by my valentine.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY-2009
Mi,
Happy Valentines Day!
I´ve enjoyed singing stupid songs with you, boys and specially with
Perebis! Good luck at this day.
Big Kiss
Fê
Fe,
Happy valentine´s Day!
I love doing Cambridge with you. Our presentation was the best. I hope
everything with boys goes fine. Kisses
Mi
If I never met you, I wouldn't like u.
If I never like you i wouldn't love you.
If I wouldn't love you I wouldn't miss you.
but... I did ,, I do ,, I will.
Jaan,
U r a world to me. U make my life so complete...They say that absence
from those whom we love is worse than death.. but i feel that in
absence we realise how strong our love is. I feel so complete with
you..and as u have always told me that if our love is true.. God will
surely show us a way... I love u with every beat of my heart...Happy
Valentines Day!!!
Love u Hamesha...
Hi Sweetu,
I wanna tell you that u r my life. I love you from bottom of my heart.
I can't stay without you. U r my Valentine.
To My Wife that is My Life...
I just want to say that I Love You A lot and I`m Missing You...But i
promise that we`ll celebrate this day with lots of love and
happiness....
I just want you to know you are my sun, my love, my angel... you have
brought too much joy to my life... you make me a better person... you
made me discover the real sense of love.. the true love...
Je T`Aime Tres Fort Mon Petit Amour
Happy Valentine's Day
To my sweetest darling
Thanks for making my life so beautiful and colorful!!
Always remember I Love U the Most!
Only your's
To the one I love.
Only God knows how much I love you. I wish we could be together again
because I miss you so much. I love you. Hope you feel the same way too.
Hi dear
How are you? I'm missing you so much. Happy Valentines Day to you dear.
Thank you for being the wings beneath my feet. I will always love you.
I love you unconditionally and will never let you go. You are my
noenoe, my love, my darling, my heart & my everything. Lets be together
always. I love you.
If I never met you, I wouldn't like you. If I didn't like you, I would
not love you. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't miss you. But I did, I
do and I will.
Roses are red, violets are purple & honey is sweet.
You are nice, cute, handsome and a kind person to chat on always. Hope
you like this. Wish you a nice and Happy Valentines Day. I'll only
think about you on this special occasion of love.
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind
The lover is a monotheist who knows that other people worship different
gods but cannot himself imagine that there could be other Gods.
We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find
someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them
and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.
Love helps us to communicate with God
Sometimes we make love with our eyes.
Love is like a butterfly. It goes where it pleases and it pleases where
it goes.
Love is like a fire. Whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn
your house down, you'll never know.
Draw a circle, not a heart, around the one you love because a heart can
break but a circle goes on forever.
Valentine's Day is a day to express your feelings and renew the bond of
love you share with your Valentine. To make this Valentine Day
memorable for your beloved declare your love to the world by sending a
cute and heartfelt Valentine's Day message to us!! We will carry your
message along with your name in this page dedicated to lovers and their
messages.
LOVE
I am so happy to share with you my first valentine's day, I am sure
without you my love is tasteless, I am yours and only yours. When I am
with you there is no need of any other person or anything, I believe
you are my life, I love you Mamica.
Dear
I LOVE YOU. I hope to give you reasons to live for tomorrow and
forever, I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.You are my Valentine not just on the
14th of the second month of each year but throughout the life.
Dear
I thank God and you for the privilege of having you in my life. You are
so special to me and this day and everyday i want you to know how much
i need and want you in my life. God will bring everything together. I
love you.
My Soldier
I love you, 100 times.
I miss you 2,000 times .
I want to be with you always and forever!!
I love you 1 in a million times of each day.
I want to make you mine.
I love you for you and only.
I mean every word!
I think about you more and more every 24hrs and 7days a week.
My heart bleeds for you .
My tears fall for you cause I'm lonely.
Many times I think of the day that you say those 4 words .
In the days that you are away it's how many times I say I LOVE YOU AND
TRULY WANT U.
I miss you even 365 days of the year.
Sweetie just know that I really, truly & madly love you.
COME HOME SOON.
Love
Dear
Happy Valentines Day!
Or should I say talentines again, I don’t know!! I just want you to
know that you make me feel like it's Valentines Day 365 days a year.
The presents are just for fun. Past 3 years have been great. I hope we
have many more to come. I want you to always be my Valentine, today and
forever. I love you more than anything.
Dear
I really like you and we should get 2 no each even better!!
Happy Valentines Day !!!
Wish you a very Happy Valentine's Day. This message is to let you know
that you are thought of always. May God give you everything you wish
for. My heart will pray for you, for your happiness wherever you are.
Jill my love, you are all I need.
Jill my love, I will die for thee.
Jill my love, your what I've been waiting for.
Jill my love, I love you more and more.
HAPPY VALENTINE DAY
jaan,
You are the world to me. U make my life totally complete. They say that
absence from those whom we love is worse than death, but I feel that in
absence we realize how strong our love is. I feel so complete with you
and as you have always told me that 'if our love is true, God will
surely show us the way'. I love you with every beat of my heart. Happy
Valentines Day!!!
Love u
Each day your smile becomes my morning star,
I look at you & then my feelings shine,
From you I learn far more than words or numbers,
You're the book that someday will be mine.
You're the one whose love my love of learning,
Will one day trace in its ancestral line,
For all the ways you help me grow towards beauty,
I ask you please to by my valentine.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY-2009
Mi,
Happy Valentines Day!
I´ve enjoyed singing stupid songs with you, boys and specially with
Perebis! Good luck at this day.
Big Kiss
Fê
Fe,
Happy valentine´s Day!
I love doing Cambridge with you. Our presentation was the best. I hope
everything with boys goes fine. Kisses
Mi
If I never met you, I wouldn't like u.
If I never like you i wouldn't love you.
If I wouldn't love you I wouldn't miss you.
but... I did ,, I do ,, I will.
Jaan,
U r a world to me. U make my life so complete...They say that absence
from those whom we love is worse than death.. but i feel that in
absence we realise how strong our love is. I feel so complete with
you..and as u have always told me that if our love is true.. God will
surely show us a way... I love u with every beat of my heart...Happy
Valentines Day!!!
Love u Hamesha...
Hi Sweetu,
I wanna tell you that u r my life. I love you from bottom of my heart.
I can't stay without you. U r my Valentine.
To My Wife that is My Life...
I just want to say that I Love You A lot and I`m Missing You...But i
promise that we`ll celebrate this day with lots of love and
happiness....
I just want you to know you are my sun, my love, my angel... you have
brought too much joy to my life... you make me a better person... you
made me discover the real sense of love.. the true love...
Je T`Aime Tres Fort Mon Petit Amour
Happy Valentine's Day
To my sweetest darling
Thanks for making my life so beautiful and colorful!!
Always remember I Love U the Most!
Only your's
To the one I love.
Only God knows how much I love you. I wish we could be together again
because I miss you so much. I love you. Hope you feel the same way too.
Hi dear
How are you? I'm missing you so much. Happy Valentines Day to you dear.
Thank you for being the wings beneath my feet. I will always love you.
I love you unconditionally and will never let you go. You are my
noenoe, my love, my darling, my heart & my everything. Lets be together
always. I love you.
If I never met you, I wouldn't like you. If I didn't like you, I would
not love you. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't miss you. But I did, I
do and I will.
Roses are red, violets are purple & honey is sweet.
You are nice, cute, handsome and a kind person to chat on always. Hope
you like this. Wish you a nice and Happy Valentines Day. I'll only
think about you on this special occasion of love.
WISDOM SMS AND JOKES
Wisdom Messages
?A smile is a curve that can.Straighten out a lot of things.
?life is short! if you dont look around once in a while you might miss
it
?Those who are afraid to fall, will never fly
?Love ur enemys... It really ticks them off
?If you don't Stand for Something.You will Fall for Everything
?da poorest man on earth is not da 1 without money, but is da 1 without
a dream
?To the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the
world
?It's better to be hated for who you are than loved for what your not
?Be yourself, there are enough other people
?dont frown,you never know whos falling in love with ur smile
?if u can stay calm while every1 else is goin mad ... u probably havnt
completely understood the situation!
?FRIENDS are like stars…you do not ALWAYS SEE them but you know they
are always there!..
?A Person Who Asks A Question Is A Fool For Five Minutes. A Person Who
Doesn't Is A Fool Forever
?Dont b afraid 2 expose yourself.Reach out and tell sum1 wot they mean
2 u coz when u decide its the right time it might b 2 late!
?Sumtimes its harder 2 say no wen u really mean yes.Its hard 2 close ur
eyes wen u really want 2 see.But the hardest thing 2 do is to let go
wen u want to stay
?What do you do when the only person who can stop you crying, is the
person who makes you cry in the first place?
?You might regret what you do- but you'll you regret what you don't do
SO much more
?2 let go doesnt mean 2 stop carin.2 let go is to learn theres sumthin
beyond.2 let go means acceptin reality.2 let go is lovin more coz u
only want the best.
?If you are the flame you can't be burned
?Yesterday is history tomorrow is a mystery.today is a gift that is why
we call it the present!
?Intelligence is like a river. The deeper it is the less noise it makes
?The virtue of love isnt finding the perfect person, but by loving the
imperfect person perfectly.
?If love isnt a game then why are there so many players?
?u luv coz u weep.u weep coz u hurt.u hurt coz u fail.u fail coz u
try.u try coz u need.u need coz u want.u want coz u feel.u feel coz u
live.u live coz u luv
?have u eva notcied a heart is two upside down teardrops
?they say true love is just round the corner i must be walking in
circles
?Luv is like a glass. If u break it, it’s hard to fix, And even if you
manage that , it’ll never be the same.
?People say dat wen luv comes knocking on ur door let it in.But
sumtimes luv comes through a backdoor & by the time u notice its on its
way out.
?God gave u 2 legs to walk.2 hands to hold.2 ears to hear.2 eyes to
see.But why did he giv u only 1 Heart? Probably because He wants you to
look for the other
?Some thoughts are better kept unsaid.some feelings are better kept to
urself.because love has its way of expressing itself despite the
silence.
?True love doesnt have a happy ending.True love doesnt have an ending!
?Love is like a rose it blossoms then dies.
?Dont find love.let love find you.That's why it's called falling in
love coz you dont force yourself to fall- you just do!
?If you want me to fall for you- you have to give me something worth
tripping over.
?love is not how u 4get but how u forgive.not how u listen but how u
understand.not what u see but what u feel & not how u let go but how u
hold on.
?Love is like quicksand the deeper you fall in the harder it is to get
out
?Looks may capture the eyes but it's the personality that captures the heart
?love can sometimes be magic- but magic can sometimes be an ILLUSION!
?*In Reality*…. The Player Isn't Actually Playing The Other Person...He's Playing Himself...
?You can close your eyes to things you dont want to see.but u cant close your heart to things you dont want to feel.
?the hardest thing to do is to watch the one you love. love somebofy else
?People Fall in love not knowin y nor how.Its so special a feelin dat it doesnt require much answers.U just love no matter how stupid u become.
?Children playin outside cars can cause accidents.but adults playin inside cars can cause children by accident!
?Boys should tell their trousers that it ‘s rude to point ?be careful when a guy tells u that he loves u from the bottom of his heart.for this may mean that there is still enough space for another girl on top
?Be friendly to your children as they are the ones that decide where you live when your are old.
?When you finally find the perfect guy you think to yourself why isn't he taken?
?boys r like mascara, dey run on da first sign of emotion
?while w8ing 4 d right person 2 come- play & hav fun with d wrong 1.but b careful with who u play with bcoz dat person mite b d right 1 all along
?If you fool me once shame on you.If you fool me twice shame on me. ?
Guys are like roses- watch out for the pricks
?A smile is a curve that can.Straighten out a lot of things.
?life is short! if you dont look around once in a while you might miss
it
?Those who are afraid to fall, will never fly
?Love ur enemys... It really ticks them off
?If you don't Stand for Something.You will Fall for Everything
?da poorest man on earth is not da 1 without money, but is da 1 without
a dream
?To the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the
world
?It's better to be hated for who you are than loved for what your not
?Be yourself, there are enough other people
?dont frown,you never know whos falling in love with ur smile
?if u can stay calm while every1 else is goin mad ... u probably havnt
completely understood the situation!
?FRIENDS are like stars…you do not ALWAYS SEE them but you know they
are always there!..
?A Person Who Asks A Question Is A Fool For Five Minutes. A Person Who
Doesn't Is A Fool Forever
?Dont b afraid 2 expose yourself.Reach out and tell sum1 wot they mean
2 u coz when u decide its the right time it might b 2 late!
?Sumtimes its harder 2 say no wen u really mean yes.Its hard 2 close ur
eyes wen u really want 2 see.But the hardest thing 2 do is to let go
wen u want to stay
?What do you do when the only person who can stop you crying, is the
person who makes you cry in the first place?
?You might regret what you do- but you'll you regret what you don't do
SO much more
?2 let go doesnt mean 2 stop carin.2 let go is to learn theres sumthin
beyond.2 let go means acceptin reality.2 let go is lovin more coz u
only want the best.
?If you are the flame you can't be burned
?Yesterday is history tomorrow is a mystery.today is a gift that is why
we call it the present!
?Intelligence is like a river. The deeper it is the less noise it makes
?The virtue of love isnt finding the perfect person, but by loving the
imperfect person perfectly.
?If love isnt a game then why are there so many players?
?u luv coz u weep.u weep coz u hurt.u hurt coz u fail.u fail coz u
try.u try coz u need.u need coz u want.u want coz u feel.u feel coz u
live.u live coz u luv
?have u eva notcied a heart is two upside down teardrops
?they say true love is just round the corner i must be walking in
circles
?Luv is like a glass. If u break it, it’s hard to fix, And even if you
manage that , it’ll never be the same.
?People say dat wen luv comes knocking on ur door let it in.But
sumtimes luv comes through a backdoor & by the time u notice its on its
way out.
?God gave u 2 legs to walk.2 hands to hold.2 ears to hear.2 eyes to
see.But why did he giv u only 1 Heart? Probably because He wants you to
look for the other
?Some thoughts are better kept unsaid.some feelings are better kept to
urself.because love has its way of expressing itself despite the
silence.
?True love doesnt have a happy ending.True love doesnt have an ending!
?Love is like a rose it blossoms then dies.
?Dont find love.let love find you.That's why it's called falling in
love coz you dont force yourself to fall- you just do!
?If you want me to fall for you- you have to give me something worth
tripping over.
?love is not how u 4get but how u forgive.not how u listen but how u
understand.not what u see but what u feel & not how u let go but how u
hold on.
?Love is like quicksand the deeper you fall in the harder it is to get
out
?Looks may capture the eyes but it's the personality that captures the heart
?love can sometimes be magic- but magic can sometimes be an ILLUSION!
?*In Reality*…. The Player Isn't Actually Playing The Other Person...He's Playing Himself...
?You can close your eyes to things you dont want to see.but u cant close your heart to things you dont want to feel.
?the hardest thing to do is to watch the one you love. love somebofy else
?People Fall in love not knowin y nor how.Its so special a feelin dat it doesnt require much answers.U just love no matter how stupid u become.
?Children playin outside cars can cause accidents.but adults playin inside cars can cause children by accident!
?Boys should tell their trousers that it ‘s rude to point ?be careful when a guy tells u that he loves u from the bottom of his heart.for this may mean that there is still enough space for another girl on top
?Be friendly to your children as they are the ones that decide where you live when your are old.
?When you finally find the perfect guy you think to yourself why isn't he taken?
?boys r like mascara, dey run on da first sign of emotion
?while w8ing 4 d right person 2 come- play & hav fun with d wrong 1.but b careful with who u play with bcoz dat person mite b d right 1 all along
?If you fool me once shame on you.If you fool me twice shame on me. ?
Guys are like roses- watch out for the pricks
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