-Doctor, Doctor, I tend to flush a lot! Don’t worry it’s just a chain
reaction
-Why was the centipede dropped from the football team?
He took too long to put his boots on!
What do whales eat?
Fish & ships
Why did the boy go to bed?
‘Cos the bed wouldn’t come to him!
What is a parrot’s favourite game?
Hide and speak!
Why did the dog chase his own tail?
He was trying to make both ends meet!
Why was the tomato last in the race?
It couldn’t ketchup!
Why did the tap dancer retire?
He kept falling in the sink!
Which word in the dictionary is spelled incorrectly?
Incorrectly!
What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish!
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant!
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater!
How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
Pleased to eat you
What do cats read in the morning?
Mewspapers
What do you call a cat wearing shoes?
Puss in boots
What does a bee get at McDonalds?
A humburger!
What buzzes, is black and yellow and goes along the bottom of the sea?
A bee in a submarine!
What did the spider say to the bee?
Your honey or your life!
What did one bee say to another in summer?
Swarm here isn’t it!
Where do bees go on holiday?
Stingapore!
Why did the turtle cross the road
To get to the Shell station
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An egg roll!
What kind of dog chases anything red?
A Bull dog!
What do you get if you cross a computer and a Rottweiler?
A computer with lots of bites
What dog loves to take a bubble bath?
A Shampoodle!
Why do elephants eat raw food?
Because they don’t know how to cook!
What’s grey with red spots
An elephant with measles
What do you call an elephant at the North Pole?
Lost!
Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
So he could hide in the cherry tree!
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia! Boing Boing
What do you call an arctic cow?
An eskimoo!
What is a cow’s favourite TV show?
Dr. Moo!
What goes ‘peck, bank, bang, peck, bank’?
A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons!
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish!
What kind of fish goes well with ice-cream?
Jellyfish!
Why is a fish easy to weigh?
Because it has its own scales!
Why are fish boots the warmest ones to wear?
Because they have electric ‘eels!
What insect runs away from everything?
A Flee!
How do you start an insect race?
One, two, flea – go!
How do fleas travel?
Itch hiking!
What is a grasshopper!
An insect on a pogo stick
What is green and can jump a mile in a minute?
A grasshopper with hiccups!
What is green, sooty and whistles when it rubs its back legs together?
Chimney Cricket!
What do moths learn at school?
Mothmatics!
What are crisp, like milk and go ‘eek, eek, eek’ when you eat them?
Mice krispies!
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A Mouseketeer!
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer?
Mice cubes!
What do mice do when they’re at home?
Mousework!
What’s a frogs favourite game?
It’s croak-et!
What’s a frogs favourite flower?
A croakus!
What did the bus conductor say to the frog?
Hop on!
What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole!
What do you call a girl with a frog in her hair?
Lily!
What do Scottish toads play?
Hop-scotch!
How do snails get their shells so shiny?
They use snail varnish!
Why is the snail the strongest animal?
Because he carries a house on his back!
What do you call a big Irish spider?
Paddy long legs?
What does a spider do when he gets angry?
He goes up the wall!
Why did the sparrow go to the library?
It was looking for bookworms!
Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil till I get there!
Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a bell
Take these, and if it doesn’t help give me a ring!
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep.
That’s baaaaaaaaaaaad!
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee.
Well buzz off I’m busy!
Doctor, Doctor I feel like an apple
We must get to the core of this!
Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a snail
Don’t worry we’ll soon have you out of your shell!
What kind of food do maths teachers eat?
Square meals!
What do Gnomes do after school?
Gnomework!
How did your mum know you hadn’t washed your face?
I forgot to wet the soap!
Where do tadpoles change?
in a croakroom!
Why are goldfish red?
The water turns them rusty!
What is the best hand to write with?
Neither – it’s best to write with a pen!
What does Mini mum meant?
A very small mum!
What kind of biscuit would you find at the South Pole?
A penguin!
Where do snowmen go to dance?
A snowball
Why did the burglar take a shower?
He wanted to make a clean getaway
Why do polar bears have fur coats?
Because they would look silly in anoraks!
What is the one word a dog can say?
Bark
Knock, Knock Who’s there?
Boo / Boo Who? / Don’t cry its only a joke!
Why did the computer go to the doctors?
Because it had a virus!
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide!
What happened when the dog swallowed a firefly?
It barked with de-light!
Why do birds fly south in the winter?
Because it’s too far to walk!
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
Ouch!
What did one fish say to the other?
You keep your mouth closed and you won’t get caught!
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in schools!
What colour is a burp?
Burple!
What is black and white, white and black, black and white?
A zebra caught in a revolving door!
Why did the cook get arrested?
Because he beat up an egg.
What did the blanket say to the bed?
You are under cover!
What’s a snake’s favourite subject?
Hisssss – tory
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the ball?
Because he had no ‘body’ to go with!
What do you call a nervous celery stalk?
An edgy veggie!
What’s black and white and red all over?
A penguin with a rash!
What did the mayonnaise say to the fridge door?
Close the door, I’m dressing!
What are the best days in ‘Foodland’
Fry-days and Sundaes!
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze
What did the hedgehog say to the cactus?
Is that your mummy?
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite!
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick
What dog keeps the best time?
A watch dog!
What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
It let out a little wine!
Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing!
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little ‘boogey’ in it!
What did the water say to the boat?
Nothing, it just waved.
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
Dam!
What has 4 legs but can’t walk?
A table!
What did the ground say to the earthquake?
You crack me up.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck
Milk and quackers!
Why did the elephant eat the candle?
He wanted a light snack!
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 789!
Why did the biscuit go to the hospital?
Because it felt crummy!
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses!
What tests to witches have to pass?
Spell-ing tests!
Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Why is basketball such a messy sport?
Because you dribble on the floor!
What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
Spring time
What happens to cows during an earthquake?
They give milk shakes!
Where do cows go on holiday?
Moo York
What has one head, one foot and four legs?
A bed
Why did the birdie go to the hospital?
To get a tweetment
What do you call a cow eating grass in a paddock?
A lawn mooer
What gets bigger and bigger the more you take away from it?
A hole.
Why did the traffic light turn red?
You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
What did one lift say to the other lift?
I think I’m coming down with something.
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain?
Hi Cliff!
Why should you take a pencil to bed?
To draw the curtains.
What kind of button won’t unbutton?
A bellybutton.
What are two things you cannot have for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner.
What kind of shoes do all spies wear?
Sneakers.
What did one wall say to the other wall?
I’ll meet you at the corner.
What did the alien say to the garden?
Take me to your weeder.
How do footballers keep cool?
Sit next to their fans
What gets wetter the more it dries?
A towel.
Why was the maths book so sad?
Because it was full of problems.
How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut.
What do you do with a blue whale?
Try to cheer him up.
Where do sheep go to get their hair cut
To the Baa Baa shop.
Why can’t a leopard hide?
Because he’s always spotted.
What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
A sour puss.
Why does a hummingbird hum?
Because it doesn’t know the words.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of school.
What’s invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny farts.
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in?
A water bed.
Why was the broom late?
It over swept
What do you get when you put a fish and an elephant together?
Swimming trunks
What goes up when the rains comes down?
An umbrella
What did the big chimney say to the small chimney?
You are too little to smoke.
What do you call a doctor with 8 arms?
A Doctorpus
Why did the belt go to jail?
Because it held up a pair of pants
What did the stamp say to the envelope?
Stick with me and we’ll go places
What do computers do when they are hungry?
They eat chips.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers
Why did the balloon burst?
Because it saw a lolly pop
What flower grows on your face?
Tu-lips
What is a computers favourite dance?
Disk-o
Why did the computer squeak?
Because someone stepped on its mouse
Why do cows have bells?
Because their horns don’t work
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the leg of the chicken.
What did one egg say to the other egg?
Lets get cracking.
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jellybutton
What do you get if you cross a Cocker Spaniel with a Poodle and a
rooster?
A cockapoodledoo
What to you call a pig with 3 eyes?
A Piiig
Where to mermaids go to see movies?
A dive-in
What goes ‘tick, tick, woof, woof’
A watchdog
What did the digital watch say to the grandfather clock?
Look pop…. No hands
Why are pianos hard to open?
They keys are inside
What’s green and loud?
A froghorn
What’s a hedgehogs favourite food?
Prickled onions
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
I-don’t-think-he-saurus
What do pigs put on sore trotters?
Oinkment
What does a bee use to brush his hair?
A honeycomb
What do you get when you cross a cow with a rabbit?
Hair in your milk
Why couldn’t the flower ride his bike?
Because he lost his petals
What’s black and white and red all over?
A zebra with a sunburn
What did one plate say to the other?
Lunch is on me.
Why cant a bike stand up for itself?
Because it’s two tired.
What kind of coat goes on wet and never has buttons?
A coat of paint
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-Cola
What has four legs and goes “oom-oom”?
A cow walking backwards3
Where is the best place to have a bubble gum contents?
On a Choo-Choo train
What’s full of holes and still holds water?
A sponge
What do you call someone that keeps talking when no-one is listening?
A teacher
What did the mud say when it started to rain?
If this keeps up, my name is going to be mud.
What do you take off last before getting into bed?
Your feet off the floor
What did the chewing gum say to the shoe?
I’m stuck on you
What do you call a fairy who hasn’t taken a bath?
Stinkerbell
What do you call a scared dinosaur
A nervous-rex
Who granted the fish’s wish?
Fairy Cod-mother
What games do cows play at parties?
Moosical chairs
Sunday, February 1, 2009
FUNNY QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS JOKES AND SMS
Why was the centipede dropped from the football team? He took too long to put his boots on!
What do whales eat? Fish & ships
Why did the boy go to bed? ‘Cos the bed wouldn’t come to him!
What is a parrot’s favourite game? Hide and speak!
Why did the dog chase his own tail? He was trying to make both ends meet!
Why was the tomato last in the race? It couldn’t ketchup!
Why did the tap dancer retire? He kept falling in the sink!
Which word in the dictionary is spelled incorrectly? Incorrectly!
What’s the difference between a fish and a piano? You can’t tuna fish!
What do you call an ant who skips school? A truant!
What do you call a greedy ant? An anteater!
How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you
What do cats read in the morning? Mewspapers
What do you call a cat wearing shoes? Puss in boots
What does a bee get at McDonalds? A humburger!
What buzzes, is black and yellow and goes along the bottom of the sea? A bee in a submarine!
What did the spider say to the bee? Your honey or your life!
What did one bee say to another in summer? Swarm here isn’t it!
Where do bees go on holiday? Stingapore!
Why did the turtle cross the road To get to the Shell station
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon? They go on peck-nics
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!
What kind of dog chases anything red? A Bull dog!
What do you get if you cross a computer and a Rottweiler? A computer with lots of bites
What dog loves to take a bubble bath? A Shampoodle!
Why do elephants eat raw food? Because they don’t know how to cook!
What’s grey with red spots An elephant with measles
What do you call an elephant at the North Pole? Lost!
Why did the elephant paint his toenails red? So he could hide in the cherry tree!
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? Big holes all over Australia! Boing Boing
What do you call an arctic cow? An eskimoo!
What is a cow’s favourite TV show? Dr. Moo!
What goes ‘peck, bank, bang, peck, bank’? A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons!
What fish only swims at night? A starfish!
What kind of fish goes well with ice-cream? Jellyfish!
Why is a fish easy to weigh? Because it has its own scales!
Why are fish boots the warmest ones to wear? Because they have electric ‘eels!
What insect runs away from everything? A Flee!
How do you start an insect race? One, two, flea – go!
How doe fleas travel? Itch hiking!
What is a grasshopper! An insect on a pogo stick
What is green and can jump a mile in a minute? A grasshopper with hiccups!
What is green, sooty and whistles when it rubs its back legs together? Chimney Cricket!
What do moths learn at school? Mothmatics!
What are crisp, like milk and go ‘eek, eek, eek’ when you eat them? Mice krispies!
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights? A Mouseketeer!
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
What do mice do when they’re at home? Mousework!
What’s a frogs favourite game? It’s croak-et!
What’s a frogs favourite flower? A croakus!
What did the bus conductor say to the frog? Hop on!
What kind of pole is short and floppy? A tadpole!
What do you call a girl with a frog in her hair? Lily!
What do Scottish toads play? Hop-scotch!
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
What do you call a big Irish spider? Paddy long legs?
What does a spider do when he gets angry? He goes up the wall!
Why did the sparrow go to the library? It was looking for bookworms!
Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do? Use a pencil till I get there!
Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a bell Take these, and if it doesn’t help give me a ring!
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep. That’s baaaaaaaaaaaad!
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee. Well buzz off I’m busy!
Doctor, Doctor I feel like an apple We must get to the core of this!
Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a snail Don’t worry we’ll soon have you out of your shell!
What kind of food do maths teachers eat? Square meals!
What do Gnomes do after school? Gnomework!
How did your mum know you hadn’t washed your face? I forgot to wet the soap!
Where do tadpoles change? in a croakroom!
Why are goldfish red? The water turns them rusty!
What is the best hand to write with? Neither – it’s best to write with a pen!
What does Mini mum meant? A very small mum!
What kind of biscuit would you find at the South Pole? A penguin!
Where do snowmen go to dance? A snowball
Why did the burglar take a shower? He wanted to make a clean getaway
Why do polar bears have fur coats? Because they would look silly in anoraks!
What is the one word a dog can say Bark
Knock, Knock Who’s there? Boo / Boo Who? / Don’t cry its only a joke!
Why did the computer go to the doctors? Because it had a virus!
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!
What happened when the dog swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
Why do birds fly south in the winter? Because it’s too far to walk!
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!
What did one fish say to the other? You keep your mouth closed and you won’t get caught!
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools!
What colour is a burp? Burple!
What is black and white, white and black, black and white? A zebra caught in a revolving door!
Why did the cook get arrested? Because he beat up an egg.
What did the blanket say to the bed? You are under cover!
What’s a snake’s favourite subject? Hisssss – tory
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the ball? Because he had no ‘body’ to go with!
What do you call a nervous celery stalk? An edgy veggie!
What’s black and white and red all over? A penguin with a rash!
What did the mayonnaise say to the fridge door? Close the door, I’m dressing!
What are the best days in ‘Foodland’ Fry-days and Sundaes!
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze
What did the hedgehog say to the cactus? Is that your mummy?
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!
What’s brown and sticky? A stick
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog!
What did the grape do when it got stepped on? It let out a little wine!
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little ‘boogey’ in it!
What did the water say to the boat? Nothing, it just waved.
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
What has 4 legs but can’t walk? A table!
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck Milk and quackers!
Why did the elephant eat the candle? He wanted a light snack!
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 789!
Why did the biscuit go to the hospital? Because it felt crummy!
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses!
What tests to witches have to pass? Spell-ing tests!
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Why is basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time
What happens to cows during an earthquake? They give milk shakes!
Where do cows go on holiday? Moo York
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A bed
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment
What do you call a cow eating grass in a paddock? A lawn mooer
What gets bigger and bigger the more you take away from it? A hole.
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
What did one lift say to the other lift? I think I’m coming down with something.
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff!
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains.
What kind of button won’t unbutton? A bellybutton.
What are two things you cannot have for breakfast? Lunch and dinner.
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
What did one wall say to the other wall? I’ll meet you at the corner.
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
How do footballers keep cool? Sit next to their fans
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
Why was the maths book so sad? Because it was full of problems.
How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut.
What do you do with a blue whale? Try to cheer him up.
Where do sheep go to get their hair cut To the Baa Baa shop.
Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss.
Why does a hummingbird hum? Because it doesn’t know the words.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school.
What’s invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny farts.
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water bed.
Why was the broom late? It over swept
What do you get when you put a fish and an elephant together? Swimming trunks
What goes up when the rains comes down? An umbrella
What did the big chimney say to the small chimney? You are too little to smoke.
What do you call a doctor with 8 arms? A Doctorpus
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we’ll go places
What do computers do when they are hungry? They eat chips.
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
Why did the balloon burst? Because it saw a lolly pop
What flower grows on your face? Tu-lips
What is a computers favourite dance? Disk-o
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse
Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work
Why did the chewing gum cross the road? It was stuck to the leg of the chicken.
What did one egg say to the other egg? Lets get cracking.
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish? A jellybutton
What do you get if you cross a Cocker Spaniel with a Poodle and a rooster? A cockapoodledoo
What to you call a pig with 3 eyes? A Piiig
Where to mermaids go to see movies? A dive-in
What goes ‘tick, tick, woof, woof’ A watchdog
What did the digital watch say to the grandfather clock? Look pop…. No hands
Why are pianos hard to open? They keys are inside
What’s green and loud? A froghorn
What’s a hedgehogs favourite food? Prickled onions
What do you call a blind dinosaur? I-don’t-think-he-saurus
What do pigs put on sore trotters? Oinkment
What does a bee use to brush his hair? A honeycomb
What do you get when you cross a cow with a rabbit? Hair in your milk
Why couldn’t the flower ride his bike? Because he lost his petals
What’s black and white and red all over? A zebra with a sunburn
What did one plate say to the other? Lunch is on me.
Why cant a bike stand up for itself? Because it’s two tired.
What kind of coat goes on wet and never has buttons? A coat of paint
What do frogs drink? Croak-a-Cola
What has four legs and goes “oom-oom”? A cow walking backwards
Where is the best place to have a bubble gum contents? On a Choo-Choo train
What’s full of holes and still holds water? A sponge
What do you call someone that keeps talking when no-one is listening? A teacher
What did the mud say when it started to rain? If this keeps up, my name is going to be mud.
What do you take off last before getting into bed? Your feet off the floor
What did the chewing gum say to the shoe? I’m stuck on you
What do you call a fairy who hasn’t taken a bath? Stinkerbell
What do you call a scared dinosaur A nervous-rex
Who granted the fish’s wish? Fairy Cod-mother
What games do cows play at parties? Moosical chairs
What do whales eat? Fish & ships
Why did the boy go to bed? ‘Cos the bed wouldn’t come to him!
What is a parrot’s favourite game? Hide and speak!
Why did the dog chase his own tail? He was trying to make both ends meet!
Why was the tomato last in the race? It couldn’t ketchup!
Why did the tap dancer retire? He kept falling in the sink!
Which word in the dictionary is spelled incorrectly? Incorrectly!
What’s the difference between a fish and a piano? You can’t tuna fish!
What do you call an ant who skips school? A truant!
What do you call a greedy ant? An anteater!
How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you
What do cats read in the morning? Mewspapers
What do you call a cat wearing shoes? Puss in boots
What does a bee get at McDonalds? A humburger!
What buzzes, is black and yellow and goes along the bottom of the sea? A bee in a submarine!
What did the spider say to the bee? Your honey or your life!
What did one bee say to another in summer? Swarm here isn’t it!
Where do bees go on holiday? Stingapore!
Why did the turtle cross the road To get to the Shell station
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon? They go on peck-nics
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!
What kind of dog chases anything red? A Bull dog!
What do you get if you cross a computer and a Rottweiler? A computer with lots of bites
What dog loves to take a bubble bath? A Shampoodle!
Why do elephants eat raw food? Because they don’t know how to cook!
What’s grey with red spots An elephant with measles
What do you call an elephant at the North Pole? Lost!
Why did the elephant paint his toenails red? So he could hide in the cherry tree!
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? Big holes all over Australia! Boing Boing
What do you call an arctic cow? An eskimoo!
What is a cow’s favourite TV show? Dr. Moo!
What goes ‘peck, bank, bang, peck, bank’? A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons!
What fish only swims at night? A starfish!
What kind of fish goes well with ice-cream? Jellyfish!
Why is a fish easy to weigh? Because it has its own scales!
Why are fish boots the warmest ones to wear? Because they have electric ‘eels!
What insect runs away from everything? A Flee!
How do you start an insect race? One, two, flea – go!
How doe fleas travel? Itch hiking!
What is a grasshopper! An insect on a pogo stick
What is green and can jump a mile in a minute? A grasshopper with hiccups!
What is green, sooty and whistles when it rubs its back legs together? Chimney Cricket!
What do moths learn at school? Mothmatics!
What are crisp, like milk and go ‘eek, eek, eek’ when you eat them? Mice krispies!
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights? A Mouseketeer!
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
What do mice do when they’re at home? Mousework!
What’s a frogs favourite game? It’s croak-et!
What’s a frogs favourite flower? A croakus!
What did the bus conductor say to the frog? Hop on!
What kind of pole is short and floppy? A tadpole!
What do you call a girl with a frog in her hair? Lily!
What do Scottish toads play? Hop-scotch!
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
What do you call a big Irish spider? Paddy long legs?
What does a spider do when he gets angry? He goes up the wall!
Why did the sparrow go to the library? It was looking for bookworms!
Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do? Use a pencil till I get there!
Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a bell Take these, and if it doesn’t help give me a ring!
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep. That’s baaaaaaaaaaaad!
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee. Well buzz off I’m busy!
Doctor, Doctor I feel like an apple We must get to the core of this!
Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a snail Don’t worry we’ll soon have you out of your shell!
What kind of food do maths teachers eat? Square meals!
What do Gnomes do after school? Gnomework!
How did your mum know you hadn’t washed your face? I forgot to wet the soap!
Where do tadpoles change? in a croakroom!
Why are goldfish red? The water turns them rusty!
What is the best hand to write with? Neither – it’s best to write with a pen!
What does Mini mum meant? A very small mum!
What kind of biscuit would you find at the South Pole? A penguin!
Where do snowmen go to dance? A snowball
Why did the burglar take a shower? He wanted to make a clean getaway
Why do polar bears have fur coats? Because they would look silly in anoraks!
What is the one word a dog can say Bark
Knock, Knock Who’s there? Boo / Boo Who? / Don’t cry its only a joke!
Why did the computer go to the doctors? Because it had a virus!
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!
What happened when the dog swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
Why do birds fly south in the winter? Because it’s too far to walk!
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!
What did one fish say to the other? You keep your mouth closed and you won’t get caught!
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools!
What colour is a burp? Burple!
What is black and white, white and black, black and white? A zebra caught in a revolving door!
Why did the cook get arrested? Because he beat up an egg.
What did the blanket say to the bed? You are under cover!
What’s a snake’s favourite subject? Hisssss – tory
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the ball? Because he had no ‘body’ to go with!
What do you call a nervous celery stalk? An edgy veggie!
What’s black and white and red all over? A penguin with a rash!
What did the mayonnaise say to the fridge door? Close the door, I’m dressing!
What are the best days in ‘Foodland’ Fry-days and Sundaes!
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze
What did the hedgehog say to the cactus? Is that your mummy?
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!
What’s brown and sticky? A stick
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog!
What did the grape do when it got stepped on? It let out a little wine!
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little ‘boogey’ in it!
What did the water say to the boat? Nothing, it just waved.
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
What has 4 legs but can’t walk? A table!
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck Milk and quackers!
Why did the elephant eat the candle? He wanted a light snack!
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 789!
Why did the biscuit go to the hospital? Because it felt crummy!
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses!
What tests to witches have to pass? Spell-ing tests!
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Why is basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time
What happens to cows during an earthquake? They give milk shakes!
Where do cows go on holiday? Moo York
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A bed
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment
What do you call a cow eating grass in a paddock? A lawn mooer
What gets bigger and bigger the more you take away from it? A hole.
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
What did one lift say to the other lift? I think I’m coming down with something.
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff!
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains.
What kind of button won’t unbutton? A bellybutton.
What are two things you cannot have for breakfast? Lunch and dinner.
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
What did one wall say to the other wall? I’ll meet you at the corner.
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
How do footballers keep cool? Sit next to their fans
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
Why was the maths book so sad? Because it was full of problems.
How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut.
What do you do with a blue whale? Try to cheer him up.
Where do sheep go to get their hair cut To the Baa Baa shop.
Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss.
Why does a hummingbird hum? Because it doesn’t know the words.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school.
What’s invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny farts.
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water bed.
Why was the broom late? It over swept
What do you get when you put a fish and an elephant together? Swimming trunks
What goes up when the rains comes down? An umbrella
What did the big chimney say to the small chimney? You are too little to smoke.
What do you call a doctor with 8 arms? A Doctorpus
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we’ll go places
What do computers do when they are hungry? They eat chips.
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
Why did the balloon burst? Because it saw a lolly pop
What flower grows on your face? Tu-lips
What is a computers favourite dance? Disk-o
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse
Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work
Why did the chewing gum cross the road? It was stuck to the leg of the chicken.
What did one egg say to the other egg? Lets get cracking.
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish? A jellybutton
What do you get if you cross a Cocker Spaniel with a Poodle and a rooster? A cockapoodledoo
What to you call a pig with 3 eyes? A Piiig
Where to mermaids go to see movies? A dive-in
What goes ‘tick, tick, woof, woof’ A watchdog
What did the digital watch say to the grandfather clock? Look pop…. No hands
Why are pianos hard to open? They keys are inside
What’s green and loud? A froghorn
What’s a hedgehogs favourite food? Prickled onions
What do you call a blind dinosaur? I-don’t-think-he-saurus
What do pigs put on sore trotters? Oinkment
What does a bee use to brush his hair? A honeycomb
What do you get when you cross a cow with a rabbit? Hair in your milk
Why couldn’t the flower ride his bike? Because he lost his petals
What’s black and white and red all over? A zebra with a sunburn
What did one plate say to the other? Lunch is on me.
Why cant a bike stand up for itself? Because it’s two tired.
What kind of coat goes on wet and never has buttons? A coat of paint
What do frogs drink? Croak-a-Cola
What has four legs and goes “oom-oom”? A cow walking backwards
Where is the best place to have a bubble gum contents? On a Choo-Choo train
What’s full of holes and still holds water? A sponge
What do you call someone that keeps talking when no-one is listening? A teacher
What did the mud say when it started to rain? If this keeps up, my name is going to be mud.
What do you take off last before getting into bed? Your feet off the floor
What did the chewing gum say to the shoe? I’m stuck on you
What do you call a fairy who hasn’t taken a bath? Stinkerbell
What do you call a scared dinosaur A nervous-rex
Who granted the fish’s wish? Fairy Cod-mother
What games do cows play at parties? Moosical chairs
LAWYERS JOKES
First lawyer: "You're an unmitigated liar." Second lawyer: "You're a lowdown
cheat." Judge: "Now that the lawyers have identified themselves, let us
proceed."
What do you call a busload of Lawyers at the bottom of a cliff? --- A start.
What do you call a Lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand!
What's the difference between a skunk & a lawyer that have been road killed?
Vultures will eat the skunk.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a hooker? A hooker will stop screwing you when you die.
Why do so many Lawyers have broken noses? From chasing parked ambulances.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.
What is black & brown and looks good on a lawyer? A pit bull.
A man loaned a freind $ 500. He then thought he needed a contract so he would be paid back. He went to his Lawyer & asked him to make make him one. Lawyer says “That will be $ 50.00 (This is an old joke) and it will be ready next week. Five years later the man was going through his desk and found the receipt for the $50 so he decided to throw it away, since the loan had been paid long ago, and then decided to take it to his lawyer and see if he could have some fun. He took it in and handed it to the girl without commenting. She took the receipt to the lawyer. Fifteen minutes later she came back & handed it back to the man and said " It will be ready Friday".
Our wrangling lawyers... are so litigious and busy here on earth, that I think
they will plead their clients' causes hereafter,--some of them in hell. Robert Burton.
1576-1640.
Kill all the lawyers. -William Shakespeare.
There is never a deed so foul that something couldn't be said for the guy; that's
why there are lawyers.
The law is not an end in itself, nor does it provide ends. It is preeminently a
means to serve what we think is right. William J. Brennan, opinion, Roth v. United States, 1957.
I don't want to know what the law is, I want to know who the judge is.
One with the law is a majority.
Free government has no greater menace than disrespect for authority and
continual violation of law. It is the duty of a citizen not only to observe the law
but to let it be known that he is opposed to its violation. Calvin Coolidge, vice-presidential
nomination acceptance speech, Republican National Convention, July 27, 1920.
When the law contradicts what most people regard as moral and proper, they
will break the law--whether the law is enacted in the name of a noble ideal...or
in the naked interest of one group at the expense of another. Only fear of
punishment, not a sense of justice and morality, will lead people to obey the
law. When people start to break one set of laws, the lack of respect for the law
inevitably spreads to all laws, even those that everyone regards as moral and
proper--laws against violence, theft, and vandalism. Calvin Coolidge, message to Congress,
December 6, 1923.
Pretty much all law consists in forbidding men to do some things that they want
to do. Milton Friedman and Rose Friedman, Free to Choose, 1980.
Laws that do not embody public opinion can never be enforced. Oliver Wendell Holmes,
Jr., opinion, Adkins v. Children's Hospital, 1922.
It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can keep him
from lynching me, and I think that's pretty important. Martin Luther King, Jr., Wall Street
Journal, November 13, 1962.
You have the right to remain silent; anything you say can be held against you in
a court of law; you have the right to the presence of an attorney to assist you
prior to questioning and to be with you during questioning, and if you cannot
afford an attorney, you have the right to have an attorney appointed for you
prior to questioning. Miranda warning, Miranda v. Miranda, June 13, 1966.
No man is above the law and no man is below it; nor do we ask any man's
permission when we require him to obey it. Obedience to the law is demanded
as a right, not asked as a favor. Theodore Roosevelt, message to Congress, January, 1904.
A Lawyer's time and advice are his stock in trade. A. Lincoln
Please don't tell my mother I'm a Lawyer, she thingks I play the piano at
the local bordello.
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a
headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The
little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked
"Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"
The Pope and a lawyer die on the same day and arrive in heaven on the
same day. St. Peter tells them he will take them for a tour. He takes them
to a very nice room-similar to Holiday Inn- and says "Well, Holy Father,
this is your eternal resting place." He then takes them a room that looks
like the Taj Mahal and says " This, Mr. Lawyer, is where you will spend
eternity". The attorney looks incredulous and says "I don't understand.
Why does the Pope get such a humble room while I am given a palace?" To
which St. Peter responds" My son, we get a lot of Popes up here".
Terrorists have taken over City Hall...and they say they will release a
lawyer every hour unless their demands are met!
cheat." Judge: "Now that the lawyers have identified themselves, let us
proceed."
What do you call a busload of Lawyers at the bottom of a cliff? --- A start.
What do you call a Lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand!
What's the difference between a skunk & a lawyer that have been road killed?
Vultures will eat the skunk.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a hooker? A hooker will stop screwing you when you die.
Why do so many Lawyers have broken noses? From chasing parked ambulances.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.
What is black & brown and looks good on a lawyer? A pit bull.
A man loaned a freind $ 500. He then thought he needed a contract so he would be paid back. He went to his Lawyer & asked him to make make him one. Lawyer says “That will be $ 50.00 (This is an old joke) and it will be ready next week. Five years later the man was going through his desk and found the receipt for the $50 so he decided to throw it away, since the loan had been paid long ago, and then decided to take it to his lawyer and see if he could have some fun. He took it in and handed it to the girl without commenting. She took the receipt to the lawyer. Fifteen minutes later she came back & handed it back to the man and said " It will be ready Friday".
Our wrangling lawyers... are so litigious and busy here on earth, that I think
they will plead their clients' causes hereafter,--some of them in hell. Robert Burton.
1576-1640.
Kill all the lawyers. -William Shakespeare.
There is never a deed so foul that something couldn't be said for the guy; that's
why there are lawyers.
The law is not an end in itself, nor does it provide ends. It is preeminently a
means to serve what we think is right. William J. Brennan, opinion, Roth v. United States, 1957.
I don't want to know what the law is, I want to know who the judge is.
One with the law is a majority.
Free government has no greater menace than disrespect for authority and
continual violation of law. It is the duty of a citizen not only to observe the law
but to let it be known that he is opposed to its violation. Calvin Coolidge, vice-presidential
nomination acceptance speech, Republican National Convention, July 27, 1920.
When the law contradicts what most people regard as moral and proper, they
will break the law--whether the law is enacted in the name of a noble ideal...or
in the naked interest of one group at the expense of another. Only fear of
punishment, not a sense of justice and morality, will lead people to obey the
law. When people start to break one set of laws, the lack of respect for the law
inevitably spreads to all laws, even those that everyone regards as moral and
proper--laws against violence, theft, and vandalism. Calvin Coolidge, message to Congress,
December 6, 1923.
Pretty much all law consists in forbidding men to do some things that they want
to do. Milton Friedman and Rose Friedman, Free to Choose, 1980.
Laws that do not embody public opinion can never be enforced. Oliver Wendell Holmes,
Jr., opinion, Adkins v. Children's Hospital, 1922.
It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can keep him
from lynching me, and I think that's pretty important. Martin Luther King, Jr., Wall Street
Journal, November 13, 1962.
You have the right to remain silent; anything you say can be held against you in
a court of law; you have the right to the presence of an attorney to assist you
prior to questioning and to be with you during questioning, and if you cannot
afford an attorney, you have the right to have an attorney appointed for you
prior to questioning. Miranda warning, Miranda v. Miranda, June 13, 1966.
No man is above the law and no man is below it; nor do we ask any man's
permission when we require him to obey it. Obedience to the law is demanded
as a right, not asked as a favor. Theodore Roosevelt, message to Congress, January, 1904.
A Lawyer's time and advice are his stock in trade. A. Lincoln
Please don't tell my mother I'm a Lawyer, she thingks I play the piano at
the local bordello.
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a
headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The
little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked
"Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"
The Pope and a lawyer die on the same day and arrive in heaven on the
same day. St. Peter tells them he will take them for a tour. He takes them
to a very nice room-similar to Holiday Inn- and says "Well, Holy Father,
this is your eternal resting place." He then takes them a room that looks
like the Taj Mahal and says " This, Mr. Lawyer, is where you will spend
eternity". The attorney looks incredulous and says "I don't understand.
Why does the Pope get such a humble room while I am given a palace?" To
which St. Peter responds" My son, we get a lot of Popes up here".
Terrorists have taken over City Hall...and they say they will release a
lawyer every hour unless their demands are met!
MARRIAGE JOKES AND SMS
Sweet as a rose bud bright as a star cute as a kitten thats what u
are.bundles of joy sunshine and fun you are everything i luv all rolled
into
I have liked many but loved very few.
yet no-one has been as sweet as u.
I'd stand and wait in the worlds longest queue.
just for the pleasure of a moment with u.
A special smile a special face.a special someone i cant replace.
i luv u i always will.
u've filled a space no one can fill!
Girl ur clever girl ur smart.
girl ur like a work of art.
girl ur sexy girl ur fine.
d only thing u aint is mine!
He took me from a bar.
He took me in his car.
He took my top off.
He puts his lips on mine, but don't worry: I'm a bottle of wine!
Ques. What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
Ans. U can unscrew a light bulb.
Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence....(a life sentence!).
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and
the wife takes.
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
A: They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time!
Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
A little kid asks his Dad, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" "No idea," replied the Father, "I'm still paying for it..." There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married - now he is going through Hell!!!
I've got a good friend who married a Doctor. One day he told her: "You
need to do something to spice up our love-making". Soon thereafter, he
came home and found her in bed with another man who is also an M.D.
"Why?" asked her husband. "You said I needed to do something to spice
up our love-making; I just wanted to get a Second Opinion", she replied...
Q: Why do brides wear white?
A: To blend in with everything else in the kitchen.
One day a man inserted an 'advert' in the local classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? Well, it's the same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving
Marriage - an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
After a lengthy quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. - Noel Coward
Behind every great man there is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - S. T. Coleridge
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Michel de Montaigne
Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative. - Unknown
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women. - Marion Smith
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. - James Holt McGavran
The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him - Oscar Wilde
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. - Joey Adams
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. - Clint Eastwood
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. - Clint Eastwood
The most dangerous food a man can eat is wedding cake - Unknown.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. - Marvin Kitman
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? - Groucho Marx
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi
A man's wife has more power over him than the state has. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. - Henry Youngman
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. - Mae West
The trouble with some woman is that they get all excited about nothing, and then marry him - Cher
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late. - Max Kauffmann
I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli
I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid. - Dorothy Parker
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards. - Benjamin Franklin
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted - Helen Rowland
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. - Erma Bombeck
All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage. - Lord Byron
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. - Henry Youngman
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. Chesterton ?My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield
I like to wake up each morning feeling a new man. - Jean Harlow
Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. - Lisa
Hoffman
To the bride and groom - may we all be invited to your golden wedding
celebrations...
To the NewlyWeds: May 'for better or worse' be far better than worse.
To the 2 secrets of a long lasting and happy marriage ...Here's to
good sense of humor and a short memory!
Grooms, once you marry, please remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always try to get the last two words in: "Yes dear"
You know, the trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to actually prove it.
May the best of your past be the worst of your future
Married life has many Ups and Downs...May most of yours be between the
sheets!
May the joys you share today, be the beginning of a lifetime
of great happiness and fulfilment
To our wives and lovers...may they never meet!
Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and
may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the
desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation
in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an
accumulation to the population.
are.bundles of joy sunshine and fun you are everything i luv all rolled
into
I have liked many but loved very few.
yet no-one has been as sweet as u.
I'd stand and wait in the worlds longest queue.
just for the pleasure of a moment with u.
A special smile a special face.a special someone i cant replace.
i luv u i always will.
u've filled a space no one can fill!
Girl ur clever girl ur smart.
girl ur like a work of art.
girl ur sexy girl ur fine.
d only thing u aint is mine!
He took me from a bar.
He took me in his car.
He took my top off.
He puts his lips on mine, but don't worry: I'm a bottle of wine!
Ques. What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
Ans. U can unscrew a light bulb.
Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence....(a life sentence!).
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and
the wife takes.
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
A: They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time!
Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
A little kid asks his Dad, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" "No idea," replied the Father, "I'm still paying for it..." There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married - now he is going through Hell!!!
I've got a good friend who married a Doctor. One day he told her: "You
need to do something to spice up our love-making". Soon thereafter, he
came home and found her in bed with another man who is also an M.D.
"Why?" asked her husband. "You said I needed to do something to spice
up our love-making; I just wanted to get a Second Opinion", she replied...
Q: Why do brides wear white?
A: To blend in with everything else in the kitchen.
One day a man inserted an 'advert' in the local classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? Well, it's the same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving
Marriage - an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
After a lengthy quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. - Noel Coward
Behind every great man there is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - S. T. Coleridge
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Michel de Montaigne
Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative. - Unknown
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women. - Marion Smith
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. - James Holt McGavran
The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him - Oscar Wilde
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. - Joey Adams
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. - Clint Eastwood
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. - Clint Eastwood
The most dangerous food a man can eat is wedding cake - Unknown.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. - Marvin Kitman
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? - Groucho Marx
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi
A man's wife has more power over him than the state has. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. - Henry Youngman
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. - Mae West
The trouble with some woman is that they get all excited about nothing, and then marry him - Cher
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late. - Max Kauffmann
I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli
I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid. - Dorothy Parker
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards. - Benjamin Franklin
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted - Helen Rowland
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. - Erma Bombeck
All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a marriage. - Lord Byron
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. - Henry Youngman
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. Chesterton ?My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield
I like to wake up each morning feeling a new man. - Jean Harlow
Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. - Lisa
Hoffman
To the bride and groom - may we all be invited to your golden wedding
celebrations...
To the NewlyWeds: May 'for better or worse' be far better than worse.
To the 2 secrets of a long lasting and happy marriage ...Here's to
good sense of humor and a short memory!
Grooms, once you marry, please remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always try to get the last two words in: "Yes dear"
You know, the trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to actually prove it.
May the best of your past be the worst of your future
Married life has many Ups and Downs...May most of yours be between the
sheets!
May the joys you share today, be the beginning of a lifetime
of great happiness and fulfilment
To our wives and lovers...may they never meet!
Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and
may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the
desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation
in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an
accumulation to the population.
teacher jokes & hindi jokes
91 Banta Singh happened to be in a queue at a railway
station ticket counter with two men ahead of him.
'Ek Punjab Mail dena.' demanded the man in front.
He was given a ticket. 'Ek Punjab Mail dena.'
the second man asked & was handed a ticket.
Then came the turn of Banta Singh, 'Ek Punjab female dena!'
'What do u mean by Punjab female?' asked the clerk.
'It is for my wife' replied Banta Singh
92 The Equation:
7 Glance = 1 Smile
7 Smile = 1 Meeting
7 Meeting = 1 Kiss
7 Kisses = 1 Proposal
7 Proposal = 1 Marriage -
And that 1 Bloody marriage has 777777777777 problems.
So beware of glance!
93 Plan For Future:
Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
Ram: I want 2 b a pilot.
Vinod: I want 2 b a doctor.
Deepa: I want 2 b a good mother.
Ravi: I want 2 help Deepa.
94 Exams:
Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS;
1,Too Many Questions.
2,Difficult to Understand.
3,More Explanation is Needed.
4,Result is always FAIL!
95 A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of
AIDS?"
Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch ur mom
96 Girlfriend : And are you sure you love me and no one else
Boyfriend : Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.
97 Teacher : Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?
Pupil : The moon.
Teacher : Why?
Pupil : The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives
us light only in the day time when we dont need it.
98 Teacher : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Pupil : A teacher.
99 Waiter : Would you like your coffee black?
Customer : What other colours do you have?
100 My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
101 Teacher : Sam, you talk a lot.
Sam : It's a family tradition.
Teacher : What do you mean?
Sam : Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher.
Teacher : What about your mother?
Sam : She's a woman.
102 Tom : How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?
David: You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated.
103 Teacher : Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Student : Brotherly love.
104 Teacher : Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
105 Patient : What are the chances of my recovering doctor?
Doctor : One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have.
Yours is the tenth case I've treated.The others all died.
106 Teacher : " Hello boys, Remember !!! Nothing is impossible."
One of the 20 Students: "Ok Sir, You please take out all the toothpaste and put it back into the tube again.
107 Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE ?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday, sametime."
108 Sardarji opens his lunch box in the middle of the road....why ?
Just to confirm whether he is going to or coming back from the office
109 A woman had 8 sons all named Kevin. On asking how she managed to call one in
particular
She replied: That's easy. I call them by their surname !
110 koi apni biwi ka antim sanskar karke ghar ja raha tha ki achanak bijli
chamki, badal garje, jor se baarish shuru hui dukhi aadmi bola:
Lagta hai pahunch gai :-)
111 Sardar enters kitchen and opens the sugarbox. Sees inside and closes it.
Wife observes the whole episode
Again he comes and does the same stuff. Wife askes Why are you doing this?
Sardar replies: Doc told to check sugar level regularly
112 What is the full form of singh: S-sardar I-insaan N-nahi G-gadha H-hai.
113 Angry sardar-Oye mein is duniya ko mita dunga - mita dunga- mita dunga.
Another sardar standing besides said mein tujhe rubber nahi dunga.
114 Santa singh: Can u spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Banta singh: Post office.
115 Sardar on cycle hit lady accidently, lady says," break nahi mar sakta tha kya?
Sardar replies "break ka kya hai, poori cycle to mar di....."
116 Sardarji zebra crossing ke black & white patte par bar bar idhar-udhar chalte the, woh kya soch rahe honge....think. ......... ...
"SALA YE PIANO BAJTA KYO NAHI"
117 Sardar:Aap kitna padhe ho?
Friend: B.A.
Sardar: kamal karte ho yaar sirf do word padhe aur woh bhi ulte.
118 A friend asks sardar how was ur exam?
Sardar: It was ok but i couldnt answer past tense of THINK. I thought, thought & finally i wrote 'THUNK'.
119 Sardar: Doctor help me, mein jab baat karta huun to muje sirf awaaz sunaideti hai, aadmi nahi dikhta.
Dr: Aaisa kab hota hai?
Sardar: Phone karte waqt.
120 Sardar jhad pe bethkar gaa rahe the, achanak ek sardar jhad se ulta
latak ke gaane laga, dusre ne pucha ki ulta kyon latka he, Sardar bola oye side B gaa raha hun.
121 Sardarni asks her lover,"Santa dear, if we get engaged, will u give me a ring?"
"Sure" replies santa. "Whats ur phone no?"
122 Sardarji is not sleeping with his wife! these days
because somebody had told him that it is wrong to sleep with married women.
123 One day sardarji was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor of a
building when a man came running in to his office and shouted "Santa singh
your daughter Preeto just died in an accident" ....... since Sardarji was in panic.
Not knowing what to do he jumped from his office window while comming down when he was near the
tenth floor he remembered he didn't have a daughter named Preeto.
when he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.
124 *** Banta Singh finished his English exam and came out.
His friends asked him how did he do his exam, for that he replied "Exam was
okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, thought ... and
at last wrote - THUNK !!!"
125 a sardar was going on the road.Then he sees a man who has met with an
accident.so he picks him up puts him in his car and takes him to the
hospital.Then the sardar realises that the man should have brought by
ambulance.so he takes him back where he picked him
sardar was driving a car. Suddenly one tyre was puncher.he took spear tyre
and changed in the place of punchered tyre. but unfortunately he misplaced
the four screws to fit the tyre on its place . he was so confused ,,now
what to do,, a pagal(mentally retaired) person was watching this incident.
He came near to sardar and said," do one thing,, take each one screw from
the remaining three tyre and fit it in this new tyre.There after u can go
where ever u want to. Sardar was so happy and said aree yaar Duniya tume
pagal kahate hai lakin i dont think u are a pagal. pagal replied sir,, i m
a pagal but i m not a sardar.
126 Once a Sardar ji rescued 6 people from a house burning on fire;
But still the Sardar ji was jailed, why?
Because all the rescued persons were fire fighters
127 TEACHER: Why are you late?
L-JOHNY: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
L-JOHNY: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
128 TEACHER: Johny, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
L-JOHNY: You told me to do it without using tables!
129 TEACHER: Johny, how do you spell "crocodile"?
L-JOHNY: "K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
L-JOHNY: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
130 TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
L-JOHNY: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
L-JOHNY: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
TEACHER: Johny, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
L-JOHNY: You told me to do it without using tables!
131 TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, Johny, who discovered America?
JOHNY: George!
132 TEACHER: Johny, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
L-JOHNY: Me!
133 TEACHER: Johny, why do you always get so dirty?
L-JOHNY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
134 L-JOHNY: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me To write?
L-JOHNY: Your name on this report card.
135 TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
L-JOHNY: Don't bite any.
136 TEACHER: Johny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
L-JOHNY: I is...
TEACHER: No, Johny. Always say, "I am."
L-JOHNY: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
137 Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE? "
L-Johnny : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday
sametime."
138 Question: There are 10 elephants swimming in a pond. A boy jumps inside and
swims underneath them and counts the number of legs.
There are only 36 legs.HOW??
Answer: One elephant was swimming BACKSTROKE!!
139 L-Johnny : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
L-Johnny : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
140 Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is
green and one is blue with red spots!
L-Johnny: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same
at home.
141 Teacher: Now, Johny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before
eating?
L-Johnny : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
142 Teacher: Johny, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did u copy his?
L-Johnny: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
station ticket counter with two men ahead of him.
'Ek Punjab Mail dena.' demanded the man in front.
He was given a ticket. 'Ek Punjab Mail dena.'
the second man asked & was handed a ticket.
Then came the turn of Banta Singh, 'Ek Punjab female dena!'
'What do u mean by Punjab female?' asked the clerk.
'It is for my wife' replied Banta Singh
92 The Equation:
7 Glance = 1 Smile
7 Smile = 1 Meeting
7 Meeting = 1 Kiss
7 Kisses = 1 Proposal
7 Proposal = 1 Marriage -
And that 1 Bloody marriage has 777777777777 problems.
So beware of glance!
93 Plan For Future:
Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
Ram: I want 2 b a pilot.
Vinod: I want 2 b a doctor.
Deepa: I want 2 b a good mother.
Ravi: I want 2 help Deepa.
94 Exams:
Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS;
1,Too Many Questions.
2,Difficult to Understand.
3,More Explanation is Needed.
4,Result is always FAIL!
95 A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of
AIDS?"
Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch ur mom
96 Girlfriend : And are you sure you love me and no one else
Boyfriend : Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.
97 Teacher : Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?
Pupil : The moon.
Teacher : Why?
Pupil : The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives
us light only in the day time when we dont need it.
98 Teacher : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Pupil : A teacher.
99 Waiter : Would you like your coffee black?
Customer : What other colours do you have?
100 My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
101 Teacher : Sam, you talk a lot.
Sam : It's a family tradition.
Teacher : What do you mean?
Sam : Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher.
Teacher : What about your mother?
Sam : She's a woman.
102 Tom : How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?
David: You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated.
103 Teacher : Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Student : Brotherly love.
104 Teacher : Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
105 Patient : What are the chances of my recovering doctor?
Doctor : One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have.
Yours is the tenth case I've treated.The others all died.
106 Teacher : " Hello boys, Remember !!! Nothing is impossible."
One of the 20 Students: "Ok Sir, You please take out all the toothpaste and put it back into the tube again.
107 Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE ?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday, sametime."
108 Sardarji opens his lunch box in the middle of the road....why ?
Just to confirm whether he is going to or coming back from the office
109 A woman had 8 sons all named Kevin. On asking how she managed to call one in
particular
She replied: That's easy. I call them by their surname !
110 koi apni biwi ka antim sanskar karke ghar ja raha tha ki achanak bijli
chamki, badal garje, jor se baarish shuru hui dukhi aadmi bola:
Lagta hai pahunch gai :-)
111 Sardar enters kitchen and opens the sugarbox. Sees inside and closes it.
Wife observes the whole episode
Again he comes and does the same stuff. Wife askes Why are you doing this?
Sardar replies: Doc told to check sugar level regularly
112 What is the full form of singh: S-sardar I-insaan N-nahi G-gadha H-hai.
113 Angry sardar-Oye mein is duniya ko mita dunga - mita dunga- mita dunga.
Another sardar standing besides said mein tujhe rubber nahi dunga.
114 Santa singh: Can u spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Banta singh: Post office.
115 Sardar on cycle hit lady accidently, lady says," break nahi mar sakta tha kya?
Sardar replies "break ka kya hai, poori cycle to mar di....."
116 Sardarji zebra crossing ke black & white patte par bar bar idhar-udhar chalte the, woh kya soch rahe honge....think. ......... ...
"SALA YE PIANO BAJTA KYO NAHI"
117 Sardar:Aap kitna padhe ho?
Friend: B.A.
Sardar: kamal karte ho yaar sirf do word padhe aur woh bhi ulte.
118 A friend asks sardar how was ur exam?
Sardar: It was ok but i couldnt answer past tense of THINK. I thought, thought & finally i wrote 'THUNK'.
119 Sardar: Doctor help me, mein jab baat karta huun to muje sirf awaaz sunaideti hai, aadmi nahi dikhta.
Dr: Aaisa kab hota hai?
Sardar: Phone karte waqt.
120 Sardar jhad pe bethkar gaa rahe the, achanak ek sardar jhad se ulta
latak ke gaane laga, dusre ne pucha ki ulta kyon latka he, Sardar bola oye side B gaa raha hun.
121 Sardarni asks her lover,"Santa dear, if we get engaged, will u give me a ring?"
"Sure" replies santa. "Whats ur phone no?"
122 Sardarji is not sleeping with his wife! these days
because somebody had told him that it is wrong to sleep with married women.
123 One day sardarji was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor of a
building when a man came running in to his office and shouted "Santa singh
your daughter Preeto just died in an accident" ....... since Sardarji was in panic.
Not knowing what to do he jumped from his office window while comming down when he was near the
tenth floor he remembered he didn't have a daughter named Preeto.
when he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.
124 *** Banta Singh finished his English exam and came out.
His friends asked him how did he do his exam, for that he replied "Exam was
okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, thought ... and
at last wrote - THUNK !!!"
125 a sardar was going on the road.Then he sees a man who has met with an
accident.so he picks him up puts him in his car and takes him to the
hospital.Then the sardar realises that the man should have brought by
ambulance.so he takes him back where he picked him
sardar was driving a car. Suddenly one tyre was puncher.he took spear tyre
and changed in the place of punchered tyre. but unfortunately he misplaced
the four screws to fit the tyre on its place . he was so confused ,,now
what to do,, a pagal(mentally retaired) person was watching this incident.
He came near to sardar and said," do one thing,, take each one screw from
the remaining three tyre and fit it in this new tyre.There after u can go
where ever u want to. Sardar was so happy and said aree yaar Duniya tume
pagal kahate hai lakin i dont think u are a pagal. pagal replied sir,, i m
a pagal but i m not a sardar.
126 Once a Sardar ji rescued 6 people from a house burning on fire;
But still the Sardar ji was jailed, why?
Because all the rescued persons were fire fighters
127 TEACHER: Why are you late?
L-JOHNY: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
L-JOHNY: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
128 TEACHER: Johny, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
L-JOHNY: You told me to do it without using tables!
129 TEACHER: Johny, how do you spell "crocodile"?
L-JOHNY: "K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
L-JOHNY: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
130 TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
L-JOHNY: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
L-JOHNY: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
TEACHER: Johny, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
L-JOHNY: You told me to do it without using tables!
131 TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, Johny, who discovered America?
JOHNY: George!
132 TEACHER: Johny, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
L-JOHNY: Me!
133 TEACHER: Johny, why do you always get so dirty?
L-JOHNY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
134 L-JOHNY: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me To write?
L-JOHNY: Your name on this report card.
135 TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
L-JOHNY: Don't bite any.
136 TEACHER: Johny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
L-JOHNY: I is...
TEACHER: No, Johny. Always say, "I am."
L-JOHNY: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
137 Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE? "
L-Johnny : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday
sametime."
138 Question: There are 10 elephants swimming in a pond. A boy jumps inside and
swims underneath them and counts the number of legs.
There are only 36 legs.HOW??
Answer: One elephant was swimming BACKSTROKE!!
139 L-Johnny : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
L-Johnny : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
140 Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is
green and one is blue with red spots!
L-Johnny: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same
at home.
141 Teacher: Now, Johny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before
eating?
L-Johnny : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
142 Teacher: Johny, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did u copy his?
L-Johnny: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
BABBAL SINGH
Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence
into future tense.
Sardar: The future tense is "u will go to jail".
Babbal Singh told his servant: Go and water the plants. Servant
it’s already raining.
Babbal Singh: So what? Take an umbrella and go.
Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This Packet
Babbal singh:- why did u come so far. Instead u could have
posted it....
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
My Father grows beans," said one student. "My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard. Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?"
23 Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
24 As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
25 Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
26 What's the definition of lawyer?
The larval form of a politician
27 Sardar comes back 2 his car & finds a note saying "Parking Fine"
28 How do you recognize a Sardar in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
29 once a Sardhar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so the man asked him why did he do so. He Replied that the
weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
30 Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar, where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours.
After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. "
When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him " Arre Puttar, ki hoya?
(What Happened, My Son?)
31 The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaate hain, )
aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik?" (These Maruti Car people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!
32 Santa Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with. A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens .
because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at t he dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died
'But I think I know where I'm going wrong,' said Santa, 'I think I'm planting them too deep.'
33 2 Dost Suicide karne gae, Pahala : "Hey Bhagwan muje dunia ki saari
nafrat de Pareshani de Duk de!" Dusra dost : "Abe tu maut maang raha
hai ki Reliance mai Job.
34 Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other
ensures U
Continue to do so.
35 Sardar to Shopkeeper: - Mujhe India Ka Flag Dikhao, Shopkeeper ne
Flag
Dikhaya, Sardar: - Isme aur Colour Dikhao.
36 .How can a Sardar Kill a Lion ? Sardarji thinks N thinks hard &
comes to a conclusion: I'll drink poison n let lion eat me. O' bolo
ta ra ra.
37 A Chinese pair accidentally had twins without getting married, Guess
what they named them... Jo Hua, So Hua.
38 Wife : Honey ...... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an
hour ...?? Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.
39 Papa : beta har parai stri ko apni Maa samjho to tumhara character
thik ho jaaega.....Beta : Lekin Papa fir Aap ke character ka kya
hoga....???
40 Sardar: O Banno Car ki speed itani ky badha di..? biwi: Oji Car ki
break
fail ho gayi hai, Exident ho jaye iske pahale ghar pahunch jaate hai.
41 Sardar : Sitting on The Top of the Mountain and Studying.... When a
Person asked what he was doing.... He replied... Oye!! Higher
Studies
Yaar...!!!
42 Mayawati came to Lalu's House with a Goat.....
Lalu : Bhaiswa ko kyun Layi ho....??
Maya : Dikhta nahi, Goatwa hai..??
Lalu : Hum Goatwa se hi Puch raha Hun..!!
52
43 Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
44 Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born
45 Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the
field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
46 Customer: If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.
47 1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions
48 Man before Marriage I like Airtel....”Aisi Azaadi Aur Kahaan”
After Marriage He's Like Hutch... " Where R U Go Our Network
Follows."
49 Santa : That Cow is a Lovely Colour ,
Farmer : Yes, it's a Jersey.
Santa : Oh, I Thought it was its Skin...!!!
gaya... aur main...SWARGWASI. ..
50 They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is
love; after marriage it is self-defense
51 It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as
women..and then he turns them into Wives !?!!!?!
52 It takes thousand workers to build a castle , Million soldiers to
protect a country
BUT Just ONE woman to make a Happy HOME! Let's Thank ......KAAMWALI
53 After Finishing MBBS, Dr. Munna Starts his practice. He Chcked 1st
patient eyes, tongue & ears by Torch
& finally said BOLE TO.......... TORCH THEEEEK HAI
54 What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a
positive side!
55 Ladka: Janeman is dil mein aaja.
Ladki: Sandal nikalu kya?
Ladka: Pagli mandir thodi hi hai, aise hi aaja!!
56 It's funny when people discuss LOVE MARRIAGE vs ARRANGED.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered
57 A person who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A person who SURRENDERS when not SURE, is WISE..
A person who surrenders even if he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND.!
58 Mayawati came to Lallu's house with a goat.
Lallu: Bhaiswa ko kyon layi ho?
Maya: Dikhta nahin goatwa hai?
Lallu: Hum goatwa se hi to pooch raha hoon.
59 Do sardar jee motor cycle per bomb lay kar jarahay thay,
Rastay main speed breaker ki waja say jhatkay lag rahay thay,
Sardar jee ka dost bola yaar aaram say gari chalao kahi bomb na
phatjain,
Sardar jee...Oo tussi fiker hi naker assi kay pass dosra bhi tu bomb
hay. :)
60 aik sharabi raatkay waqat apnay dost kay sath jaraha hota hay. rastay
main talab per nazar parhti hay tu us main us ko chand dikhta hay woh
apny dost say
kahta hay yaar ye kia hay.dost kehta hay chand hay. sharabi hairan ho
ker
yaar hum log itnay upper aagaiy
61 Santa Singh goes to a TV shop and asks, 'Aap ke paas color TV hai
kya?'
'Haan' replies shopowner. Santa Singh says, 'Ek hara vala dena!'
62 A sardar calls another sardar on the phone & says "Hi, Main Bol Raha
Hoon".
The other sardar replies "Kamaal Hain,Ithe bhi Main Bol Raha Hoon!"
63 Ek pathan Cycle chalaty aur gungunaty howe kahin ja raha tha rasty
mein ek Aurat se takra betha.
Aurat chilla kar boli "Break nahi maar sakty thy kia ??? "
Pathan herat se... "Pora cycle mar deya abhi break mar kar kia faida."
64 Burhiya:Aray dekho iss kambakhat maare ko mere sath larki ja rahi he
osse nahi dekh raha kab se mujhe taare chala ja ria he...!
65 Aadmi:Aray.. ! amma darasal ye kabaria he purana maal dekh raha he.
66 Ustaad: Bete, aap jab hanste hen to aap ke dimples parte hen aap bohat
ache lagte hen dil chahta he aap ko piyar karloon.
67 Bacha: Sir, mujhse ziyada dimple to mere ammi ke parte hen.
68Aik lerki apny boy friend k sath nai garri main long drive par
ja rahi thi
achanak larki kehnay lagi.....suno !
kia tum aik haath se garri chala saktay ho ?
kioon nahi.....larkay ne bare fakher se garden akraaii...
larki ne aahista se kaha........ ..
"to phir doosray haath se apni naak saaf kar lo "
69 Sardar : Apne bete se bola, Bevakuf...kaisa machis leke aaya hai, ek
bhi tili nahin jalti.
Beta : Kya baat karte ho papa, sab tili test karke laya hu.
70 Doctor : App ka aur aapki biwi ka blood group ek hi hai?
Sardaar : Hoga, Jarur hoga; 25 saalse mera khoon jo pee rahi hai....
71 Nurse - "Mubarak ho.. Sardarji.. aap papa ban gaye.."
Sardarji - " Meri wife ko nahi bolna.. main usey SURPRISE doonga..!"
72 Hum Ney Un Ki Yaad Main Ro Ro Kar Matkey Bhar Diye
Wo Bewafa Aye Aur Naha Kar Chal Diye
73 Neend mujhey raat bhar aati hai kam ,
Shayad macharon ko bi mil gaya hai sanam
74 Tujh bin zindagi ka tasawar hi nehi hai ,
Tere sang ho zindagi aisa bi koi scene nehi hai
Iss dunya mein, tum he sab sey haseen ho
mein aur kahon jhot kitna, ke tum ko yaqeen ho
75 rooz khawab mein nazar aatey ho tum
kio mujhey neend mein bi daratay ho tum
76 kal raat machar ne kata mere chehre par,
dil mien junoon tha...aankhoon mien khoon tha,
uthaya ussay masal dene k liye par khayal aya,
kambakht mien apna hi khoon thA
77 hi u all
i hv one puppy 4 u
1puppy 4 ur friend
1 puppy for ur fri ke fri
u know why???
becuz....... .....
ajj hi meray dogi nay 10 puppies ko janam dia hai
78 Civic VTI jisai kehete ho wo gadi tumaree hai
Jisey nokia 6600 kehte ho wo cell tumhara hai
Jinhai tum aamon k baghat kehte ho woh baghain tumharee hain
Kaho ik di kaho ik din
Ager sab kuch ye mera hai to sab kuch dedo ik din
Gari apni mujhe tum dedo cell dedo doosrey din
merey hathon mai kaghzat rakh ker dafa ho ik din
Dafa ho ik din dafa ho ik din...
79 dabe mein daba dabe mein kharghosh,
uncle nae ankh mari anute behosh...... :)
80 teen dost tha phalla patan dosra panjabe or tisra memon.Ramzan ka
maina
tha dostoo na bolaa ka yar zakat dana ha too app log kasa datta ho.too
phala dost patan na bolla ka hum khali maidan ma za kar gol paira
banatha ha or asman ma paisa ushal tha ha zoo paisa paira ka bhair
zata ha
woo zakat kartta ha or zoo andar hotta ha woo humara hotta ha .fer
pajabe na bolla ka hum ak lakir kachtta ha or paisa ushal tha ha zoo
paisa
left hand par zatta ha woo zakat kartta ha or zoo right hand par woo
humara.fer memon dost sa pucha ka woo kasa kartta ha too usna kaha ka
astag feroollha app log assa zakat kartta ho yea lakir fakir keya ha
hum
khali maidan ma zatta ha or asman ma husal tha ha zoo paisa asman ma
gheya woo zakat ka or zoo paisa necha aaya woo humara.
81 Admi Naai Se Meri TERE NAAM Wali Cutting Kar Do.
Naai Uski Tind Kar Deta Hai
Admi Ghussay Se Ye Kya Kiya Hai ???
Naai Main Kya Karoon Main Ne Dekhi Hi End Se Hai.
82 Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has Clock Tower
when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower.
Sardarji says "Yes".
"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The man took the
thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji
figured he was taken for a ride. On the next day the Sardarji is again
walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the
clock. "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."
The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool.This
time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."
83 A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he
feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The
lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm
waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front
of me, do you?"
84 Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
85 Safed saari par jab tum laalbindi lagati ho
khuda ki kasam ambulance nazar aati ho
farq sirf itna hai ke wo ghayal ko le jati hai
or tum ghayal kar jati ho
86 janab patan: eak dookan per jata hai aor kata hai40 wala chawal hai.
dukan daar: je hai
janab patan:eak kulo dado
dukan daar: je janab
janab patan : 40 wala chawal kitna ka diya hai.
87 Aik haseen-o-jameel adaakara ke ghar aag lag gaee ..aag par qabu panay
main 10 minut lagay.....aor. ......aag bujhany walon per qabu panay
main
40 minut lagay
88 Aik aadmi apne dost ki qabar par phool daal raha hota he
Aur brabar men bhi aik aadmi apne dost ki qabar par chawal daal raha
hota he.
Pehla Aadmi doosre se kehta he " Ye tumhara dost phool sunghne kab
uthe ga?"
Doosra dost:"Jab tumhara dost chawal khane uthe ga
89 uncle aik bachay se kehte hain : beta aik acha sa jhoot bolo agar
mujhe
pasand agaya to main tumhien paanch rupay doon ga
bacha masoomiat se : yeh lo ! abhi to das rupay kahay thay .... !!!!
into future tense.
Sardar: The future tense is "u will go to jail".
Babbal Singh told his servant: Go and water the plants. Servant
it’s already raining.
Babbal Singh: So what? Take an umbrella and go.
Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This Packet
Babbal singh:- why did u come so far. Instead u could have
posted it....
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
My Father grows beans," said one student. "My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard. Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?"
23 Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
24 As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
25 Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
26 What's the definition of lawyer?
The larval form of a politician
27 Sardar comes back 2 his car & finds a note saying "Parking Fine"
28 How do you recognize a Sardar in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
29 once a Sardhar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so the man asked him why did he do so. He Replied that the
weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
30 Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar, where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours.
After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. "
When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him " Arre Puttar, ki hoya?
(What Happened, My Son?)
31 The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaate hain, )
aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik?" (These Maruti Car people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!
32 Santa Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with. A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens .
because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at t he dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died
'But I think I know where I'm going wrong,' said Santa, 'I think I'm planting them too deep.'
33 2 Dost Suicide karne gae, Pahala : "Hey Bhagwan muje dunia ki saari
nafrat de Pareshani de Duk de!" Dusra dost : "Abe tu maut maang raha
hai ki Reliance mai Job.
34 Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other
ensures U
Continue to do so.
35 Sardar to Shopkeeper: - Mujhe India Ka Flag Dikhao, Shopkeeper ne
Flag
Dikhaya, Sardar: - Isme aur Colour Dikhao.
36 .How can a Sardar Kill a Lion ? Sardarji thinks N thinks hard &
comes to a conclusion: I'll drink poison n let lion eat me. O' bolo
ta ra ra.
37 A Chinese pair accidentally had twins without getting married, Guess
what they named them... Jo Hua, So Hua.
38 Wife : Honey ...... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an
hour ...?? Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.
39 Papa : beta har parai stri ko apni Maa samjho to tumhara character
thik ho jaaega.....Beta : Lekin Papa fir Aap ke character ka kya
hoga....???
40 Sardar: O Banno Car ki speed itani ky badha di..? biwi: Oji Car ki
break
fail ho gayi hai, Exident ho jaye iske pahale ghar pahunch jaate hai.
41 Sardar : Sitting on The Top of the Mountain and Studying.... When a
Person asked what he was doing.... He replied... Oye!! Higher
Studies
Yaar...!!!
42 Mayawati came to Lalu's House with a Goat.....
Lalu : Bhaiswa ko kyun Layi ho....??
Maya : Dikhta nahi, Goatwa hai..??
Lalu : Hum Goatwa se hi Puch raha Hun..!!
52
43 Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
44 Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born
45 Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the
field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
46 Customer: If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.
47 1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions
48 Man before Marriage I like Airtel....”Aisi Azaadi Aur Kahaan”
After Marriage He's Like Hutch... " Where R U Go Our Network
Follows."
49 Santa : That Cow is a Lovely Colour ,
Farmer : Yes, it's a Jersey.
Santa : Oh, I Thought it was its Skin...!!!
gaya... aur main...SWARGWASI. ..
50 They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is
love; after marriage it is self-defense
51 It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as
women..and then he turns them into Wives !?!!!?!
52 It takes thousand workers to build a castle , Million soldiers to
protect a country
BUT Just ONE woman to make a Happy HOME! Let's Thank ......KAAMWALI
53 After Finishing MBBS, Dr. Munna Starts his practice. He Chcked 1st
patient eyes, tongue & ears by Torch
& finally said BOLE TO.......... TORCH THEEEEK HAI
54 What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a
positive side!
55 Ladka: Janeman is dil mein aaja.
Ladki: Sandal nikalu kya?
Ladka: Pagli mandir thodi hi hai, aise hi aaja!!
56 It's funny when people discuss LOVE MARRIAGE vs ARRANGED.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered
57 A person who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A person who SURRENDERS when not SURE, is WISE..
A person who surrenders even if he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND.!
58 Mayawati came to Lallu's house with a goat.
Lallu: Bhaiswa ko kyon layi ho?
Maya: Dikhta nahin goatwa hai?
Lallu: Hum goatwa se hi to pooch raha hoon.
59 Do sardar jee motor cycle per bomb lay kar jarahay thay,
Rastay main speed breaker ki waja say jhatkay lag rahay thay,
Sardar jee ka dost bola yaar aaram say gari chalao kahi bomb na
phatjain,
Sardar jee...Oo tussi fiker hi naker assi kay pass dosra bhi tu bomb
hay. :)
60 aik sharabi raatkay waqat apnay dost kay sath jaraha hota hay. rastay
main talab per nazar parhti hay tu us main us ko chand dikhta hay woh
apny dost say
kahta hay yaar ye kia hay.dost kehta hay chand hay. sharabi hairan ho
ker
yaar hum log itnay upper aagaiy
61 Santa Singh goes to a TV shop and asks, 'Aap ke paas color TV hai
kya?'
'Haan' replies shopowner. Santa Singh says, 'Ek hara vala dena!'
62 A sardar calls another sardar on the phone & says "Hi, Main Bol Raha
Hoon".
The other sardar replies "Kamaal Hain,Ithe bhi Main Bol Raha Hoon!"
63 Ek pathan Cycle chalaty aur gungunaty howe kahin ja raha tha rasty
mein ek Aurat se takra betha.
Aurat chilla kar boli "Break nahi maar sakty thy kia ??? "
Pathan herat se... "Pora cycle mar deya abhi break mar kar kia faida."
64 Burhiya:Aray dekho iss kambakhat maare ko mere sath larki ja rahi he
osse nahi dekh raha kab se mujhe taare chala ja ria he...!
65 Aadmi:Aray.. ! amma darasal ye kabaria he purana maal dekh raha he.
66 Ustaad: Bete, aap jab hanste hen to aap ke dimples parte hen aap bohat
ache lagte hen dil chahta he aap ko piyar karloon.
67 Bacha: Sir, mujhse ziyada dimple to mere ammi ke parte hen.
68
ja rahi thi
achanak larki kehnay lagi.....suno !
kia tum aik haath se garri chala saktay ho ?
kioon nahi.....larkay ne bare fakher se garden akraaii...
larki ne aahista se kaha........ ..
"to phir doosray haath se apni naak saaf kar lo "
69 Sardar : Apne bete se bola, Bevakuf...kaisa machis leke aaya hai, ek
bhi tili nahin jalti.
Beta : Kya baat karte ho papa, sab tili test karke laya hu.
70 Doctor : App ka aur aapki biwi ka blood group ek hi hai?
Sardaar : Hoga, Jarur hoga; 25 saalse mera khoon jo pee rahi hai....
71 Nurse - "Mubarak ho.. Sardarji.. aap papa ban gaye.."
Sardarji - " Meri wife ko nahi bolna.. main usey SURPRISE doonga..!"
72 Hum Ney Un Ki Yaad Main Ro Ro Kar Matkey Bhar Diye
Wo Bewafa Aye Aur Naha Kar Chal Diye
73 Neend mujhey raat bhar aati hai kam ,
Shayad macharon ko bi mil gaya hai sanam
74 Tujh bin zindagi ka tasawar hi nehi hai ,
Tere sang ho zindagi aisa bi koi scene nehi hai
Iss dunya mein, tum he sab sey haseen ho
mein aur kahon jhot kitna, ke tum ko yaqeen ho
75 rooz khawab mein nazar aatey ho tum
kio mujhey neend mein bi daratay ho tum
76 kal raat machar ne kata mere chehre par,
dil mien junoon tha...aankhoon mien khoon tha,
uthaya ussay masal dene k liye par khayal aya,
kambakht mien apna hi khoon thA
77 hi u all
i hv one puppy 4 u
1puppy 4 ur friend
1 puppy for ur fri ke fri
u know why???
becuz....... .....
ajj hi meray dogi nay 10 puppies ko janam dia hai
78 Civic VTI jisai kehete ho wo gadi tumaree hai
Jisey nokia 6600 kehte ho wo cell tumhara hai
Jinhai tum aamon k baghat kehte ho woh baghain tumharee hain
Kaho ik di kaho ik din
Ager sab kuch ye mera hai to sab kuch dedo ik din
Gari apni mujhe tum dedo cell dedo doosrey din
merey hathon mai kaghzat rakh ker dafa ho ik din
Dafa ho ik din dafa ho ik din...
79 dabe mein daba dabe mein kharghosh,
uncle nae ankh mari anute behosh...... :)
80 teen dost tha phalla patan dosra panjabe or tisra memon.Ramzan ka
maina
tha dostoo na bolaa ka yar zakat dana ha too app log kasa datta ho.too
phala dost patan na bolla ka hum khali maidan ma za kar gol paira
banatha ha or asman ma paisa ushal tha ha zoo paisa paira ka bhair
zata ha
woo zakat kartta ha or zoo andar hotta ha woo humara hotta ha .fer
pajabe na bolla ka hum ak lakir kachtta ha or paisa ushal tha ha zoo
paisa
left hand par zatta ha woo zakat kartta ha or zoo right hand par woo
humara.fer memon dost sa pucha ka woo kasa kartta ha too usna kaha ka
astag feroollha app log assa zakat kartta ho yea lakir fakir keya ha
hum
khali maidan ma zatta ha or asman ma husal tha ha zoo paisa asman ma
gheya woo zakat ka or zoo paisa necha aaya woo humara.
81 Admi Naai Se Meri TERE NAAM Wali Cutting Kar Do.
Naai Uski Tind Kar Deta Hai
Admi Ghussay Se Ye Kya Kiya Hai ???
Naai Main Kya Karoon Main Ne Dekhi Hi End Se Hai.
82 Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has Clock Tower
when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower.
Sardarji says "Yes".
"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The man took the
thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji
figured he was taken for a ride. On the next day the Sardarji is again
walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the
clock. "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."
The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool.This
time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."
83 A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he
feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The
lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm
waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front
of me, do you?"
84 Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
85 Safed saari par jab tum laalbindi lagati ho
khuda ki kasam ambulance nazar aati ho
farq sirf itna hai ke wo ghayal ko le jati hai
or tum ghayal kar jati ho
86 janab patan: eak dookan per jata hai aor kata hai40 wala chawal hai.
dukan daar: je hai
janab patan:eak kulo dado
dukan daar: je janab
janab patan : 40 wala chawal kitna ka diya hai.
87 Aik haseen-o-jameel adaakara ke ghar aag lag gaee ..aag par qabu panay
main 10 minut lagay.....aor. ......aag bujhany walon per qabu panay
main
40 minut lagay
88 Aik aadmi apne dost ki qabar par phool daal raha hota he
Aur brabar men bhi aik aadmi apne dost ki qabar par chawal daal raha
hota he.
Pehla Aadmi doosre se kehta he " Ye tumhara dost phool sunghne kab
uthe ga?"
Doosra dost:"Jab tumhara dost chawal khane uthe ga
89 uncle aik bachay se kehte hain : beta aik acha sa jhoot bolo agar
mujhe
pasand agaya to main tumhien paanch rupay doon ga
bacha masoomiat se : yeh lo ! abhi to das rupay kahay thay .... !!!!
GOLF JOKES (SPORTS JOKES )
Golf Jokes
A man was golfing one day and was struck by lightning. He died and went to heaven. Saint Peter told him when he arrived at the gates of heaven that the bolt of lightning was actually meant for his golf partner. But, because God doesn't want it known that he makes mistakes, the man would have to go back to earth as someone other that himself. Well, the man thought about it for awhile and announced to Saint Peter that he wanted to return to earth as a lesbian. Saint Peter asked the man why a macho guy like him would choose to return as a lesbian. The man answered, "It's simple really, this way I can still make love to a woman, AND I can hit from the red tees"!!
A friend of ours was playing in a tournament in Florida last fall. For eighteen holes, his caddy had been cackling and snickering after every shot that he took. Fed up with the not-so-subtle criticism, he finally threw his putter at the caddy and snapped, "You must be the worst caddy in the world." The caddy grinned, "That, sir, would be too great of a coincidence."
A golfer named Joe was paired with one of the club’s good players, and he was anxious to get some free advice. Hitting first, he swung awkwardly and topped his drive. "Do you see anything I can correct?" he asked. "I see you’re standing too close to the ball," the other remarked. "After you hit it."
Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What’s your handicap?" "Oh, I’m a scratch golfer," the other replied. "Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her. "Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"
Jack was first up in his foursome. Eyeing the ball, he swung his club and hooked his shot over the fence and down a road where the ball crashed through the windshield of an oncoming car. The startled driver lost control of his vehicle, and it spun into a parking lot and bounced off three cars. Jack raced over to the crash scene and was relieved to find that no one was hurt. Almost immediately a policeman arrived and spotted Jack standing next to the crashed car eyeing his ball. "Just what are you going to do about this?" demanded the policeman. Jack looked up. "Well, the first thing I'm going to do is change my grip."
Scott was staying in a tiny hotel on a small Caribbean island and decided to play a round of golf at the local club course. He was assigned a caddy who carried the bag over one shoulder and a gun over the other. Scott, a little unsettled by seeing the rifle, hooked his first tee shot into the rough. When he went to take his second shot, an alligator charged him, but quick as a flash, the caddy shot the animal dead in his tracks. On the second tee, Scott again drove into the rough, where another alligator darted out to attack him. Once again, the caddy shot in the nick of time. On the third hole, Scott's iron shot from the fairway rolled into some mud right next to a sleeping alligator. Scott looked expectantly at his caddy, who made no move to unshoulder the rifle. "Aren't you going to take care of the alligator?" asked Scott. The caddy shook his head, "No extra shots on a par 3."
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went." "But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forget."
Warnings for Baaaaaad Golfers
WARNING #1 -- GOLF-I-TIS
Golf-i-tis attack? Most often attacks adult males, but the female is not immune. Appears in Spring with the first melting of snow, increases in severity during Summer months, and disappears only after heavy snow.
SYMPTOMS: Patient complains of shut-in feelings, expresses desire for fresh air, sunshine and relaxation. Seems immune in Spring rains, Summer heat, Autumn gales, has yearning for tee and greens. Swings any long handled object like umbrella, cane or poker with an absent mindedness that might prove dangerous. Has no desire for work especially in afternoon. Shudders at sight of lawn mower. Goes into rage if wife asks for car. Mumbles to self about bogies, birdies, hooks and slices.
TREATMENT: Permit as much outdoor freedom as possible. Keep sport shirts always in readiness. Never invite guests for Saturday or Sunday afternoon. Rarely fatal, although it has made more widows than any other known disease. Joining Golf Club should prove helpful.
A man was golfing one day and was struck by lightning. He died and went to heaven. Saint Peter told him when he arrived at the gates of heaven that the bolt of lightning was actually meant for his golf partner. But, because God doesn't want it known that he makes mistakes, the man would have to go back to earth as someone other that himself. Well, the man thought about it for awhile and announced to Saint Peter that he wanted to return to earth as a lesbian. Saint Peter asked the man why a macho guy like him would choose to return as a lesbian. The man answered, "It's simple really, this way I can still make love to a woman, AND I can hit from the red tees"!!
A friend of ours was playing in a tournament in Florida last fall. For eighteen holes, his caddy had been cackling and snickering after every shot that he took. Fed up with the not-so-subtle criticism, he finally threw his putter at the caddy and snapped, "You must be the worst caddy in the world." The caddy grinned, "That, sir, would be too great of a coincidence."
A golfer named Joe was paired with one of the club’s good players, and he was anxious to get some free advice. Hitting first, he swung awkwardly and topped his drive. "Do you see anything I can correct?" he asked. "I see you’re standing too close to the ball," the other remarked. "After you hit it."
Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What’s your handicap?" "Oh, I’m a scratch golfer," the other replied. "Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her. "Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"
Jack was first up in his foursome. Eyeing the ball, he swung his club and hooked his shot over the fence and down a road where the ball crashed through the windshield of an oncoming car. The startled driver lost control of his vehicle, and it spun into a parking lot and bounced off three cars. Jack raced over to the crash scene and was relieved to find that no one was hurt. Almost immediately a policeman arrived and spotted Jack standing next to the crashed car eyeing his ball. "Just what are you going to do about this?" demanded the policeman. Jack looked up. "Well, the first thing I'm going to do is change my grip."
Scott was staying in a tiny hotel on a small Caribbean island and decided to play a round of golf at the local club course. He was assigned a caddy who carried the bag over one shoulder and a gun over the other. Scott, a little unsettled by seeing the rifle, hooked his first tee shot into the rough. When he went to take his second shot, an alligator charged him, but quick as a flash, the caddy shot the animal dead in his tracks. On the second tee, Scott again drove into the rough, where another alligator darted out to attack him. Once again, the caddy shot in the nick of time. On the third hole, Scott's iron shot from the fairway rolled into some mud right next to a sleeping alligator. Scott looked expectantly at his caddy, who made no move to unshoulder the rifle. "Aren't you going to take care of the alligator?" asked Scott. The caddy shook his head, "No extra shots on a par 3."
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went." "But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forget."
Warnings for Baaaaaad Golfers
WARNING #1 -- GOLF-I-TIS
Golf-i-tis attack? Most often attacks adult males, but the female is not immune. Appears in Spring with the first melting of snow, increases in severity during Summer months, and disappears only after heavy snow.
SYMPTOMS: Patient complains of shut-in feelings, expresses desire for fresh air, sunshine and relaxation. Seems immune in Spring rains, Summer heat, Autumn gales, has yearning for tee and greens. Swings any long handled object like umbrella, cane or poker with an absent mindedness that might prove dangerous. Has no desire for work especially in afternoon. Shudders at sight of lawn mower. Goes into rage if wife asks for car. Mumbles to self about bogies, birdies, hooks and slices.
TREATMENT: Permit as much outdoor freedom as possible. Keep sport shirts always in readiness. Never invite guests for Saturday or Sunday afternoon. Rarely fatal, although it has made more widows than any other known disease. Joining Golf Club should prove helpful.
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