The Fire Brigade ring Mick McCarthy in the middle of the night “Mr McCarthy sir, the Stadium of Light is on fire”, “The cups man, save the cups” cries Mick. “Uh” replies the foreman “the fire hasn’t reached the canteen yet.
Mick McCarthy went to the Sunderland Christmas party dressed as a pumpkin, come midnight he still hadn’t turned into a coach.
What’s the difference between a Sunderland fan and a computer.
You only have to punch information into a computer once.
An old man hands over £50 to the turn style operator at the Stadium of light “two please”. “Would that be strikers or defenders”.
I’m glad to report that a new red and white oxo cube will be introduced next year, it will be called laughing stock.
Two men are walking through a cemetery when they happen upon a tombstone that read – “Hear lies John Sweeney a good man and a Sunderland fan.” So, one of them asked the other “when did they start putting two men in one grave.”
Two men are out fishing in a remote area when one man says to the other “I see Sunderland have lost again” The other man was flabbergasted “how did you know”
“well its quarter to five”.
After another poor start to the season a Sunderland fan who had finally had enough nailed his season ticket to the gates of The Stadium of Light. The next day he had a change of heart and returned for it, unfortunately somebody had stolen the nail.
A man goes into a pub with a crocodile under his arm
“Do you serve Sunderland fans in here”
“Certainly sir”, answers the nervous barman.
“Good a pint for me and a Sunderland fan for the crocodile”
A source from Camelot recently revealed that a Sunderland fan had won the lottery.
The lucky man was delighted to announce that he had spent his winnings buying a
New player for his beloved Sunderland.
“If my three numbers come up again and I win another tenner” he added “I will gladly
buy them another.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Paraphrasing Sports Jokes
OBJECTIVE: To give the students an opportunity to develop the skill of paraphrasing.
MATERIALS: The list of sports jokes
PROCEDURE: Ask each student or group of students to take the following list of sports jokes and paraphrase them by writing them down in words other than already used.
A. Hundreds of fathers spend thousands of dollars on their sons’ higher education and only get a quarterback.
B. Only in baseball is there a real appreciation of a sacrifice.
C. Being a good sport is very noble, but you always have to lose to prove it.
D. The trouble with some golfers is that they stand too close to the ball—after they hit it.
E. Bending exercises are nothing but an example of stooping to conquer.
F. The best conditions for skiing call for a lot of white snow and a lot of Blue Cross.
G. Ducks are Mother Nature’s proof that swimming does not always improve the figure.
H. Basketball, more than any other sport, attracts the highest type of player.
I. You are over the hill when the most exercise you get is watching televised sports.
J. It’s not the minutes you take at the table that add to your weight—it’s the seconds.
K. A diet is one thing you must stick to through thick and thin.
L. There are only three things a serious dieter should put in his mouth—a knife, a fork, and a spoon.
MATERIALS: The list of sports jokes
PROCEDURE: Ask each student or group of students to take the following list of sports jokes and paraphrase them by writing them down in words other than already used.
A. Hundreds of fathers spend thousands of dollars on their sons’ higher education and only get a quarterback.
B. Only in baseball is there a real appreciation of a sacrifice.
C. Being a good sport is very noble, but you always have to lose to prove it.
D. The trouble with some golfers is that they stand too close to the ball—after they hit it.
E. Bending exercises are nothing but an example of stooping to conquer.
F. The best conditions for skiing call for a lot of white snow and a lot of Blue Cross.
G. Ducks are Mother Nature’s proof that swimming does not always improve the figure.
H. Basketball, more than any other sport, attracts the highest type of player.
I. You are over the hill when the most exercise you get is watching televised sports.
J. It’s not the minutes you take at the table that add to your weight—it’s the seconds.
K. A diet is one thing you must stick to through thick and thin.
L. There are only three things a serious dieter should put in his mouth—a knife, a fork, and a spoon.
NIGGERS JOKES AND SMS
Why do niggers wear wide brimmed hats?
So birds won't shit on their lips.
How do you stop black kids from jumping on your bed?
Put Velcro on the ceiling.
Why do niggers smell so bad?
So blind people can hate them too.
Why does Stevie Wonder smile all the time?
He doesn't know he's black.
Why can't Stevie Wonder read?
He's black.
How do you get a nigger down from a tree?
Cut the rope.
How do you stop a nigger from hanging around in your front yard?
Hang him in the back.
What do you do when you see a nigger with one leg?
Stop laughing and re-load.
How many niggers does it take to pave a road?
Depends on how you slice them.
What are green, pink, purple and orange?
A nigger dressed for church.
What's the difference between a deer in the road and a nigger in the road?
The deer has skid marks in front of it.
What is wrong with 4 niggers going over a cliff in a Cadillac?
It seats 5.
What do you say when you see your T.V. floating around at night?
Drop it nigger.
Why are niggers so strong?
TV’s are getting heavier.
Why are niggers so fast?
All the slow ones are in jail.
What do you call a nigger having sex?
Rape.
What happened to the nigger hat had an abortion?
Crime stoppers sent her a check for 500 dollars.
What are 3 things you can't give a nigger?
A black eye, a fat lip, and a job.
How do you stop a nigger from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
What is the difference between Batman and a black man?
Batman can go out at night without robin.
What is the definition of mass confusion?
Father's Day in Harlem.
Why shouldn't you hit a nigger riding a bike?
Because the bike is probably yours.
Why do white people go to black people's garage sales?
To get their stuff back.
What do black kids get for Christmas?
Your bike.
What is long and hard on a nigger?
First Grade.
Why do black people lean to the middle when they drive?
They think the smell is coming from the outside.
Where is the best place to hide a nigger's food stamps?
Under his work boots.
Why do niggers have red eyes after having sex?
Because of the pepper spray.
What's the difference between a nigger and a bike?
When you put chains on a bike it doesn't start singing.
How do you know Adam and Eve weren't black?
Ever try taking a rib from a nigger?
What was missing from the million man march?
An auctioneer.
How long does it take a nigger to shit?
Nine months
What happened when the nigger looked up his family tree?
A gorilla shit on his face.
Why don't niggers like blowjobs?
They don't like any jobs.
What do you call a nigger priest?
Holy shit.
Why do niggers always have sex on their mind?
Because they've got pubic hair on their head!
Why do niggers put their garbage out in clear plastic bags?
So Mexicans can window shop.
Why do Mexicans buy Cabbage Patch dolls?
Because, they come with birth certificates.
Why don't Mexicans have any Olympic teams?
Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump, or swim have already left the country.
Why don't Mexicans play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
Why do Mexicans have re-fried beans?
Have you ever heard of a Mexican doing anything right the first time?
How can you tell a Mexican airline?
It's the one with hair under the wings.
What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus?
I don't know but it sure can pick lettuce.
What are three things you can't give a nigger?
A black eye, a fat lip and an education.
What do niggers use to wash their white clothes?
BLEEATCH!
Why can't spics be firefighters?
They can't tell Jose from hose B.
What did the nigger say when he slid down the zebra?
Now you see me, now you don’t; now you see me, now you don't.
What is the difference between a pair of jeans and an Ethiopian?
A pair of jeans only has one fly on it.
What word starts with "N" and ends with "R" that you never want to call a black
person?
Neighbor.
What do you call two Ethiopians in a gold sleeping bag?
Twix.
Why is a Spic like a Skunk?
Because they're half black and half white, and smell like shit.
What's the difference between a nigger and a letter?
You can send a letter back to where it came from.
What's the difference between the holy grail and a nigger's daddy?
You may find the grail.
What is black, runny, and scratches on glass?
A nigger in a microwave.
What do you call 9 Mexicans in front of your house?
A spiked fence.
How does the navy use niggers?
They debone them and use them as wetsuits.
What does Pontiac stand for?
Poor Old Niggers think its A Cadillac.
Do you remember the nigger family on the Jet sons? No?
The future looks pretty good!
Did you hear about the nigger that thought he was bleeding to death?
Turns out he just had diarrhea.
Why don't Jews like oral sex?
It's too close to the gas chamber.
Why don't you run over a nigger on a bike?
Its probably your bike.
What do you call 50 niggers buried up to their necks in dirt?
Afro-turf.
Why do niggers drive with their windows up?
They think the smell is coming from outside.
Why do niggers eat tootsie rolls with a fork?
So they don't bite their fingers.
What do you call two nigger cops on motorcycles?
Chocolate chips.
Why don't niggers celebrate Thanksgiving?
KFC isn't open on holidays.
Why do niggers like basket ball?
It involves running, shooting and stealing.
What has four legs and a black arm?
A happy pit-bull.
How do you know if a nigger is well hung?
If you can't fit your finger between his neck and the noose.
Did you hear about the Jewish child molester?
He hid in the bushes and said, "Hey little boy, wanna buy some candy?"
Did you hear about the Jew bitch who told her husband, "Give me 10 inches and
make it hurt."?
He fucked her twice and threw her down the stairs.
How many nigger college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he gets 6 credits for it.
So birds won't shit on their lips.
How do you stop black kids from jumping on your bed?
Put Velcro on the ceiling.
Why do niggers smell so bad?
So blind people can hate them too.
Why does Stevie Wonder smile all the time?
He doesn't know he's black.
Why can't Stevie Wonder read?
He's black.
How do you get a nigger down from a tree?
Cut the rope.
How do you stop a nigger from hanging around in your front yard?
Hang him in the back.
What do you do when you see a nigger with one leg?
Stop laughing and re-load.
How many niggers does it take to pave a road?
Depends on how you slice them.
What are green, pink, purple and orange?
A nigger dressed for church.
What's the difference between a deer in the road and a nigger in the road?
The deer has skid marks in front of it.
What is wrong with 4 niggers going over a cliff in a Cadillac?
It seats 5.
What do you say when you see your T.V. floating around at night?
Drop it nigger.
Why are niggers so strong?
TV’s are getting heavier.
Why are niggers so fast?
All the slow ones are in jail.
What do you call a nigger having sex?
Rape.
What happened to the nigger hat had an abortion?
Crime stoppers sent her a check for 500 dollars.
What are 3 things you can't give a nigger?
A black eye, a fat lip, and a job.
How do you stop a nigger from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
What is the difference between Batman and a black man?
Batman can go out at night without robin.
What is the definition of mass confusion?
Father's Day in Harlem.
Why shouldn't you hit a nigger riding a bike?
Because the bike is probably yours.
Why do white people go to black people's garage sales?
To get their stuff back.
What do black kids get for Christmas?
Your bike.
What is long and hard on a nigger?
First Grade.
Why do black people lean to the middle when they drive?
They think the smell is coming from the outside.
Where is the best place to hide a nigger's food stamps?
Under his work boots.
Why do niggers have red eyes after having sex?
Because of the pepper spray.
What's the difference between a nigger and a bike?
When you put chains on a bike it doesn't start singing.
How do you know Adam and Eve weren't black?
Ever try taking a rib from a nigger?
What was missing from the million man march?
An auctioneer.
How long does it take a nigger to shit?
Nine months
What happened when the nigger looked up his family tree?
A gorilla shit on his face.
Why don't niggers like blowjobs?
They don't like any jobs.
What do you call a nigger priest?
Holy shit.
Why do niggers always have sex on their mind?
Because they've got pubic hair on their head!
Why do niggers put their garbage out in clear plastic bags?
So Mexicans can window shop.
Why do Mexicans buy Cabbage Patch dolls?
Because, they come with birth certificates.
Why don't Mexicans have any Olympic teams?
Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump, or swim have already left the country.
Why don't Mexicans play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
Why do Mexicans have re-fried beans?
Have you ever heard of a Mexican doing anything right the first time?
How can you tell a Mexican airline?
It's the one with hair under the wings.
What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus?
I don't know but it sure can pick lettuce.
What are three things you can't give a nigger?
A black eye, a fat lip and an education.
What do niggers use to wash their white clothes?
BLEEATCH!
Why can't spics be firefighters?
They can't tell Jose from hose B.
What did the nigger say when he slid down the zebra?
Now you see me, now you don’t; now you see me, now you don't.
What is the difference between a pair of jeans and an Ethiopian?
A pair of jeans only has one fly on it.
What word starts with "N" and ends with "R" that you never want to call a black
person?
Neighbor.
What do you call two Ethiopians in a gold sleeping bag?
Twix.
Why is a Spic like a Skunk?
Because they're half black and half white, and smell like shit.
What's the difference between a nigger and a letter?
You can send a letter back to where it came from.
What's the difference between the holy grail and a nigger's daddy?
You may find the grail.
What is black, runny, and scratches on glass?
A nigger in a microwave.
What do you call 9 Mexicans in front of your house?
A spiked fence.
How does the navy use niggers?
They debone them and use them as wetsuits.
What does Pontiac stand for?
Poor Old Niggers think its A Cadillac.
Do you remember the nigger family on the Jet sons? No?
The future looks pretty good!
Did you hear about the nigger that thought he was bleeding to death?
Turns out he just had diarrhea.
Why don't Jews like oral sex?
It's too close to the gas chamber.
Why don't you run over a nigger on a bike?
Its probably your bike.
What do you call 50 niggers buried up to their necks in dirt?
Afro-turf.
Why do niggers drive with their windows up?
They think the smell is coming from outside.
Why do niggers eat tootsie rolls with a fork?
So they don't bite their fingers.
What do you call two nigger cops on motorcycles?
Chocolate chips.
Why don't niggers celebrate Thanksgiving?
KFC isn't open on holidays.
Why do niggers like basket ball?
It involves running, shooting and stealing.
What has four legs and a black arm?
A happy pit-bull.
How do you know if a nigger is well hung?
If you can't fit your finger between his neck and the noose.
Did you hear about the Jewish child molester?
He hid in the bushes and said, "Hey little boy, wanna buy some candy?"
Did you hear about the Jew bitch who told her husband, "Give me 10 inches and
make it hurt."?
He fucked her twice and threw her down the stairs.
How many nigger college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he gets 6 credits for it.
MOLE JOKES( ANIMALS)
Q: Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
A: It's mole-itically incorrect
Q: What is a mole's favorite movie?
A: The Green Mole
Q: What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
A: Moletiplication
Q: What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
A: Watermolens
Q: Why was there only one Avogadro?
A: When they made him, they broke the Moled
Q: What kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
A: Moleonucleosis
Q: What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A: A bunch of Moleasses
Q: What line from Shakespeare do high school moles have to memorize?
A: "To mole or not to mole, this is the question."
Q: What did Avogadro invent for his wife to use as a night cream?
A: Oil of Molay
Q: How much does Avogadro exaggerate?
A: He makes mountains out of mole hills
Q: What element do moles love to study in chemistry?
A: Molybdenum
Q: What is Avogadro's favorite kind of music?
A: Rock 'N' Mole
Q: What did Avogadro get when he mixed ice cream, chocolate syrup, and milk together?
A: A chocolate Molted
Q: What happens when a mole bites a dog?
A: He becomes Moleicious!
Q: Avogadro loved to watch MASH. Which character did he like most?
A: Father Molecahy
Q: What was Avogadro's favorite Indian tribe?
A: The Molehawks
A: It's mole-itically incorrect
Q: What is a mole's favorite movie?
A: The Green Mole
Q: What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
A: Moletiplication
Q: What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
A: Watermolens
Q: Why was there only one Avogadro?
A: When they made him, they broke the Moled
Q: What kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
A: Moleonucleosis
Q: What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A: A bunch of Moleasses
Q: What line from Shakespeare do high school moles have to memorize?
A: "To mole or not to mole, this is the question."
Q: What did Avogadro invent for his wife to use as a night cream?
A: Oil of Molay
Q: How much does Avogadro exaggerate?
A: He makes mountains out of mole hills
Q: What element do moles love to study in chemistry?
A: Molybdenum
Q: What is Avogadro's favorite kind of music?
A: Rock 'N' Mole
Q: What did Avogadro get when he mixed ice cream, chocolate syrup, and milk together?
A: A chocolate Molted
Q: What happens when a mole bites a dog?
A: He becomes Moleicious!
Q: Avogadro loved to watch MASH. Which character did he like most?
A: Father Molecahy
Q: What was Avogadro's favorite Indian tribe?
A: The Molehawks
WORK JOKES
Sale
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curse. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again.
As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"
-------------------------------------------------------
What causes arthritis?
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
----------------------------------------------
Einstien & His Driver
Albert Einstein was getting bored with making the same speech over and over again at different meetings, so one night, after a long day, his chauffeur jokingly said, "I've heard your speech so many times, I know it word for word! Why don't you take the night off and let me deliver the talk this evening?" Einstein agreed.
When they arrived at the venue, Einstein put on the chauffeur's uniform and hat, and sat at the back of the hall while the chauffeur took his place on the podium, effortlessly delivering the speech, then inviting the audience to ask questions.
He convincingly answered the first few, but then one pompous man stood up and asked a very difficult question on his theories of relativity.
The chauffeur was flummoxed, but calmly said, "Why, that question is so very easy, I will let my chauffeur answer it!"
--
Indian Names
In this one particular Indian Tribe, the privilege of naming the children of the tribe always fell to the Chief.
One day, a small Indian boy asked him how he chooses the names for all the children.
"Well, my son," the Chief replied, "When I step out of my tepee, I name each child after the first thing I see.
"For instance, when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a pale moon rising, I say, 'You shall be called Pale-Moon-Rising.'
"And when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a hawk flying over, I say, 'You shall be called Hawk-Flying-Over.'
The Chief smiled, patted the boy on the head and said, "Does that answer your question, Big-Dog-Pooping?"
-----------------------------------
Who Am I?
One Monday morning, a mailman was walking the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approached one of the houses, he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. He was wondering why the couple was home on a workday.
Just then, Bob, the homeowner, came out with a recycling bin full of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the mailman commented.
Bob, still feeling cranky from the weekend, replied, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 AM Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing Who Am I?"
"How do you play that?" the mailman asked.
Bob answered, "Well that's when all us guys go in the bedroom and take off our clothes. Then we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through the opening in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughed and said, "Damn! I'm sorry I missed that!"
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob said. "Your name came up four or five times."
------------------------------
Who says today's kids aren't smart!
Who says today's kids aren't smart? Well, some of them are!
I wish I'd thought of this ...
At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school.
They let three goats loose in the school.
Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.
Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for 3
--------------------------
Tennis Ball
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball. Seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curse. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again.
As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"
-------------------------------------------------------
What causes arthritis?
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
----------------------------------------------
Einstien & His Driver
Albert Einstein was getting bored with making the same speech over and over again at different meetings, so one night, after a long day, his chauffeur jokingly said, "I've heard your speech so many times, I know it word for word! Why don't you take the night off and let me deliver the talk this evening?" Einstein agreed.
When they arrived at the venue, Einstein put on the chauffeur's uniform and hat, and sat at the back of the hall while the chauffeur took his place on the podium, effortlessly delivering the speech, then inviting the audience to ask questions.
He convincingly answered the first few, but then one pompous man stood up and asked a very difficult question on his theories of relativity.
The chauffeur was flummoxed, but calmly said, "Why, that question is so very easy, I will let my chauffeur answer it!"
--
Indian Names
In this one particular Indian Tribe, the privilege of naming the children of the tribe always fell to the Chief.
One day, a small Indian boy asked him how he chooses the names for all the children.
"Well, my son," the Chief replied, "When I step out of my tepee, I name each child after the first thing I see.
"For instance, when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a pale moon rising, I say, 'You shall be called Pale-Moon-Rising.'
"And when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a hawk flying over, I say, 'You shall be called Hawk-Flying-Over.'
The Chief smiled, patted the boy on the head and said, "Does that answer your question, Big-Dog-Pooping?"
-----------------------------------
Who Am I?
One Monday morning, a mailman was walking the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approached one of the houses, he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. He was wondering why the couple was home on a workday.
Just then, Bob, the homeowner, came out with a recycling bin full of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the mailman commented.
Bob, still feeling cranky from the weekend, replied, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 AM Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing Who Am I?"
"How do you play that?" the mailman asked.
Bob answered, "Well that's when all us guys go in the bedroom and take off our clothes. Then we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through the opening in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughed and said, "Damn! I'm sorry I missed that!"
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob said. "Your name came up four or five times."
------------------------------
Who says today's kids aren't smart!
Who says today's kids aren't smart? Well, some of them are!
I wish I'd thought of this ...
At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school.
They let three goats loose in the school.
Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.
Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for 3
--------------------------
Tennis Ball
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball. Seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."
MIXED JOKES
Fair Play
The man in the barber chair signalled with his finger. 'Have you got another razor?' he whispered.
'Of course, sir,' said the barber. 'But may I ask you why?'
'I'd like to defend myself,' said the customer.
Student Pilot
Cessna: 'Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel.'
Tower: 'Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!'
Cessna: 'Uh� tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is.'
Is There a War?
Two women neighbours are talking.
'Mary, what's wrong with you? Are you ill? I saw the doctor coming out of your house twice last week.'
'So what? I saw an officer coming out of your house five times last week but I'm not saying that a war has broken out.'
A Nice Catch
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub. A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle. A tipsy- ooking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing. 'Fishing,' the old man said simply.
'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub. As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, 'And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth,' the old man answered.
Chemistry Experiment
A boy comes home after school. His granny asks him: 'Well, tell me Jimmy, in what activities have you been engaged today?'
'Granny, you won't believe it! In chemistry class we've conducted experiments with explosives.'
'Oh, and what are you doing tomorrow at school?'
'At what school, granny?'
Proof
A mathematician is showing a new proof he came up with to a large group of peers. After he's gone through most of it, one of the mathematicians says, 'Wait! That's not true. I have a counter-example!' He replies, 'That's okay. I have two proofs.'
Sick Humour
Mother comes home from a business trip and asks her little son, 'Well, Johnny, how did you get along with father while I was away?'
'Everything was fine, mum,' the little boy says. 'Daddy took me to the middle of the lake by boat every morning and I swam home alone.'
'Wasn't it too much for you to swim?'
'Oh, no, mum, the only problem was that I had to get out of the bag first.'
Wait till It's Over
A drunken man, completely detached from reality, walks down the street. Accidentally hits a post. Thrown aback by such a hit he holds his head, spinning around and goes forward again, and hits the same post. Then he silently sits on the pavement: 'I'll wait till the demonstration is over.'
Lost in the Desert
A traveller became lost in the desert. Realising his only chance for survival was to find civilisation, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him. Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, 'Water�'.
A Bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, 'I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?'
With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.
'You fool,' gasped the man. 'I'm dying! I need water!'
'Well, sir,' replied the Bedouin, 'If you really need water, there is a tent about 2 kilometres south of here where you can get some.'
Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed.
Another Bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, 'May I help you sir?'
'Water�' was the feeble reply.
'Oh, sir,' replied the Bedouin, 'I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!'
Discount Air Rides
Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, 'What trip?'
A Texan in Australia
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, 'Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.' Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, 'We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.' The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, 'And what are those?' The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, 'Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?'
At the Doctor's
Doctor: 'Deep breathing, you know, kills microbes.'
Patient: 'And how can I make them breathe deeply?'
- - - -
'You followed my prescription, haven't you?'
'Well, doctor, I didn't, for I would have broken my neck.'
'Broken your neck?'
'Yes, for I dropped your prescription out of a third floor window.'
In Court
Judge: 'Have you ever been up before me?'
Accused: 'I don't know. What time do you get up?'
- - - -
Lawyer: 'Now that we have won, will you tell me confidentially if you stole the money?'
Client: 'Well, after hearing you talk in court yesterday, I am beginning to think I didn't.'
Carelessness
The housemaid, tidying the stairs the morning after a reception, found lying there one of the solid silver teaspoons. "My goodness gracious!" she exclaimed, as she retrieved the piece of silver. "Someone of the company had a hole in his pocket."
Mathematician
Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far."
So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times.)
Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!!"
One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician."
Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"
The reply: "For three reasons. One: he took a long time to answer, two: he was absolutely correct, and three: his answer was absolutely useless."
Dogs
"Madam," said the kennel owner to the nouveau riche sportswoman, "I offer you this thoroughbred bloodhound."
"How do I know it's a bloodhound?" she asked doubtfully.
"Hector," the owner ordered the dog, "bleed for the lady."
- - - -
A tramp was sitting with his back to a hedge by the path in a park, munching at some scraps wrapped in a newspaper. A lady, walking her pet Pomeranian, strolled past. The little dog ran to the tramp, and tried to muzzle the food. The tramp smiled expansively at the lady.
"Shall I throw the leetle dog a bit, mum?" he asked.
The lady was gratified by this appearance of kindly interest in her pet, and murmured an assent. The tramp caught the dog by the nape of the neck and tossed it over the hedge, remarking:
"And if he comes back, mum, I might throw him a bit more."
A Good Detective
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are camping together. When they go to sleep, Sherlock says, 'Tell me what you can see when you're looking up?'
'Thousands of stars,' says Watson.
'And what's your conclusion from all this?'
Dr Watson starts to think. 'If I consider it from astrological aspects,' he says slowly, 'I must assume that there are millions and millions of stars and galaxies in the universe. From psychological points of view I conclude that we're so infinitely small in comparison with God's overall creation. And if meteorology is concerned, I would say that we can expect fine weather tomorrow. What's your opinion?'
'You're a fool, Watson,' Holmes says. 'Our tent has been stolen.'
A Job Wanted
A dog walks into a job centre, goes up to the woman at the desk and says, 'Good afternoon, miss. I'm looking for work.'
The woman looks up, amazed, and says, 'Good heavens, a talking dog! Er... well, let's try the circus in town. I'll give them a ring.'
The dog says, 'The circus? What on earth would the circus do with a computer programmer?'
Snack
As a Scotsman's walking in the jungle, he meets a gorilla. The gorilla is eating a huge snake sandwich. 'Excuse me,' says the Scotsman, 'but where did you get that snake sandwich?' The gorilla looks up and points behind his back. 'At the snake bar round the corner.'
A Correct Answer
A student asks his professor if it's true that tigers and other wild animals won't attack you in the jungle at night if you're carrying a burning torch. The proffessor answers, 'Well, young man, it all depends on how fast you're carrying it.'
Football Fan
A man walks into a bar with a dog on a lead. The dog is wearing an England shirt. The barman nods and asks what he wants. 'A pint, please,' the man replies. He sets the dog down and starts watching the game on TV. When the local team score a goal, the dog goes jerking and dancing round the bar and doing back flips.
'Wow,' the barman says, clearly impressed. 'What does he do when we win?'
'I don't know, I've only had him for five years,' the man replies.
Danger on the Road
Little Tommy is about to leave for school. 'Be very careful on the road,' says his father. 'Don't you forget to look round twice when you cross.' 'Oh, daddy, you know I am always very careful,' he replies. 'But Tommy, I only mention this because mummy has gone to work by car today,' father says.
At the Restaurant
'Waiter, what's this?'
'It's bean soup, sir.'
'I don't care what it's been - what is it now?'
Clever Policemen
Some policemen who are fed up with everybody thinking they're but stupid fools decide to show their wit and skills to the world. With hard work, they learn how to walk on water. When they go down to the river to give a demonstration and start walking across the water, a guy watching from a bridge says to his mate, 'Look, those stupid folks don't even know how to swim.'
Title
Teacher: 'What's your name?'
Schoolboy: 'Henry Smith.'
Teacher: 'Always say 'Sir' when you speak to a teacher.'
Schoolboy (apologetically): 'Sir Henry Smith.'
Needless
A librarian said to a man asking for a thriller: 'I can recommend you this book. It is a hair-raising story.'
'No use to me,' said the reader, 'I'm bald-headed.'
The man in the barber chair signalled with his finger. 'Have you got another razor?' he whispered.
'Of course, sir,' said the barber. 'But may I ask you why?'
'I'd like to defend myself,' said the customer.
Student Pilot
Cessna: 'Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel.'
Tower: 'Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!'
Cessna: 'Uh� tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is.'
Is There a War?
Two women neighbours are talking.
'Mary, what's wrong with you? Are you ill? I saw the doctor coming out of your house twice last week.'
'So what? I saw an officer coming out of your house five times last week but I'm not saying that a war has broken out.'
A Nice Catch
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub. A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle. A tipsy- ooking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing. 'Fishing,' the old man said simply.
'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub. As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, 'And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth,' the old man answered.
Chemistry Experiment
A boy comes home after school. His granny asks him: 'Well, tell me Jimmy, in what activities have you been engaged today?'
'Granny, you won't believe it! In chemistry class we've conducted experiments with explosives.'
'Oh, and what are you doing tomorrow at school?'
'At what school, granny?'
Proof
A mathematician is showing a new proof he came up with to a large group of peers. After he's gone through most of it, one of the mathematicians says, 'Wait! That's not true. I have a counter-example!' He replies, 'That's okay. I have two proofs.'
Sick Humour
Mother comes home from a business trip and asks her little son, 'Well, Johnny, how did you get along with father while I was away?'
'Everything was fine, mum,' the little boy says. 'Daddy took me to the middle of the lake by boat every morning and I swam home alone.'
'Wasn't it too much for you to swim?'
'Oh, no, mum, the only problem was that I had to get out of the bag first.'
Wait till It's Over
A drunken man, completely detached from reality, walks down the street. Accidentally hits a post. Thrown aback by such a hit he holds his head, spinning around and goes forward again, and hits the same post. Then he silently sits on the pavement: 'I'll wait till the demonstration is over.'
Lost in the Desert
A traveller became lost in the desert. Realising his only chance for survival was to find civilisation, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him. Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, 'Water�'.
A Bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, 'I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?'
With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.
'You fool,' gasped the man. 'I'm dying! I need water!'
'Well, sir,' replied the Bedouin, 'If you really need water, there is a tent about 2 kilometres south of here where you can get some.'
Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed.
Another Bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, 'May I help you sir?'
'Water�' was the feeble reply.
'Oh, sir,' replied the Bedouin, 'I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!'
Discount Air Rides
Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, 'What trip?'
A Texan in Australia
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, 'Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.' Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, 'We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.' The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, 'And what are those?' The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, 'Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?'
At the Doctor's
Doctor: 'Deep breathing, you know, kills microbes.'
Patient: 'And how can I make them breathe deeply?'
- - - -
'You followed my prescription, haven't you?'
'Well, doctor, I didn't, for I would have broken my neck.'
'Broken your neck?'
'Yes, for I dropped your prescription out of a third floor window.'
In Court
Judge: 'Have you ever been up before me?'
Accused: 'I don't know. What time do you get up?'
- - - -
Lawyer: 'Now that we have won, will you tell me confidentially if you stole the money?'
Client: 'Well, after hearing you talk in court yesterday, I am beginning to think I didn't.'
Carelessness
The housemaid, tidying the stairs the morning after a reception, found lying there one of the solid silver teaspoons. "My goodness gracious!" she exclaimed, as she retrieved the piece of silver. "Someone of the company had a hole in his pocket."
Mathematician
Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far."
So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times.)
Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!!"
One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician."
Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"
The reply: "For three reasons. One: he took a long time to answer, two: he was absolutely correct, and three: his answer was absolutely useless."
Dogs
"Madam," said the kennel owner to the nouveau riche sportswoman, "I offer you this thoroughbred bloodhound."
"How do I know it's a bloodhound?" she asked doubtfully.
"Hector," the owner ordered the dog, "bleed for the lady."
- - - -
A tramp was sitting with his back to a hedge by the path in a park, munching at some scraps wrapped in a newspaper. A lady, walking her pet Pomeranian, strolled past. The little dog ran to the tramp, and tried to muzzle the food. The tramp smiled expansively at the lady.
"Shall I throw the leetle dog a bit, mum?" he asked.
The lady was gratified by this appearance of kindly interest in her pet, and murmured an assent. The tramp caught the dog by the nape of the neck and tossed it over the hedge, remarking:
"And if he comes back, mum, I might throw him a bit more."
A Good Detective
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are camping together. When they go to sleep, Sherlock says, 'Tell me what you can see when you're looking up?'
'Thousands of stars,' says Watson.
'And what's your conclusion from all this?'
Dr Watson starts to think. 'If I consider it from astrological aspects,' he says slowly, 'I must assume that there are millions and millions of stars and galaxies in the universe. From psychological points of view I conclude that we're so infinitely small in comparison with God's overall creation. And if meteorology is concerned, I would say that we can expect fine weather tomorrow. What's your opinion?'
'You're a fool, Watson,' Holmes says. 'Our tent has been stolen.'
A Job Wanted
A dog walks into a job centre, goes up to the woman at the desk and says, 'Good afternoon, miss. I'm looking for work.'
The woman looks up, amazed, and says, 'Good heavens, a talking dog! Er... well, let's try the circus in town. I'll give them a ring.'
The dog says, 'The circus? What on earth would the circus do with a computer programmer?'
Snack
As a Scotsman's walking in the jungle, he meets a gorilla. The gorilla is eating a huge snake sandwich. 'Excuse me,' says the Scotsman, 'but where did you get that snake sandwich?' The gorilla looks up and points behind his back. 'At the snake bar round the corner.'
A Correct Answer
A student asks his professor if it's true that tigers and other wild animals won't attack you in the jungle at night if you're carrying a burning torch. The proffessor answers, 'Well, young man, it all depends on how fast you're carrying it.'
Football Fan
A man walks into a bar with a dog on a lead. The dog is wearing an England shirt. The barman nods and asks what he wants. 'A pint, please,' the man replies. He sets the dog down and starts watching the game on TV. When the local team score a goal, the dog goes jerking and dancing round the bar and doing back flips.
'Wow,' the barman says, clearly impressed. 'What does he do when we win?'
'I don't know, I've only had him for five years,' the man replies.
Danger on the Road
Little Tommy is about to leave for school. 'Be very careful on the road,' says his father. 'Don't you forget to look round twice when you cross.' 'Oh, daddy, you know I am always very careful,' he replies. 'But Tommy, I only mention this because mummy has gone to work by car today,' father says.
At the Restaurant
'Waiter, what's this?'
'It's bean soup, sir.'
'I don't care what it's been - what is it now?'
Clever Policemen
Some policemen who are fed up with everybody thinking they're but stupid fools decide to show their wit and skills to the world. With hard work, they learn how to walk on water. When they go down to the river to give a demonstration and start walking across the water, a guy watching from a bridge says to his mate, 'Look, those stupid folks don't even know how to swim.'
Title
Teacher: 'What's your name?'
Schoolboy: 'Henry Smith.'
Teacher: 'Always say 'Sir' when you speak to a teacher.'
Schoolboy (apologetically): 'Sir Henry Smith.'
Needless
A librarian said to a man asking for a thriller: 'I can recommend you this book. It is a hair-raising story.'
'No use to me,' said the reader, 'I'm bald-headed.'
ANIMAL JOKES
1) A man is walking with a penguin. A policeman asks,: "where are you taking that penguin?" The man replies, "To the zoo." Next day, the policeman sees the man and the penguin again. "Didn't you say you were taking that penguin to the zoo?" The man replies, "That was yesterday. Today, it wants to go to the cinema."
2) Neighbor A: "Could you please get rid of your dog? My daughter had to stop singing because your dog howled (barked). Neighbor B: "I'm sorry, but your daughter started first!"
3) How does an elephant go up a tree? It sits on a plant and waits for it to grow. How does an elephant come down? It sits on a leaf and waits for fall.
4. A fly goes in the desert and he is tired. Suddenly a bull is coming. The fly says to the bull, "Take me on your back". The bull agrees. They go along. Suddenly the fly says, "Look at the dust we are making".
5. A tobacco-company executive traveled the country looking for long-time smokers in good health. He found one man who admitted to smoking for 70 years. "If you do a commercial for us," the executive explained, "we'll pay you $10 000".
It's a deal, said the smoker. "When do I start?"
"How about 10 a.m. tomorrow?"
"Can't do it then, son - I never quit coughing till noon!"
2) Neighbor A: "Could you please get rid of your dog? My daughter had to stop singing because your dog howled (barked). Neighbor B: "I'm sorry, but your daughter started first!"
3) How does an elephant go up a tree? It sits on a plant and waits for it to grow. How does an elephant come down? It sits on a leaf and waits for fall.
4. A fly goes in the desert and he is tired. Suddenly a bull is coming. The fly says to the bull, "Take me on your back". The bull agrees. They go along. Suddenly the fly says, "Look at the dust we are making".
5. A tobacco-company executive traveled the country looking for long-time smokers in good health. He found one man who admitted to smoking for 70 years. "If you do a commercial for us," the executive explained, "we'll pay you $10 000".
It's a deal, said the smoker. "When do I start?"
"How about 10 a.m. tomorrow?"
"Can't do it then, son - I never quit coughing till noon!"
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